barbiedoll5

I am the spouse of an adult child of an alcoholic. I have been married 30 years and have 5 daughters. I love my husband more than I can express. this year , he dropped a big "bomb".. said he was not sure he loved me, not sure about this marriage and not sure why " I settled for him" I will never be able to explain the shock... ever. He has been the most perfect of husbands and father.. other than my inability to intimately emotionally bond or reach him... I was happy. I accepted what I could not change and the good far outweighed the bad. I thought it was a mid life crisis . We went to counselling . I could describe my childhood in under 10 mintes... it took over an hour to collect his family history. At 3 he witnessed his alcoholic father beat his mother almost to death. He never saw his mother again until he was 28. He thought she was dead his entire childhood He was raised by his alcoholic extremely abusive father and a string of women. It was while listening to him that I could see big issues. I googled adult children of alcoholics and could see the EXACT description and characteristics of my husband and finally understood all the issues in my marriage. So here I am... not sure what to do to save this marriage. Counsellor says he has profoundly entered the "perfect storm" and had much pain to release and years of counselling. I could stand by him... I could continue to love him and support him.. if I understood why he blames so much on ME. Why he talks of leaving ( since April) but never actually goes. He has hurt me beyond description and not sure how I will repair anything. He has almost every characteristic 100 %. He is over responsible, gives endlessly, cannot say no, fixes everyones problems, workaholic , emotionally unable to express himself and on and on it goes. He blames me for for controlling him, not loving him enough , never having a "say" and a long list of shocking revelations. I am want to help him.. as it is clear he is hurt and struggling. But I can barely give him anything.. as he has almost destroyed me. He has been someone else for 30 years.. now the mask is off and he wants "something for himself" ... counsellor says his struggle has " very little to do with me" .. but he will blame me. I have no idea what I am to do... If he wants to leave.. abandonment is not an issue... but he has made no move to actually leave. Someone... please.. explain this to me ... and tell me the best way to handle this... he is my entire life. what does he need from me? he has never been able to tell me... I need to know.

pinkdog

Hi barbie, I wonder what caused him to suddenly drop this bomb? Was there some event? I hope you can get him to go to counseling more. I suggest you check out Al Anon, which is for loved ones of alcoholics. I, myself, am an alcoholic so my advice is limited. People here will respond with more information about Al Anon. You can go online and check it out too. My heart goes out to you.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation, but I think you should listen to your counsellor's advice that this has not much to do with you. I think you need to take care of yourself and, if your needs are not being met (ie, he talks about leaving, but doesn't leave) then you can decide what you want to do with your life, at this point.

soberhawk

Hi Barbiedoll5,

There is a lot of hurt and genuine shock in your post, which is fully understandable.

If I am fully honest you are also at times blaming yourself for somethings that is not fair towards yourself.

I understand your hurt, but I would not go the road you are going here. I would focus on taking care of my self to be able to get through this shock.

I hope you have good friends that are supporting you or a good counselor to help you through this.

Even if people with abusive childhood could relate to some of your husbands problems. If I were you I would not see that as first priority – I would focus on recover from the shock I had been hit by, gain foothold in the world again.

Hevyn

Welcome barbie. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope it helps to be here. I agree that you need to focus on yourself and to figure out a way to heal from this. Sharing your thoughts here will hopefully help ease your pain a bit. We care.

wiscsober

barbiedoll5

You are not to blame for anything.

I commend you for being a loving mother, friend, and wife.

DesertEyes

Goodness, barbiedoll5, you are dealing with something huge. I cannot even imagine what a nightmare this must be for you.

I am an adult child of an alcholic. I have experienced and overcome much of what you describe about him. Perhaps some of my experience can be useful to you.

I have no way of telling you why your husband does that, all I can do is tell the reasons _I_ used to do that. In my case, I blamed the people who loved me the most because I knew they would not retaliate. I had to blame somebody else for my failings, else I would have to blame myself. With time, recovery and a couple good therapists I managed to repair my shortcomings, and no longer needed to hide behind blame.

In small pieces. The issues of ACoA pile up on top of each other. I had to examine and heal each issue individually. The first ones took the longest, but as I went along they became easier and faster to heal. My suggestion is that you do something similar; instead of trying to repair the entire marriage all at once work on just one very small issue first. When that is healed move on to the next.

That is very common with ACoA's. When I first started recovery I had _no clue_ what I needed. My therapists knew, of course. As a child I never had the experience of having my needs met. I did know all about meeting the needs of my alcoholic parents. When I grew into an adult I did not know how to identify my needs, never mind explain them to somebody else.

There are not any good books on the subject. However, the folks that deal with incest survivors have done a great job of reaching out to partners and family. I recommend:

"Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis"

If you skip over the parts about incest you will find a lot of information in that book that directly applies to ACoA. That book was very helpful to me when I fell in love with another ACoA and had to experience the issues from the "other side of the fence".

You may also want to browse around our forum for ACoA's. Feel free to post there if you wish, you don't have to be an ACoA. It's a very quiet forum but the people there are amazingly wise and kind.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I'm glad you decided to join us. Do post all the questions you have and everybody will toss in their own experience. I think it is awesome that you are so supportive of your husband and so willing to learn. Welcome again.

Mike

barbiedoll5

thank you everyone. I have no idea what finally made him snap... but now that I know about ACOA , I can see a 30 year pattern of meeting EVERYONES NEEDS IN THE FAMILY 100 % ( and 5 kids is a big family), never standing up for himself, unable to express emotions and avoiding conflict. I can see why I have had some marital problems and frustrations. I had no idea that his childhood scarred him so deeply. The therapist says it is also a midlife crisis/ identity crisis and he will need therapy for atleast a year. He is going weekly but extremely difficult and stressfull because of all the things he said to me. Again, the therapist said he would blame me ... apparently to avoid looking internally and facing his pain. Past of midlife crisis in men is to blame spouse for all their unhappiness. And he has . She is a great therapist and I am very happy he is going. If this marriage does not survive, he is still the father of 5 and they need him. I am to learn loving detachment.. very hard to do. I am in for a long bumpy ride... and very painfull. I can see that. Walking on egg shells for now.. until I figure out what exactly is the best way to handle this. I avoid him at this time because I am afraid of what else he might say.He has hurt me deeply.

EndGameNYC

Bingo.

Being part of a family -- in this case, a husband and a father -- does not conjure up happy memories for him. He may feel that he has no other choice but to leave in order to save himself. And you. His demeaning you and your relationship with him will only make it easier for him to walk away. If he framed your relationship as happy and healthy, the break would be that much more painful for him.

Sounds like you've got a great therapist.

soberhawk

You wrote in the first mail that he had been someone else for 30 years and now the mask is of, I understand why you see it that way - I do not believe you are right.

He is off balance now and doing terrible things, it does not mean he was wearing a mask for 30 years.

I am glad you are doing a little better now.

Take care.

barbiedoll5

thank you.. all the insight helps me think and figure out my place right now. I referred to a "mask" as not being able to live in a way that was his true self. Maybe mask is not the right descriptive. I am unable to really describe how it feels to have know someone so long that was not able to be honest in the relationship and now wants to end it. I guess I wonder (if I am to be perfectly honest) how it became my fault. I did nothing to him, did not raise him, and have been willing to learn with him and support him. I do not think that is what he wants... not sue HE knows what he wants. But once the words " I do not think I love you anymore or want to be married to you ( after 33 years)"... it burns a whole in how I feel about him... I struggle daily with keeping my love for him . I am trying to have faith and wait.