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Early sobriety = Feels like I'm being slow-cooked in a crock pot!



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Early sobriety = Feels like I'm being slow-cooked in a crock pot!

Old 08-11-2013, 11:35 AM
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Angry Early sobriety = Feels like I'm being slow-cooked in a crock pot!

To those of you within your first 3 months of sobriety, does it ever feel like you are in pain/anxiety/anger/fear but it's just barely noticable like a splinter in your brain? I'm 12 days sober, and really woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder, I skipped church, and got really pissed off when my mom got in my face and basically demanded that I go to an AA meeting.

If my sponsor would have done that I wouldn't have cared but because my mother did it, it absolutely floored me. She is basically the equavalent of the nagging yet loving/forgiving wife you older men might have in your life while still in your disease.

Just because I didn't go to church one time, and have not shaved in half a week, and spent yesterday sleeping and in my room, DOES NOT MEAN I'VE RELAPSED. She even said, "oh it sounds like your drifting." Which really pushed my buttons, and I countered, "well if you had any idea how difficult this is you would be cranky too!"

I'm really angry about my reality today and acceptance seems unatainable. I do not want to be just 12 days sober. I'm remembering today why I always went back to the chemicals, sobriety is just too hard. And the patience...oh god...the patience of "one day at a time" just gets old. I'm working the AA program going to as many meetings in my first 90 days, I have a sponsor I call everyday. And have really been willing, going to 6am meetings etc. BUT THE SH*T NEVER ENDS. I can't relax, it's like I have to be ridiculously busy because if I take a day or 2 to chill out watching movies and video games I realize how much it sucks to be an alcoholic 12 days into this lifelong journey.

Sorry for such negativity on a Sunday morning, but I need to get this off my chest and didn't want to complain and whine to my sponsor so I'm doing it here instead haha. I blew off all my days plans and don't want to play golf, going to the Action Group AA BBQ, NONE OF THAT SEEMS FUN IN THE LEAST. But I can't isolate either it seems because I start realizing how much I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know it gets easier, but time takes time and already I feel that AA is starting to become a drag again. So I'll go to the noon meeting and try and put my hand out there and talk to another alcoholic.

I'm just tired of feeling like constantly 5% uncomfortable 24/7 ya know? Sure it's only 5% discomfort, and I'm grateful that I feel 95% comfortable. But that 5% has got to be the "growth/change/coming to" happening within me which isn't pleasant at all. I guess even when I was high/drunk the 100% chemical feeling of peace was nice, although fake, and killing me and my life and ruining the lives of those around me. I miss numbing out and feeling comfortably numb, I spent hours last night tossing and turning with disturbing thought after another plaguing my mind. Gotta love starting over on this sobriety sh*t. It's always nice when hurtful memories that were burried deep for so long surface and terrorize me. It's like I'm in the crock-pot slow cooker, anyone else feel this way?

"Irritation formed the pearl."
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:01 PM
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I'm just over 2 months sober. When I first read your post title I had a vision of my brain in a crock pot...marinating in alcohol...on slow...for 25+ years. (ugh..wince).

I can definitely equate with the "growing pains" idea of your post though. Your mom's concern is simply from a place of "fear"...a typical feeling for loved one's to feel.

But I'm wondering..is your mom that far off the mark? You are feeling some frustration with AA...or did I read that wrong? I try not to identify too much with my addiction issues..in that...that is who I am. In sobriety, I am actually trying to figure out who I actually AM. I feel like "I'm surfacing"..and it can be weird and awkward at time times. There are moments I am positively clueless at to how to deal. But hey...I'm learning.
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:12 PM
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Feeling lazy and not wanting to do anything is very typical early in sobriety. It is for me anyway. I am on day 17 and still pretty lazy. Not going to AA meetings as much as I probably should be...taking naps, eating junk food, etc. Your mom has to realize that your body is still healing and it will take a lot of time and you will have up days and down days. It's all part of the recovery process. No one should rush anyone's recovery. Do it at your own pace. Take baby steps. Don't set the bar too high. Even if you have days where you feel blah and do nothing at all, as long as you stay sober, don't worry about it.
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:36 PM
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I know how you feel my wife is the same with me in on day 16.

You're not alone mate I want to hide under a rock at times.

Our family are just scared we are going to slip they watched our downward sprial and they have suffered with us I guess they don't want to do that again.

Just show them as I am by not drinking everything is on track you just need a break for yourself every now and again.

Great work your doing so far I know how hard the road is keep going.


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Old 08-11-2013, 01:03 PM
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I am 9 days away from one my year anniversary. No alcohol. No smoke. No Drugs. No Nuthin.

my advice?

Treat each day as if it were a separate life. Meaning, don't worry about tmrw, next week, next month or next year.

Instead, put all your heart and soul into making today a masterpiece. Look at today as if it were the first day, of the rest of your life.

Good luck and God Bless
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Old 08-11-2013, 03:03 PM
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What I get from your post is your mum cares YAC.
That's a brilliant thing to have in your corner.

Don't shoot the messenger, hey?

I know Day 12 is rough - all my first month was rough - but it gets better

D
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Old 08-11-2013, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by YoungAndClean View Post
It's always nice when hurtful memories that were burried deep for so long surface and terrorize me. It's like I'm in the crock-pot slow cooker, anyone else feel this way?
It does sound like your mom is only concerned but I also tend to chafe under such concern so I understand your issues with her.

Your quote above sounds like there are some things fueling your desire to use that are not going to go away without some work.

I used alcohol for years to not deal with unpleasant things, but finally starting to face them has been quite liberating.

I hope you feel better about your sobriety.
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Old 08-12-2013, 12:32 AM
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Sounds like you identified a key thing to focus on in sobriety for you right now - what's causing the 5 percent uncomfortable - and what would make it better.

Might take some experimentation to figure it out, but you will figure it out.

Congrats on 12 days!
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Old 08-12-2013, 02:35 AM
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What step are you working on now?
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