Mirage74

This is difficult for me to admit, but I realize how dishonest I have been about my drinking. I just went to an AA meeting and they were talking about being honest. I felt so guilty I left early, when I should have picked up a white chip. I even feel too ashamed to tell my sponsor. I guess I'm one of those people that thinks when you say you are going to do something, you do it. Well when it comes to drinking I have failed miserably. I feel like I owe an apology. I guess the best I can do is not drink tonight and go get that white chip tomorrow.

Delilah1

You are not alone with that, I am starting again too. Good for you for coming here and being honest.

hypochondriac

There is no shame in admitting that you are struggling. I know we all feel that way but the guilt comes from being dishonest rather than admitting we need help. Glad you came here to tell us, it must be a weight off x

Hevyn

I agree - you've nothing to be ashamed of Mirage. You are merely human, and trying very hard to get well. Hope you feel somewhat relieved by sharing your feelings.

VioletMae

Thank you for sharing so honestly, I feel in exactly the same situation. I have been too ashamed to tell my sponser when I have lapsed and the lie just eats at me. Your honesty and courage today has touched me....and shown me I am not alone. Thank you

Bubovski

My dealing with AA suggest that any slip is likely to treated gently by a sponsor in most cases.
While not to be recommended, slips can be seen as motivators rather than causing too much guilt.

12skiptomylue

Someone told me in a meeting once, "we don't shoot our wounded". We are alcoholics. Alcoholics drink! Honesty is hard, humbling and vulnerable. It kills our ego. But it also helps us to be able to concede to our innermost self that we are truly powerless. The book says that this is the first step.

I have had to be honest about a couple things lately that have been completely terrifying for me. I really was unsure what the outcome would be after these things were known. But I knew if I did not do that, I could not move forward. I would be giving in to my alcoholism, instead of living in the solution.

I'm sure that you will be met with love and grace from those around you. I know you will be met with love and grace from your HP. I hope that you will find love and grace for yourself. And the courage to try again.

hope22

Mirage people will understand, quitting is not easy, if it were AA wouldn't exist. Can you talk to your sponsor about it?

Dee74

Hi Mirage

you'll feel better without the burden of secrets, lies and guilt
do it

D

soberclover

It's really true....talk about a group of people who totally get it. All of it...the good, the not so good, and everything in between! It was good for you to practice here with us on SR!

439trish

I read around here somewhere that "if you never quit quitting, you will eventually reach your goal"

YOU CAN DO THIS, You came back here and told us all about it, so you have not stopped quitting! that is the most important thing.

Highest regards.

Mirage74

Thanks for all the responses. It does feel better to get that off my chest. I just need to figure out a different course of action. I feel stuck, like I'm in a rut, and the natural thing to do seems to be to drink. It's just so easy to fall into that trap. Well, I'm sober now and plan to be for the rest of the night, that's the best I can do right now. Thx again

LadyinBC

Guilt and shame is what keeps us from asking for forgiveness or just in general forgiving ourselves.

And it is our addictive voice trying to keep us in the negative so that we have a reason to drink again. At least for me anyways.

For me guilt + shame = pity pot. Not a good place for me to be.

Mirage74

You are right, LadyinBC

Mirage74

Well, I picked up the white chip. After me, another girl got the courage to pick her's up too. Everyone clapped, a couple of guys I regularly see there were smiling big because they suspected I had been continuing to drink while still going to meetings, and not telling. Esp. after the meeting about honesty yesterday. It felt good to come clean. Now I just have to stay sober. So far, so good tonight...

Kat60

Way to go Mirage!!
Keep up the good work!!!

Soberpotamus

Well done

Nighthawk8820

It takes many of us a few tries to break the cycle of addiction and begin to heal. You can too, but you have to stop the negative self talk. You need to be building confidence to tackle this beast, not berating yourself to oblivion.

Mizzuno

I'm glad that you feel better Mirage. No one is exempt from relapsing, even the ones with many many years. I'm proud of you. Keep walking forward and know that we are all rooting for you. Great work Mirage!
( you have even inspired others to lay down the weight )

Mirage74

I hope so, Mizzuno. If any of you out there are still drinking, and are hiding it, but are ready to quit, let it out. People who share this problem of addiction can be really understanding and supportive, be it here, AA, or whatever support you get. Y'all have proven that to me once again. Thanks