keeper7

Everyone has been telling me for months I should go to a group 12step like al-anon. But I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around the vague yet religious feel. I was raised in a religious home where you did things without question because "it was tradition" and al-anon just has that 'feel' to me. Granted I have not gone to a meeting yet but being a book worm have read a couple books and all the literature / website stuff I can find. I do want to talk witb supportive people who understand A but I can't get past the "do this and this and your life will work!" feel. Can you go and not work the steps? Can you just have fellowship with others without all the rules added in? Really looking for face to face fellowship...but don't know if I can handle the rest right now.
I am one of those people who if I am given rules to follow I have to follow them perfectly or I feel really guilty, I am trying to cut back on rules right now for both me and my kids. I guess I feel like if I start Al-anon or another 12step program I will just be switching one set of rules for another.
Am I just seeing 12 step programs through the glasses of my very legalistic controled past?

DreamsofSerenity

In my Al Anon group, the only rule really is that you can't "cross talk" when someone is sharing.
Pertaining to working the program, I can't think of one single rule. I would not let your dislike of rules keep you away. I'm not a big fan of rules myself.

There is a lot of debate on SR about whether Al Anon is religious or not. I personally do not find it religious because my particular group is composed almost entirely of non-religious people. At the end of the meeting, in lieu of the Lord's prayer, we say a short poem together. God is mentioned in the steps but not at any other time.

I went to a meeting once in a smaller town that was more religious. We said the Lord's prayer together, and people mentioned God quite a bit in their shares. However, religion was not pushed onto the non-religious people in anyway. In fact, nothing in Al Anon is pushed on anyone--in my experience.

Lastly, you do not have to work the steps. That only happens when you find a sponsor--you work the steps with him/her. The steps are discussed in the readings and shares but you are not expected to have worked them--also in my experience.

I think you would be pleasantly surprised with Al Anon. I have found it very laid back and tolerant--not like a strict religion in any way whatsoever.

keeper7

Thank you for sharing. It really helps to hear others experiences. I was planing on going and then I met my AH sponsor for AA and he was all "he works the steps and does what I tell him or he gets out of AA or finds a new sponsor." I know he was probably just trying to let me know he was not going to take it easy on my AH, but it has played in my head and made me wonder.

Recovering2

There is no requirement or expectation to get a sponsor or work the steps. If a person wants to do that, great. But there are those who come for the group support and to listen to shares. That's fine too. I think it can be whatever you want it to be. Some groups are more God oriented than others. My group refers to having a Higher Power, but we don't name that Power. That definition is different to different people.

Instead of reading about it, try a meeting. Our group suggests that people try 6 meetings before deciding if AlAnon is for them or not. I tried 3 different groups before I found the one that was a "fit" for me.

I do think with AA it's a little stricter. But accountability is part of the work for the A.

Wavy

In your readings have you come across the phase 'take what you like and leave the rest'? Well that sums up everything about Alanon! No one will judge you, pressure you or tell you what to do, you just pick the bits that help you and ignore the bits that don't fit you right then. It's kinda great like that

Anyway what do you lose by going and trying it for yourself? You might just like it! It's been an incredible source of support and insight for me, I'm so glad I had the courage to go to my first meeting.

I'm atheist and have no qualms about working the program, god is not forced on you, the idea of god in the steps is just to accept there is "something" more powerful than yourself, that much as we want things to go our way there are things other than our will that affect what goes on. It's up to you to define that "something" for yourself it doesn't have to be god, it can be nature, the laws of physics, the universe, the wisdom of your Alanon group, whatever makes sense to you. And again there will be no judging whatever you choose, even if you never choose anything!

Hammer

Might want to leave your head out this. Let alone wrapping it.

Might not, but speaking as a so called smart person . . . my best thinking gots me where I am ats. Which I find is not such a smart place.

I have found this is more of a heart and soul type operation, and that is area that Alanon works in.

Loopydays

As Hammer says - its a Heart and Soul thing - too much thinking about Al Anon didn't work for me, once I stopped over thinking it- I got so much out of it!
As others said, it's recommended to try 6 meetings before you make a final decision- try different ones, all have a different flavour, some will fit, some wont.
As they say Take What You Like and Leave the Rest-

Ps the God thing got me too- so glad that I didn't let terminology get in the way of me finding a great place for support, friendship and lots of common sense! Good luck in finding a good fit.

LexieCat

The Steps are really a set of principles for how to live a good and happy life. Break them down into what they really mean (as you might in Step-study meetings or working with a sponsor) and you understand that.

In AA, working the Steps exactly as described in the Big Book is the only way for some alcoholics to stay sober. So it can quite literally be a matter of life and death for those people. For others, maybe you learn to practice the principles without formal Step work. But basically, most of us discover that a large part of our unhappiness isn't so much what other people around us are doing/not doing, as it is our reaction to it. Al-Anon teaches us to basically mind our own business, take care of what's ours to take care of, and allow others the dignity to take care of what's theirs to take care of.

And finally, if I were unhappy enough, I'd try to keep an open mind about something that might help me--especially when it has helped so many other people.

Seren

My home group contains about 12 or 14 regulars. Small group, not very rigid, everyone gets to share, or not share, as they choose. If you are wondering what it is like, I really recommend Mike's (DesertEyes) stickie.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

We also have sub-forums here on SR specifically for the Al-Anon 12-steps, that might give you some idea of how folks work them on-line:

Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

honeypig

Hi, keeper--I really can't add anything, as pretty much anything I would have said has been summed up already in the previous posts.

In AA, I understand that when people are expressing hesitance to try the program, they are told to "try a meeting--if you don't like it, your misery will be refunded at the door!" Same sentiment here, I guess--it's only an hour of your time. Better to go and form your own opinion than keep on second-guessing from what others say.

And again, as already mentioned, no one will pressure you to do/think/say anything. Tons of free choice, tons of support. I'd urge you to give it a go also.

Best wishes, and do tell us how it went!

lillamy

Yes. Yes, I think you are. I have experience in pretty legalistic churches as well, and I understand that you don't get out of that kind of surrounding and willingly walk into a place where you feel you may be ordered around and limited and told what to do at every turn.

Al-Anon has been a very gentle experience for me. It's been a place where I have felt like I was OK, despite what or who I was, despite whether I cried or swore or had a drippy nose or wore a stained shirt. I've never felt the acceptance in a church that I do in Al-Anon.

And I can tell you I've gotten a whole lot more straight-talk HERE at SR than I've ever gotten at Al-Anon, even from my sponsor.

Give it a try. It's not a cult; they won't incorporate you into the Borg; worst thing that may happen is someone may try to give you a hug.

BadCompany

The 12 steps will cure you of that for sure.

OneNightAWeek

I had been hearing a lot about al anon, and overall Im not that comfortable with the 12 steps program, but I thought the aspect of just going for group support might be helpful, so I went to my first meeting recently and took a girlfriend with me. The meeting wasnt super large, and a few people paid me no attention, and a couple said hi, and gave me some literature. Afterwords someone came up to chat. I like the no cross talk, and I didnt share but listened. The readings were ok. I dont know if I will make a habit of going yet, I may from time to time but I dont intend to work the steps or get a sponsor. I think I would feel more comfortable working with a doctor if I need personal help in that way.

I hope no one finds this question offensive, its not my intent. But people say you go to meetings and take what you want and leave the rest. That seems fine, but al anon seems to have very specific beliefs on how to relate to the addict in your life, what role you are supposed to play, and things like this. On this forum (my experience is on the substance abuse side more) but people who practice al anon seem to be very aggressive in their beliefs, and telling your outright what is right and wrong as if its laid in stone. This is healthy, this is unhealthy for example. I have been to see an addiction specialist a couple of times now, and what he says often conflicts with what al anon seems to support. I think it is a case of old school, new school of thought.

I was curious on how people handle this, or if anyone else has had this experience?

LexieCat

Pretty hard to comment on that without a specific example. ANYONE is free to do what they want to do--there is no Al-Anon police that are going to kick you out if bail your husband out of jail, for instance. As a matter of fact, Al-Anon's Steps don't say anything about a lot of specific scenarios. It's up to each person to apply the Steps to their particular situation. In general, the 12 Steps in AA and in Al-Anon (the steps are identical except for one or two words) teach us that we are responsible for ourselves and other people are responsible for themselves. One way the Steps are sometimes summarized is "clean house, trust God, and help others." God being, of course, whatever higher power you choose to believe in.

NYCDoglvr

I am an agnostic recovering alcoholic in my 22nd year and I got sober with the 12 Steps.
Bill Wilson specifically says "a higher power as we understand him", which means you define what your HP is. For me GOD = group of drunks. Hope you don't stop because Alanon can save your life, it did mine.

skippernlilg

What made me laugh is that you got the impression that the Al-anon program tries to say that if you do these things, you'll get this happy life!! LOL. Oh no. Life is messy and it just has variations of mess levels. Al-anon gives you tools that you get to define your own happiness, if that's what you want. It lets you know that there is something more powerful than someone's bottle or your will. That's freedom. For me, that is happiness. But you get to choose, and that's the biggest lesson.

Wavy

Here people can be quite direct and tell you exactly what they think and give their opinion, but this isn't AlAnon. You won't find that at AlAnon. Advice giving is discouraged, the idea is an exchange of experience, strength and hope, so that you can draw your own choices from the things you've seen work or not work for people as you see fit. I can't really comment on the conflict of advice, not knowing what the conflict was or having experience from a non-AlAnon perspective.

I'm not sure AlAnon does give that specific guidelines about how you are supposed to interact with an A, it is just trying to get you to look after yourself and sometimes to look after yourself you need to step away from someone else, but it never says what you are doing is right or wrong. In the shares in the literature it specifically says these shares are not the right way or the wrong way, just the different ways people have experienced their life its up to you to take the bits you find useful from them.

It is recommended that you try 6 meetings before you decide if its for you or not. AlAnon is such a broad program that one meeting is not really enough to start getting your head around it. Try a few different ones, they all have different feels. If its not for you after 6 no one will mind, just try it and see.

m1k3

Hi Keeper.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you except I have been going to Al-Anon for 2 1/2 years now.

I don't have a sponsor, I don't work their steps and I am an atheist.

What I get out of Al-Anon is good group therapy, a sanctuary where I feel completely safe, an awesome support group and some very dear friends.

Al-anon is for me and I will use it the way that helps me best. No reason you can't do the same.

Your friend,

keeper7

Ok, I have childcare lined up and will be attending my first al-anon meeting tomorrow night. I have taken care to talk to a few people who know the meeting and say it's a good supportive group, not just a whine and gripe fest. I'll update after to let everyone know how it's going.
thanks for your support and encouragement!!!

honeypig

Good for you for locating a meeting and committing to go! Here's a link to find meetings, in case you need any help w/that http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Also, regarding child care, many of the meetings in my area offer child care at the meeting and suggest a donation of a couple of bucks for the service. You might want to see about that. Also, if any of your kids are old enough, they can check into Alateen. Again, in my area, Alanon and Alateen meetings are often held at the same time and place.

Looking forward to hearing how it went for you!