HopefulinFLA

I'm having a hard time grasping the concept of detachment.

I've got the 3 C's down pat, no problem.

I fully understand that his drinking is his problem, not mine. However the consequences of his drinking very often become my problem ie someone has to pay the light bill and buy groceries right? (Really resent that stuff.)

I completely understand that nothing I say or do will have any lasting impact on the problem. Obviously, how much ranting have I done and nothing changes?

But detachment is another thing entirely. It sounds like it could bring so much more peace to my world, but I just can't wrap my head around it.

Any advice would be great!

dandylion

HopefulinFla, detachment, alone, will not repair your whole relationship or make you comfortable with unacceptable behavior/circumstances. It CAN buy you breathing space--by allowing you to stop trying to control the things you can't--or to engage in stupid arguments that only exhaust and confuse you--it helps relieve some of the pressure on you so that you can attend to your own needs. It also allows you to stop living your life through someone else.

It is a difficult concept for most--at first. Practice makes it easier and easier. But trying to correct a toxic relationship with detachment, only, is like trying to build a whole house with only a screwdriver.

dandylion

HopefulinFLA

Great analogy!

I know it won't repair my relationship, I'm just trying to find a little calm in the storm, some temporary relief from the insanity. Just a few moments at a time where I feel completely at peace, free of this nagging uneasy feeling in my chest.

Recovering2

For me, detachment helped me stop the craziness that was going on in my own head for awhile. It definitely didn't fix the problem of alcoholism that was in my home, but it helped me get through the days a little easier. I stopped looking for bottles, stopped allowing him to push my buttons. I didn't argue. I didn't criticize him, didn't respond when I would get home and he was drunk with food all over the kitchen counter. I would keep a safe distance from it. I made time with friends to get out of the house. I went to AlAnon....a lot.
It did help me find some calm in the storm until I could make other plans.

healthyagain

I also had a hard time with this concept, but detachment came, and it was inevitable when my emotions for him (lets call these love and passion) started fading. Personally, I do not understand the concept of detachment "with love," but as others said, detachment is a strategy to find your own peace during stormy days (and nights). And my husband is showing affection only when he has enough booze, so this weekend, he was pretty much unavailable. I just have to move through the weekend without him.

Recovering2

I think detachment with love means we don't do it as a punishment, we don't do it out of anger or spite. We do it to save ourselves, we make the decision to get out of their way and put a little more focus on our health that day. That's how I understand it.

pravchaw

Detachment to me is a belief that the problem (Addiction) belongs to the Alcoholic and only he has the key to solve it i.e., its his internal problem. Its not my problem. Detachment is to protect yourself from the external manifestation of addiction.
Setting limits, is a reasonable and rational response to dangerous and emotionally hurtful situations as long as its motivated by a need to protect yourself and your family not as a prod or punishment for the purpose of punishing the person with the addiction.

DreamsofSerenity

I'm still working on it but I think of detachment as saving myself. When the SS Sickness is sinking, I jump off instead of staying on and futilely bailing out water to stop the inevitable.

I understand this is very hard when the A's actions directly affect you. I think this is when, in order to detach, you might begin working on a longer term plan to save yourself.

healthyagain

Whatever I did and whenever I did it, it has never been a form of punishment. It was mostly a futile attempt to communicate and express my concerns, trying to have a conversation (this is what married people do, right?). Then I just stopped caring, because after trying so hard for years, you just do not have strength anymore. That is how my detachment came. Then you figure out that there is a pattern in AH's behavior and that other alcoholics also show the same pattern. Then I see that my behavior had a pattern too (and I really really have evolved, but still have a lot of work to do).

I often feel that my love reached a new maturity level - from being a doormat to "hey, I do love you and I do not wanna hurt you, but there is a whole world out there, and life is too short to be wasted." Maybe that is detachment as well.

Hammer

Right about now, I am thinking a Chainsaw would be a good tool to use in detachment.

HopefulinFLA

LAMO Hammer! Some how I don't think that's the kind of detachment we're talking about. However, I really can relate!

Danae

Now that made me smile

skippernlilg

Detachment, for me, was connecting with my HP and remembering that the situation, my A, and even myself were NOT the power in my life. Once I had that spiritual time (and you can make it whatever you want), and I had a balance of my own spirit, then my body (exercise, meditation, stretching, self care), and then I saw my mind also in a healthier place to love fully without engaging in negative behaviors. I was very angry for a long time, and that was giving the disease more life. That was not the right decision. So, just making the little decisions, one at a time, that focused on my HP and where the power deserves to be, I felt more power in my decisions. Does that make any sense?

Wavy

For me, detachment required a level of self belief that I just didn't have at first. To detach you have to believe yourself rather than the A. To be able to be calm and happy when an A is ranting at you and telling you what a bad person you are needs for you to know that isn't true and acknowledge that they are motivated by their alcoholism to say those things. My trust in myself had been so undermined that I believed him and detachment as very hard.

It also requires belief in yourself that you will be OK no matter what and I didn't believe that either, I was so deep into the relationship I didn't see any other option. To detach when the A is out drinking and doing who knows what - getting into fights, cheating, running up debt, whatever, it takes belief in yourself that, while you understand the 3Cs and can't stop him from doing those things, it won't be the end of the world if they do. While I was feeling like it would be the end of the world, there was no chance of detaching.

new beginnings

Even now as I am taking a break trying to center myself and read some of these posts, my AH comes in yelling at me. I calmly tell him he doesn't have to yell at me. His response is to yell that he is not yelling at me. Wow! This morning he tried to sound sincere and ask me what was wrong. I told him something that had been hurtful and bothering me. I made the mistake if using the term "I feel" he jumped all over me saying my feelings were wrong, etc etc etc. thanks to this sight, I just listened. I had to stop myself from laughing at points because in his rant in telling me how wrong I am and trying to turn everything around on me, I remember all if the posts I have read about others experiencing the same thing from their A's. and in that moment I too was able to detach and know it wasn't me or anything I have done or haven't done. It is all him.

HopefulinFLA

Thanks everyone for your comments. This has all been very helpful.