Lorelai

I'd like some opinions on this codie question.

Is it normal for me to want a man to tell me that I am pretty, funny, smart ? I know that I can be all of these things without someone telling me but I still feel like it would be great to hear it from someone else. Is it normal for me to want a man to treat me special and give me compliments, etc.?

I'm really confused on this one. I've always believed that this is normal. Now, I'm starting to wonder if it isn't just a codie way of thinking.

I've never felt like I need a man to make me complete but I find myself wishing that there was someone who would treat me like a woman. Is that something I need to work on?

Thanks for any opinions -
L

Jane Doe

I think it's normal to want those things and I think it's normal when you are in a healthy, loving relationship to give and get those things. I think if you needed those things from a man to make you feel complete or fulfilled then it would be unhealthy.

mary559

Lorelai,
You have every right to feel that you want to be treated with respect. We all do. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
Mary

best

Lorelai

You are pretty, funny, and smart and I am a guy telling you that *LOL*

Thing is most guys don't tell women with words what is in our hearts.
We justify our actions inside with thoughts we don't share. Yes that is our way and women would rather we tell them...hold a conversation and share.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was a good book that showed me understanding of the differences between men and women.

Magichappens

(((Lorelai)))
I had to learn what Best was talking about. My H is a wonderful man, and although we have our problems, we are both committed to our marriage. The funny thing is that he wants me to appreciate the things he does, like work hard, improve the house, keep up the cars. To him that is an expression of love. I had to start learning his language in order to feel the love he was trying to convey. He isn't one to talk, he is one who acts. Sometimes I want to hear those things too, but I don't know if he is able to do it. I try to be grateful for the man he is, and not try to make him into someone else. That is not easy.
I used to be a big flirt because of that very reason. I hurt his feelings, but I thought that I needed those things that bad. Today, I have decided that I put too much importance on looks. Although attraction is important, it's not what builds lifelong happy relationships. Again, this is not an easy idea to hold to. I was raised that to have imperfections in looks meant being criticized and outcast. Those messages came from people who were screwed up themselves.
Intimacy, closeness, comfort. I do need those things. I just can't get them by concentrating on the outside. Learning to give love to myself and others has been key to finding these things. I am still in the process, and I fall back often. I get those feelings, and look to him to fix my hurt. I realize after a little while that he can't. Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

((best))) you're a sweetie.

I guess what I'm saying is that I've been with husband for so long and he's been drinking for so long that I feel like a dried out sponge.

He doesn't pay any attention to me, he doesn't want to have sex with me, he never pays me any compliments, he just pretty much ignores me and sits in the garage drinking.

When I go out and some man looks at me or acts like he thinks I'm interesting or pretty, I just suck it up. I want somebody to pay some attention I guess. I want to believe that, even though I'm 43, somebody could still think I'm desirable.

I am smart enough to know that this is a dangerous way to feel when you're married. I tried to talk to my H about it in hopes that he would understand and make some effort but he just uses it against me.

Good lord - I would just like somebody to say "You look nice tonight." or "I'd like to dance with you." or "Run off with me to the islands - you are the woman of my dreams." Too much to ask???

Thanks for your replies - it helps as always.
L

Lorelai

Magic -
I just read your post. I know what you mean about him mowing the yard and changing lightbulbs as a "present" to me. I don't expect him to come home with a self composed poem and a dozen roses. I'm just talking about the feeling that you get - you know? The feeling that you get that someone cares about you and thinks you're great. I used to get that feeling from him so I know that it exists. I just know that I don't get that feeling anymore.
Thanks - L

Magichappens

Yep, I know. Where does that go? Hey, we are gonna be ok. I know you are a beautiful person without ever seeing you. I will be gone til Tuesday, so have a happy Memorial day. Hugs, Magic

freya

Lorelai:

I think maybe we need to distinguish between "normal" and "healthy." "Normal" is what is avergage, typical, accepted and expected in our society. "Healthy" is what is good for our minds, bodies, hearts, and souls. There are many, many, many things that are normal in our society that are not healthy...and a woman needing a man (or another woman as the case might be) to adore her in order to feel good about herself and know that she is wonderful is just one of them. So, in my opinion, while it is unfortunately very normal for you (or any woman in our society) to need this, it is not healthy.

Wanting it, liking it, appreciating it when it happens, and expecting that it should happen in some way on a regular basis within your primary relationship is, however, both normal and healthy.....and very much deserved. I don't know you but I do know that you are precious and you deserve to have that recognized and to be cherished by the people you are closest to. I don't know anything about your H or if/where he is in recovery so I don't know how much of a chance there is that you might be able to communicate with him what you need or work with him on helping yourself get it....and, obviously, unless you are not planning on being with him forever, doing so would be the most satisfying way to get what you want long-term.

However, you are married, not dead, as my best firiend likes to say -- so in the meantime there is nothing wrong with treating yourself nice (bubble baths, spa days, massages, girl nights out, etc...), dressing nice and accepting and appreciating compliments and attention when you get it.

.....all of the above, of course, work best when you don't bother feeling guilty about any of it either.....

You do deserve it -- freya

margo

Yes, it's normal.

Lorelai

"...don't bother feeling guilty about it."
Thanks freya. Guilty is my middle name. And you're right, of course.

Margo - Love, love, love your signature line. Makes me laugh everytime I think about it.

Thanks everyone. You're the best.
L

McKrazy

Lorelei, I'm female, straight, but, heck, run off to the islands with me, that sounds like fun! It's been awhile since I've done anything like that! mmmmm vacation!

Kanakili

GIRL CELEBRATE YOUR FEMININITY! Don't feel guilty about occassionally wanting it to be acknowledged!!! I think it's perfectly normal as long as you aren't dependent on what others think of you. What woman doesn't like to hear a compliment or two?

God bless!
Kana

P.S.-What's age got to do with it anyway? It's what's on the inside that really matters!