Something I've needed to say for a long time.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Los Angelos, CA
Posts: 1
Something I've needed to say for a long time.
I don't know what I was really looking for in writing this...Other than feeling like I needed to and for someone to read it. Hope you enjoy. This is about as honest as I can be. 'Bout time.
This is a story that has been in the making for many many years. It is a story of extremes and taking just about everything I can to those said extremes. More so than anything, this is a story that I need to tell, for me, maybe for others....but mostly for me. This way, I can hear how ******* rediculous i've been, and how honest I need to be with myself and whoever deicdes to read this, because I'm too much of a ***** to just come out and tell everyone.
Last I checked the beginning was a place most people start. So I was about 12 or 13, I was pretend straight edge. I used to X up my hands and listen to Minor Threat, Better than a Thousand, and a bunch of other preachy hardcore. Now, you can't really be all that understanding of what all of that means at that age; No drugs (never seen or did any), No drinking (never had a sip), No sex (haha)....but I was all about it...Until I go to hang out with a couple cool kids down the street and have a sleep over at their ranch style house with a barn and plenty of woods/hiding spots (Not to mention stoners for parents). I go over and just as it gets dark, we all go out to trampoline. Shortly after they break out the ol' weed...They didn't have to convince me very hard, and I was already curious. So I grab this redish swirly looking water pipe, hit it (with a bunch of people standing around), and then obviously begin to cough till I died three times. After this, **** was I high. I remember rolling around in the barn, laughing uncontrollably, being really scared of marcus in the kitchen cutting cheese with a knife wayyyyy to big to be cutting cheese with. It was great, we did it a lot more, and I did it a lot more on my own. Weed isn't the issue here though. I still smoke weed, it calms me down, helps me sleep, and gets rid of the ten times the normal person energy I have usually. It's my aderol. The problem I have/had; Is Alocohol and Cocaine. **** if I just stuck to weed all this time, I'd be in great shape, but when I was around 18 I finally started drinking, not too long after, I tried blow for the first time. If every relationship on the planet were as toxic and inseperable as those two things are for me, well, I just don't really want to think about that.
Now I've quit doing both of the Alcoholing and the sniffing of the drugs, but only a week ago. You coudn't pay me to do blow by itself because I have and it's ******* terrible. It makes you all paranoid with anxiety and act real weird. With alcohol however; it's the best feeling in the world. Straightens you right out when you get too drunk, and if you aren't makes you feel like the ******* coolest rad dude that has ever been from dude land. This toxic relationship has been part of my life for about 10 years....Enough is enough...It will kill me, put me in jail, or both at some point.
My problem is a strange one though...I'm real good at seeming ok, not too ****** up, just like I'm having a good time. I seem and act decently normal and responsible. I've always had good jobs. It's this insanely huge illisuion I've created that is my life. The reality is, I'm super out of control when I go at it and I don't stop until my body basically shuts down and I sleep for a day. My party friends know what's up but they could give a **** cause they're doing it too..And when I go into work still having not slept, still drinking and doing drugs in a haze...I some ******* how pull it out and no one can tell. It's like I am impervious to the ****....but I'm not ******* stupid either. l know damn well this is going to catch up to me. I know that it is starting to and I've almost royally ****** up some of the best things and have ****** up some of the best things that have ever happened to me...Because of all of that I've decided now is the time to take back my life. I have...I'm not too far in but I'm taking it a day at a time and have never felt more like myself in my entire life. I have more money, I feel awesome when I wake up, I can buy things I want, I'm doing what I say I will, I have motivation, I'm loosing weight already. This is all in a ******* week! a week! I need to keep writing this. I need to keep re reading this. I need to remember how close I was to loosing everything I've worked really hard for in California, for nothing. For a head ache, a hang over, creepy cocaine anxiety, and a empty wallet, with unpaid bills. **** all that. I'm taking this **** back, for good.
-Patrick.
This is a story that has been in the making for many many years. It is a story of extremes and taking just about everything I can to those said extremes. More so than anything, this is a story that I need to tell, for me, maybe for others....but mostly for me. This way, I can hear how ******* rediculous i've been, and how honest I need to be with myself and whoever deicdes to read this, because I'm too much of a ***** to just come out and tell everyone.
Last I checked the beginning was a place most people start. So I was about 12 or 13, I was pretend straight edge. I used to X up my hands and listen to Minor Threat, Better than a Thousand, and a bunch of other preachy hardcore. Now, you can't really be all that understanding of what all of that means at that age; No drugs (never seen or did any), No drinking (never had a sip), No sex (haha)....but I was all about it...Until I go to hang out with a couple cool kids down the street and have a sleep over at their ranch style house with a barn and plenty of woods/hiding spots (Not to mention stoners for parents). I go over and just as it gets dark, we all go out to trampoline. Shortly after they break out the ol' weed...They didn't have to convince me very hard, and I was already curious. So I grab this redish swirly looking water pipe, hit it (with a bunch of people standing around), and then obviously begin to cough till I died three times. After this, **** was I high. I remember rolling around in the barn, laughing uncontrollably, being really scared of marcus in the kitchen cutting cheese with a knife wayyyyy to big to be cutting cheese with. It was great, we did it a lot more, and I did it a lot more on my own. Weed isn't the issue here though. I still smoke weed, it calms me down, helps me sleep, and gets rid of the ten times the normal person energy I have usually. It's my aderol. The problem I have/had; Is Alocohol and Cocaine. **** if I just stuck to weed all this time, I'd be in great shape, but when I was around 18 I finally started drinking, not too long after, I tried blow for the first time. If every relationship on the planet were as toxic and inseperable as those two things are for me, well, I just don't really want to think about that.
Now I've quit doing both of the Alcoholing and the sniffing of the drugs, but only a week ago. You coudn't pay me to do blow by itself because I have and it's ******* terrible. It makes you all paranoid with anxiety and act real weird. With alcohol however; it's the best feeling in the world. Straightens you right out when you get too drunk, and if you aren't makes you feel like the ******* coolest rad dude that has ever been from dude land. This toxic relationship has been part of my life for about 10 years....Enough is enough...It will kill me, put me in jail, or both at some point.
My problem is a strange one though...I'm real good at seeming ok, not too ****** up, just like I'm having a good time. I seem and act decently normal and responsible. I've always had good jobs. It's this insanely huge illisuion I've created that is my life. The reality is, I'm super out of control when I go at it and I don't stop until my body basically shuts down and I sleep for a day. My party friends know what's up but they could give a **** cause they're doing it too..And when I go into work still having not slept, still drinking and doing drugs in a haze...I some ******* how pull it out and no one can tell. It's like I am impervious to the ****....but I'm not ******* stupid either. l know damn well this is going to catch up to me. I know that it is starting to and I've almost royally ****** up some of the best things and have ****** up some of the best things that have ever happened to me...Because of all of that I've decided now is the time to take back my life. I have...I'm not too far in but I'm taking it a day at a time and have never felt more like myself in my entire life. I have more money, I feel awesome when I wake up, I can buy things I want, I'm doing what I say I will, I have motivation, I'm loosing weight already. This is all in a ******* week! a week! I need to keep writing this. I need to keep re reading this. I need to remember how close I was to loosing everything I've worked really hard for in California, for nothing. For a head ache, a hang over, creepy cocaine anxiety, and a empty wallet, with unpaid bills. **** all that. I'm taking this **** back, for good.
-Patrick.
to SR! 
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Patrick 
I thought I was pretty good at looking like I was functioning too. I heard so many people here say they thought the same too but people knew. Well if people knew with me they didn't say anything. And the people I have been honest with have been pretty shocked. I think a big part of that is because if it doesn't land you in jail or make you homeless it's not a problem right? But there are so many degrees in between. I always minimised my drinking problem but it was still a problem. Just because we are good at the illusion doesn't mean we have to keep doing it til we are homeless
I thought I was pretty good at looking like I was functioning too. I heard so many people here say they thought the same too but people knew. Well if people knew with me they didn't say anything. And the people I have been honest with have been pretty shocked. I think a big part of that is because if it doesn't land you in jail or make you homeless it's not a problem right? But there are so many degrees in between. I always minimised my drinking problem but it was still a problem. Just because we are good at the illusion doesn't mean we have to keep doing it til we are homeless
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