AugustWest11

I saw it coming & it could have been worse. But it was enough to fill me w\ shame & guilt today on top of my already heightened depression. Which by the way got worse today after seeing my ex.`s mother.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling.

Like I've said to you before, i know you're having a rough time - but there's no answers in the bottle AW - whatever problems we have we need to find new solutions.

I hope you'll give some thought now to what those new solutions might be.

D

AugustWest11

I know your right Dee; and I also know I might need outside help w\ this; but above all else I NEED a plan .. I keep saying I will get one; I am not even sure where to start planning :p After my Tuesday meeting w\ SS; I will have a better view of my living situation so that could be good or bad; no clue yet

MidnightBlue

Sorry to hear about this, August.

But I agree with Dee - there's no answers or solutions in a bottle.

You stumbled, so did a lot of us.

Stop beating yourself up. Get up and move forward.

And keep looking for a spot of joy, remember?

MidnightBlue

Exactly. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

AugustWest11

Thanx MB; I am resolved w\ it I guess; Today was just icing on the cake when her Mom came by w\ Pizza.. She hugged me when she left and started to cry and then w\ this guilt & shame; I have been "hiding" since Friday, I am just sinking lower ... Although like I said it could have been much worse; If I didn't have to work Friday night it would have gotten UGLY again

MidnightBlue

Oh, look at the positive side - at least you can eat pizza guilty free, unlike me.

Anyway, guilt and shame didn't help anyone by far. So get your head out of this and start making a plan NOW. Don't know where to begin? Start with small, basic steps, routines.

AugustWest11

Thanx again MB. I will start now. I need too stick w\ it as well :-( I realize I am trying to do too much at once & on sheer will power *sigh*

IOAA2

It's good your here right now. I know it's difficult however if I can put a positive attitude on in general life and accept things I can't control so be it. Absolutely nothing is worth drinking for as there is no guarantee we can get back. In general we have a bit working against us like we have a tendency to forget the pain within a short period, we get angry easily, become lonely, controlling, defiant, want to isolate and much more. I learned my way around these characteristics by attending AND getting involved in AA. Haven’t desired a drink in years which I’m grateful for.

MidnightBlue

Yeah, willpower has its limits.

Good luck with a plan. Try to do it managable, not too stressful and unrealistic to perform.

Sorry for the blond moment - I don't remember if I asked you or not - have you tried meditation? I've been a big skeptic about this myself - but it helps!

Best wishes.

Keep you chin up.

AugustWest11

Yea, you asked, an started trying, but w\ the chaos going on in my life it's not working out. I have been reading allot on the topic though. I know I need to do this for me b\c if I don't act now; I will be dead in a year :-(

ImperfectlyMe

So sorry August. I know you are struggling with sobriety as well as a whole lot of environmental factors. This particular slip was a result of seeing your ex mother in law. What were you feeling vulnerable, abandon, sad, angry, failure, lost, missing your ex? Whatever feelings were brought up during your visit are the feelings that you need to work out.

Some of us alcoholics slip because we are bored and want to join the party. But it sounds more like you are slipping to almost punish yourself and make yourself disappear. Self validate the crappy feelings you felt when seein X-MIL.

If I had some words of wisdom I'd give em all to you. I'm really pulling for you. I know you can do this. I have found that not drinking is the easy part. It's dealing with all the SH!t that makes us want to drink that's the hard part.

You're not alone we're all here with you. All of your sober time and even your slips are instructional guides for what needs to be done. Sending you cyber hugs

Mountainmanbob

I returned to that point in time often
wasn't until I got sick and tired of myself
that I had a true desire to stay sober

consider it part of the process for many
and
don't drink today

MB

AugustWest11

Thanx guys. Actually the slip was Fri. A day before her visit. Things as I have said are complicated & complex for me right now. I need to focus on so many things that it has been hard to maintain any sense of myself or what I want\need to do :-( TY so much for your support guys.

Aems

Hi August,

Try not to guilt yourself. A lot of us have many starts and falls before we get it right. There is so much to understand regarding the physical and psychological effects of stopping our drinking or drugging. So much is going on inside of our bodies when we stop using, some of which has nothing to do with willpower and everything to do with the changes going on in our bodies. Try to educate yourself a bit on post accute withdrawal syndrome and maybe it will help you to understand what's going on in your body when you do have a relapse and then with that knowledge, perhaps you can move forward better prepared. Have a good day.

AugustWest11

Thanx; I have actually been reading all kinds of "recovery" or sobriety books & educating myself; I just "gave in" Friday; not to My AV but to the pressures that have been building around me as of late. I am on a crash course right now; and all out of power steering fluid ..

MidnightBlue

Hm..To me it's plain AV in disguise that tells you "You've been under such a pressure later. You "deserve your remedy". So let's go have a drink to "relax".

AugustWest11

Maybe MB; but either way; I didn't even fight it; I just "gave up" ... I know that for a fact

RobbyRobot

When I struggled with drinking I sooner then later realized I was not going to be successful with my struggles if I didn't change my game up enough to honestly face my challenges of the day.

It became pretty obvious I was ruined by my drinking in ways that I could never hope to ever get right if I kept drinking/quitting and so on - and knowing all this really just depressed me and of course drinking helped me forget my troubles even as drinking made my troubles worse, lol.

I haven't drank for years now, and yet no matter how long I've been sober, I still can't just pretend that living a good life means I can just not care about my responsibilities and do whatever makes me happy. Knowing this really helped me see the bigger picture with living a non-drinking lifestyle.

The more early on I embraced my need to change and adapt for the responsibilities of sober living the easier and more successful I was with the ongoing challenges of my new life even when they became very difficult and drawn out.

I learned from my mistakes in ways which helped me stay quit. I focused on being honest with myself on what could get me back to drinking and realized I could change my game up to dodge those bullets and move on with what I had already going for me meaning I didn't have to sit around waiting for my sober life to get real if I would just start living as best I could with what I already had.

This lesson really helped me understand everything starts somewhere and takes time and effort to make it real - including of course living a good sober life. I was really surprised just how much I had given up when I was just drinking my life away...

I hope you don't justify yourself into thinking you need some kind of perfect plan to quit drinking before you can quit drinking. There are no perfect plans required to quit - all we ever need is something that really works for the present challenges and troubles which drinking brings.

For me now, drinking brings me zero problems because its been so long since I drank there really is no struggle with drinking anymore so it is with many others who have also successfully quit drinking too.

YOU can quit August!

It's not rocket science and all complicated. Its as simple as can be, is my experience. Having said that, changing things up is not usually easy of course, life being life, but quitting itself is what it is and making it more then what it is is just another justification for drinking again.

Keep trying to quit and eventually you'll figure what works best for YOU. Giving in to drinking really just means your addiction did a beat down on you. You can change that to a different outcome. You can have a life without drinking!

FreedomSought

Hey hope you guys don't mind I have a little chime for this thread. I'm pretty new but I did slip after 64 days a month or two back, so I can relate. Part of the viscous cycle is that we start feeding the AV or Pain-Body as soon as we sober back up. It is the first thing we do as alcoholics and addicts.

We either beat ourselves up or start running from ourselves. Self-punishment turns to self-sympathy and self-pity. "I'm no good", "I've failed this many times", "What's the point in fighting it again?" And we're back taking another hit or another drink.

We have to be good to ourselves. I ate junk food last night. Probably an unhealthy amount. Now, physically, I don't feel so great... Kinda lazy, almost a FOOD-hangover, I guess my heart just really needed to find comfort somewhere, and I caved. Lucky it wasn't a drink. Too bad I didn't come up with a better coping mechanism, but what's done is done.

Physically I'm not doing so great. That won't change until my body's digestive system catches up with the overload, so if I eat right today, get a good night's rest, I'll wake up okay Monday.

Emotionally, I'm proud of myself because as I sit here typing this, I can honestly say I am not beating myself up. I know I could have risen earlier on a Sunday and felt fresh and healthy had I regulated my eating, and even better if I actually dealt with that loneliness, even if I just tried to find someone to share my junk food with!

But I don't hate myself. Slowly, I learn what it means to love myself unconditionally. I'll leave the thread with this: Imagine a young child (imagine you have a son or daughter) comes to you at 1AM with a tummy-ache. They stacked a chair in front of the freezer and pulled down a half gallon of ice cream, and ate the whole thing. How do you treat the child?