amandaw

Hi folks! In my earlier post I expressed worry and fear of sharing, and how to respond to those that get irritated with my not sharing. I went to a meeting this morning, and it truly was amazing. It was like I was "supposed" to be there. We read from a pamphlet and one of the paragraphs was about "sharing." I did share, and I cried, and I had the support and caring of the other members, no one shamed me and everyone embraced me it was wonderful.

Then it happened. The meeting was over, and I was preparing to leave and this older gentleman with 40+ years of sobriety started lecturing me. It started fine and then he started telling me what I HAD to do NOW. I know he's experienced and has been doing the program for more years than I've been alive, but it was incredibly preachy. He told me to start the steps NOW and that I'll die if I don't. He starts telling me that he's counseled 17,000 alcoholics, mostly women and that I needed to get a sponsor like him immediately. Then he gave me all his credentials and all the different ways he's been of service and how highly educated he is.

Others who had stayed behind the meeting to chat were whispering and looking at us, and then one person came up and distracted him while the other literally told me to "RUN!" Clearly, it wasn't just me.

So the question: "How do I deal with the unsolicited preaching?" I know he had good intentions but I didn't make it to the car until 20 minutes after the meeting ended. He would not STOP. I'm barely 3 days sober and when I get overwhelmed I shut down.

Generally every meeting I've attended has been very powerful in a positive way. I enjoy them. I just don't know how to respond to this type of overeager "help."

Thanks everyone!

Mountainmanbob

that guy is jumping way out of bounds there
we don't know for sure if someone is going to drink again or not
even though the AA Program has been a big part of my recovery
what some of those that attend forget is
that God has always given people a way out from drinking
many many got sober before the start of AA in 1935
AA recommends that men work with the men
and
the ladies work with the ladies
the guy that you have described sounds to be full of himself !!
and
should be working with men (if wanted by the men)

I get tired of the ones that preach that AA is the only way
they are deceived

many on this site I have noticed
have stayed sober without AA
but
I do recommend attending AA meetings
just try to stay away from the AA Nazis
many times I have also found them to be cultish

MB

soberhawk

Do not say he has good intentions his actions revealed his intentions to be bossy and intimidating to get his way.

Lightning Bug

There is always at least one bad nut in your trail mix. Just pull it out and get back to climbing your mountain.

LuLu13

Hi Amanda, I have run into the same thing several times at AA meetings. It turned me off, I still attend an occasional meeting but not as many as I should. I am three weeks sober and know that if the same things happen at this weeks meeting I will just tell the person "I am glad that worked for you but I need to do what works for me." and walk away. I am a shy person and this will be difficult for me but I have thought about it quite a bit. I am still not sure what role AA will play in my journey.

Great job on 3 days, keep on posting!

Eleni58

I think this guy needs to revisit Step #4 and take another personal inventory of himself. He needs to work on being humble and nonjudgmental. Don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch.

amandaw

Thanks you guys. I need to be better at getting out of uncomfortable situations without fleeing and never coming back. I'm vulnerable now and am scared that I will take any little thing as an excuse to drink. I like, "I'm glad that worked for you, now I need to find something that works for me." That's what I'll have to do.

Anna

I'm glad you got a good feeling at the meeting.

Focus on that, and let go of the guy and his preaching.

sicknote

I'd just try going to different meetings.

BadCompany

You are not socially obligated to sit and entertain a blowhard. The other paople at the meeting gave you the answer already.

Jeni26

I'm so pleased you went Amanda and that you got something from that meeting. Try and focus on that.

There are unfortunately the over zealous types that preach and I know they can be off-putting. I stopped going to a local meeting just because of one such person. I'm sure his intentions were good ones, but it can be so overwhelming to somebody new or feeling vulnerable.

Did you manage to get any of the women's numbers? It would be good to get into contact with one of them for support. You could mention how this guy made you feel and they might be able to help out in the future.

It would be a real shame if you were put off going in future, especially if, as it sounds, this meeting was a really good one. X

Cascabel

I had a similar experience at the one AA meeting I attended. After the meeting I was approached by an older guy who basically demanded to know my history. I gave him a Cliff's Notes version just to be polite even though the guy was really grinding my gears. He then proceeded to inform me that I wasn't a real drunk like him and shouldn't be wasting the group's time with my piddly problems. I pointed out that according to AA the only membership requirement was a sincere desire to quit drinking and thus I was as qualified to be there as was he. He dismissed that and continued his diatribe until I just walked away.

Two issues here: 1) the guy was way out of line and 2) not another person in the room made the slightest effort to intervene even though most were watching. I realize that it is not fair to judge AA by this single sample but still, I have never been back. Fortunately, it appears as though I don't need the sort of support that AA provides because I would find it difficult to try it again.

LadyBlue0527

AA does not recommend men sponsoring women or women sponsoring men. Additionally, to have someone ask you if you're collecting phone numbers and leaving it at that vs practically handing you their resume and pushing you to choose them is just insane. Especially a man approaching a woman. If people were diverting his attention and motioning for you to run something is amiss.

After your prior post regarding anxiety in sharing and hearing that you did, and it was a good experience, I am disheartened to hear this. Please, please, please, find one of the people who diverted him so that you could get away and talk to them. Perhaps you can find them when you get to the meeting and stay by them.

I would have recommended you find another meeting but that would be a shame. It seems like you're starting to open up and beginning to feel comfortable.

visch1

Sometimes we get too involved in helping others and forget Moderation in ALL our affairs. I'm glad he didn't chase you from attending meetings, for all I know he might be a 13th stepper so beware. BE WELL

Db1105

It sounds like the group is we aware of this persons antics. What he said was out of line. There are a lot of 'unwell' alcoholics in AA but that goes with the territory. Don't let these sick people deter you. Stick with the winners.

miamifella

It sounds like this guy was one of those who switch their addiction from alcohol to AA. He was after you to get his fix.

There are rules against giving advice and taking other's inventory during the meeting. So some people save it up for after.

sugarbear1

There's a bit of truth in what he said, even if he isn't the "right" sponsor for you.....

amandaw

Seriously most meetings I've been to have been awesome! I usually go home feeling so GOOD about going. I still feel that way about this particular meeting. I'm just looking for guidance on how to respond in situations that make me uncomfortable. I feel like I need a list of tools to take with me so that I DON'T get scared off again. That being said, there is another meeting location in my city that I'm comfortable with attending, and I'll be doing so. Maybe even tonight. Thanks everyone!

Grungehead

The polite thing to say would be something like "I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. Excuse me for a minute I need to talk to (fill in the blank)." Preferably the fill in the blank would (will) be the name of your female sponsor.

wakko

I go to a ton of different meetings and thank goodness we do not have anyone like you describe. Our old timers are very low key. They will give advice if asked and friendship if nothing else. Just tell him you do not feel comfortable talking to men and to recommend a woman.

Yikes, Unfortunately there are broken people in AA just like everywhere else. Just keep coming back and sample a lot of meetings