lizwig

I received a text from my son. It started well...said he loves and misses me and thinks about me every day. He said he'd like to see me soon (he lives 4 states away)...but then....He closed with " in order for you to see me it would mean you having to look past my addiction and try to see your son underneath". Ugh...we aren't talking about overlooking an ingrown toenail. We are talking about 5 years of chaos. I've lost track of the calls from jail and feel like I have come so far in these past months. I've seen him high before. He guilted me into flying in, spent literally 10 minutes with me (after driving 4 hours from the airport) to tell me he had plans with friends and could he see me the day after next...

So...I sat on the text for a few hours. Didn't knee jerk as I would have in the past. Talked it over with my husband then replied that we love him but understand he is choosing drugs over everything else at the moment, that we have admitted we are powerless and don't want a front row seat anymore. I told him we believed in him and if he ever wants help in getting clean to please let us know. We will support his recovery but not his addiction. I said a prayer. Handed it back over...but now today I'm finding myself questioning whether I should have handled it differently. I'm interested to hear what, if anything, others may have done differently. I miss my son...incredibly.

allthatsgood

Lizwig, I don't know what others would have done but I think I would have done exactly what you did. I know you miss him. I think he is banking on those exact feelings, hoping you will cave just so you can see him. It is not easy to keep our boundaries in place when we love and miss them so much. You are in my prayers and thoughts today.

pravchaw

You did well, lizwig. It shows you are recovering. I have the same deal with my son - he is not allowed to live at home until he chooses recovery. I keep in contact with him though and invite him for dinner at least once a week. Sometimes he comes, sometimes he does not. Looks like he is thinking - and there is a cognitive dissonance in his mind. This is a good sign.

Kindeyes

Lizwig
If I could have a dollar for every time I second guessed myself, I'd be quite wealthy.

If I can honestly say, I took care of myself in a healthy way, said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it mean......I did ok. Sounds to me like you did ok.

It's ok to say no to them.....

You know that your son knows that you love him with all of your heart........rest easy in that knowledge. God has him......and he has you too.

gentle hugs
ke

Tinks65

Big hugs to you Lizwig!! Sounds to me as though you are protecting your recovery. I believe our addicts know we love them ... always....

Not too long ago my son told me that when I started going to NarAnon things changed for him. It didn't happen overnight but he couldn't manipulate me anymore.

Tough love is just that; "tough" excruciating is more like it. Regardless, it is love pure and simple. If the answer to your son's addiction involved you flying there ... you'd do it in an instant. Sadly we all know the answer doesn't lie with what WE do or don't do.

I'm sorry for your pain .... I know too well what it is to miss a son lost in addiction. I think you did ok. As Kindeyes said "God has him" rest in that, Its a hard place to be but one of great strength. Awhile back I learned that the peace of God is not the absence of trouble in our lives but the very strength that carries us through it.

Praying for you, your husband and your son...

PresentTense

Lizwig, I had to give up the front row seat also. The show was killing me.

One day last August my daughter called and asked if she could come home just for a week to "rest". No mention of recovery. I said I would have to talk it over with my husband and get back with her. She was so insulted she didn't call back. When I called her a week or so later her number was disconnected (the only number I had) so I had no contact with her until March. Not even at Christmas. I didn't know if she was alive or not. She lived in a different city and I had no idea where she lived. I didn't even know if she was still in that city.

The way I made it through those months was pure grace from my Higher Power. That's all I had. All I needed. HP took care of me.

My daughter's HP was taking care of her during that time. She didn't die which is a miracle. She did go to jail and she started thinking maybe she wanted something different. The next time she called me it was to ask if she could stay with us a couple of days while waiting to get in rehab.

It was more than a couple of days and a really difficult time while she waited for an opening. She chose a 24 month residential program and entered when the opening came up in May. She has been there since then and seems to be doing well and learning a lot.

My point is that the only power we have is to take care of ourselves and I think that is what you did. Let's leave the rest to your son's HP. He knows everything about him, loves him, and is powerful enough to take care of him.

Meantime, you and your son are in my prayers...

KariSue

I wouldn't have understood what he meant so would have had to ask for clarification. I probably would have wanted to talk to him on the phone. If he meant that he was choosing to continue doing drugs and you'd have to overlook that then I'd have done as you have done.

I'm not sure what else he could have meant but I'd have to ask "What exactly did you mean by that statement?" I don't much care for texting with something so important. I think it makes for errors in communication.

Just my thoughts. It does sound like he wants you to ignore the drug use. No way!

Laurel

lizwig

Thank you all for your responses. They mean so much to me. I've said it before...but the support and encouragement on this site is incredible. I feel much better. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my evening....You are all superstars in my eyes. So glad we have each other....

lizwig

Hi Kari Sue, he does mean he wants all of us to ignore his meth addiction. I shut his phone off 10 months ago when he told me he had relapsed and didn't want any help from us. He said he had no intention of stopping using again. at that point we had to put some boundaries in place. He typically messages me privately through Facebook, even though we are not friends. He has texted me previously from the number he used yesterday but has never told me that's his number. He's nearly 23 and I made the decision I would no longer do for him what he can do for himself. I also know the tone he uses with me when he's actively using and I am not willing to subject myself to that anymore. So although it isn't my preferred communication (by far) it is what has kept us in any form of touch. Thank you for responding. I think I'm recentered now...

DJ0822

Lizwig - bravo to you.

Ilovemysonjj

LW, the meth thing is very demented and changed how the addict thinks. I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Sometimes it is so hard to remember that when in active addiction, our loved ones are NOT really present when they communicate with us.

KariSue

Oh okay, I get it now.

You are doing great. I am a MUCH slower learner than you are. Good for you!

Hugs, Kari

EJG123

Under the circumstances, I think I would have done the same thing. ((LW))