Why don't I just leave?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New Orleans, La
Posts: 3
Why don't I just leave?
Hi, first time poster here. I've been spending a lot of time reading through a lot of the posts and am finding a lot of I've been there and done that" moments for me. They are very helpful and eye opening.
A lot of you mention how alcoholism is a progressive disease. Can you provide more information on that? I am in a 27 year marriage, one 21 year old daughter and my husband is an alcoholic. In the past year or two, I have seen a drastic decline in his behavior (is that the right word?) He drinks 6 to 10 beers daily, and has for most of our marriage, starting out about 3 daily and slowly increasing to where he is now. I can see a decline in his perception and rational thinking and reading through this site has been a very eye opening experience.
I have decided that I want to walk away from this life, but my biggest obstacle is that I have lived this lie for so long that I don't know how to reach out to people for help, or to even let them in on the ugly secret that is my life.
I have only just talked with one friend about my situation and am not sure even then that I used the words "my husband is an alcoholic".
He is high functioning (or so I think) has held down the same job for 12 years, but most people don't know of what is going on behind closed doors because he drinks at home, always refusing social engagements, I just go alone and tell people he is tired, he is a homebody. I'm probably fooling myself in thinking no one notices.
Thanks for your help, I am glad to have found a safe place to finally be able to share my problems.
A lot of you mention how alcoholism is a progressive disease. Can you provide more information on that? I am in a 27 year marriage, one 21 year old daughter and my husband is an alcoholic. In the past year or two, I have seen a drastic decline in his behavior (is that the right word?) He drinks 6 to 10 beers daily, and has for most of our marriage, starting out about 3 daily and slowly increasing to where he is now. I can see a decline in his perception and rational thinking and reading through this site has been a very eye opening experience.
I have decided that I want to walk away from this life, but my biggest obstacle is that I have lived this lie for so long that I don't know how to reach out to people for help, or to even let them in on the ugly secret that is my life.
I have only just talked with one friend about my situation and am not sure even then that I used the words "my husband is an alcoholic".
He is high functioning (or so I think) has held down the same job for 12 years, but most people don't know of what is going on behind closed doors because he drinks at home, always refusing social engagements, I just go alone and tell people he is tired, he is a homebody. I'm probably fooling myself in thinking no one notices.
Thanks for your help, I am glad to have found a safe place to finally be able to share my problems.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
Welcome,
Keep coming back, reading, posting, interacting. I have found this site to be a Godsend. I would maybe check into local Al-Anon meetings as well, as they are a great support system too. As far as the progression of alcoholism, it basically follows the same patterns of decline, just some people go through it quickly while others take a lifetime. My own AH has been in his current state for about 7 years but I can see him getting worse especially in terms of memory and congnative abilies. We're both only 35 btw.
Anyways, again, welcome. I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you've found us.
Keep coming back, reading, posting, interacting. I have found this site to be a Godsend. I would maybe check into local Al-Anon meetings as well, as they are a great support system too. As far as the progression of alcoholism, it basically follows the same patterns of decline, just some people go through it quickly while others take a lifetime. My own AH has been in his current state for about 7 years but I can see him getting worse especially in terms of memory and congnative abilies. We're both only 35 btw.
Anyways, again, welcome. I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you've found us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, tessiecrazy. Talking about your situation is a great first step. Also consider finding some Al-Anon meetings in your area. That way - you'll have people in real life to talk with too. And if you are anything like me, not having to explain my life - just knowing that others know already - was a huge relief.
Keep posting and keep talking about it. And try to take everything one day at a time.
Peace,
~T
Keep posting and keep talking about it. And try to take everything one day at a time.
Peace,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New Orleans, La
Posts: 3
Thank you for the replies. I plan on talking with my parents this week, but was going to ask them not to talk with my siblings. I'm going to rethink that. I'm not sure what I think I am protecting by not bringing it out in the open. The idea or image of a wonderful life, I suppose. But the idea of everyone just knowing about what is going on feels quite liberating, instead of pretending all is well.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Sorry for your situation.
Its very difficult to let people in. I get that. I struggled ...still do.
Its something ive shared but don't want to talk about really.
I think the embartassment comes from the fact that they are drunk tards continuing to drink.
I know I would open up more to friends and family if there wasnt so much to talk about like the staggering conversations, trouble with the law, and other inappropriate and odd actions of the A.
Basically behaving like children.
Anyhow its good to start here at sr and alanon and to kind of work towards more.
Its a process. It takes steps not one big leap but it feels good when you start too.
Its a heavy shoulder to carry the weight of an alcoholics addiction and then to protect the alcoholic from reality but to share with others the weight of it all.....thats freedom.
I wish you the best of luck. One step at a time
Its very difficult to let people in. I get that. I struggled ...still do.
Its something ive shared but don't want to talk about really.
I think the embartassment comes from the fact that they are drunk tards continuing to drink.
I know I would open up more to friends and family if there wasnt so much to talk about like the staggering conversations, trouble with the law, and other inappropriate and odd actions of the A.
Basically behaving like children.
Anyhow its good to start here at sr and alanon and to kind of work towards more.
Its a process. It takes steps not one big leap but it feels good when you start too.
Its a heavy shoulder to carry the weight of an alcoholics addiction and then to protect the alcoholic from reality but to share with others the weight of it all.....thats freedom.
I wish you the best of luck. One step at a time
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Try and remind yourself that you are not responsible for anyone else's actions. Your AH's behavior is his own. You be proud of who you are and that you are strong enough to go to social events etc even without anyone by your side. I have had to do that but found myself saying no to invitations because I have not been brave enough to attend a lot by myself. I go to school functions and watch my children's sports though. I think you are doing amazing seeking help and getting the support of your parents. Keep up the great work!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Just wanted to second the advice to look into Alanon. It's a great starting place for getting help. Here's a link to help you find meetings http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and here's a link within SR that will tell you what you might expect at an Alanon meeting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html
Again, as others have said (and as you are seeing with your own eyes), alcoholism is a progressive disease. It won't get better, only worse. Please DO reach out and get some help for yourself now; there's no point in waiting.
Wishing you some peace and clarity as you move forward.
Again, as others have said (and as you are seeing with your own eyes), alcoholism is a progressive disease. It won't get better, only worse. Please DO reach out and get some help for yourself now; there's no point in waiting.
Wishing you some peace and clarity as you move forward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
This is part of what this disease does to loved ones. We don't say anything to others, and over time we become very isolated. Often, others can't understand when we do share. They will give well intentioned, but ill informed, advice. That can make us feel worse. Like fourmaggie said, these secrets keep us sick.
Find an AlAnon group near you, and attend a few meetings. You will find people who "get it". Our stories all vary a little, but they are all the same. No one will tell you what to do, but you will hear how others learned to find health and happiness again. It's a very safe place to vent and to listen.
Find an AlAnon group near you, and attend a few meetings. You will find people who "get it". Our stories all vary a little, but they are all the same. No one will tell you what to do, but you will hear how others learned to find health and happiness again. It's a very safe place to vent and to listen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
In the past year or two, I have seen a drastic decline in his behavior (is that the right word?) He drinks 6 to 10 beers daily, and has for most of our marriage, starting out about 3 daily and slowly increasing to where he is now. I can see a decline in his perception and rational thinking and reading through this site has been a very eye opening experience.
Because of the nature of addiction, you can't function at a high level forever -- financially, emotionally, physically -- and eventually the wear and tear will be visible to family, friends, and acquaintances.
Some people talk about the "frog in boiling water" effect -- you don't notice the water getting hotter until you're cooked!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New Orleans, La
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone. I have called to get meeting times and locations but have not yet gone to one. I also left a message today for a counselor my friend recommended to see about scheduling an appointment. I think I'll do better one on one at first.
I have a good job and am capable of supporting myself, my daughter is almost done at college, there is nothing keeping me here, I just have not been able to make the final step out the door. I even went about 18 months ago to look at apartments. Hope is a great part of it. I have hoped for the last 27 years that things would get better. Denial also, I keep telling myself it isn't that bad, but it is. I think the drinking and the bad behavior and the disappointment that comes with every holiday or special occasion has pushed me away to the point that I no longer care (or not as much) what effect my leaving will have on him. I care more about what effect staying is having on me.
Somewhere on this site, I read that you know it is time to go when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving and that hit home with me.
I have spent a lot of time in the last 3 years doing for me. I had poured so much effort in being a mom, she is in school 5 hours away, so since she graduated high school, I have made way more time for myself, and that has helped tremendously get me to this point. My daughter will leave for her senior year in 2 weeks. I am doing a lot of soul searching and think that once she leaves, I may just be ready to make some positive steps towards walking away.
I have a good job and am capable of supporting myself, my daughter is almost done at college, there is nothing keeping me here, I just have not been able to make the final step out the door. I even went about 18 months ago to look at apartments. Hope is a great part of it. I have hoped for the last 27 years that things would get better. Denial also, I keep telling myself it isn't that bad, but it is. I think the drinking and the bad behavior and the disappointment that comes with every holiday or special occasion has pushed me away to the point that I no longer care (or not as much) what effect my leaving will have on him. I care more about what effect staying is having on me.
Somewhere on this site, I read that you know it is time to go when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving and that hit home with me.
I have spent a lot of time in the last 3 years doing for me. I had poured so much effort in being a mom, she is in school 5 hours away, so since she graduated high school, I have made way more time for myself, and that has helped tremendously get me to this point. My daughter will leave for her senior year in 2 weeks. I am doing a lot of soul searching and think that once she leaves, I may just be ready to make some positive steps towards walking away.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
SECRETS keep us sick...
we hold these secrets that are NOT OURS to keep..they are someone elses..
not my responsiblity...just my opinon
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