MTSlideAddict

How do you respond to an apologizing A that you love very much? I receive a text this morning saying, “I love you. I’m sorry.” This of course is after a three day bender. Not sure what the rest of the day will bring, but whatever. This text means nothing to me.

Love was never the issue. I know he loves me as much as he is capable, and I love him very much back. The love has been what has clung me to him for so long. I love him deeply, which has given me a blinded sense of hope for him to change to my “Prince” for far too long. There is a point, though, that love is not enough. I have reached that point. I still carry love FOR him, but I don’t feel as if I can say I am IN love with him anymore. I’m still not sure if I was ever truly in love with him either, because I look back through and replay “our movie” with all the abuse and neglect and I wonder what was I really misconstruing for love.

The “I’m sorry” is a transparent form of manipulation that has no real meaning behind it. I have heard this like a broken record throughout my years with him, and I have placed a delusional unsaid “promise to change” behind those words many times in the past. The I’m sorry tend to repeat as a result from him hurting me in the exact same way over and over again. It’s like I have been pressing a big red button that will shock me each time I press it, but I continue to press it because it simply says “I’m sorry” after each shock. I have formed this notion in my head that by hearing the “I’m sorry” the button will not shock me again, so I keep pushing it and I am upset because I get the same results over and over again. Prime example of insanity.

How do you respond to a load of crap?

LexieCat

You could just say, "I know."

lizw

'Thanks' is a good one too

Hammer

dunno -- have NEVER seen a single one that I recall.

You may consider that an "I'm sorry," even if half-assed and clueless -- is far better than many of us will ever hear or see.

But back towards your question. Words are cheap, as you have noted.

I suppose he is at Show Me (to you) Time.

Amends are something one does. Not so much something one says.

mv6348

You can give yourself some time before replying. Obviously you are not sure what to do.... so you dont have to reply right away... in fact you dont have to reply at all.

DesertEyes

In a way that will protect _you_ from getting hurt again. What I do is write down a handful of choices that I have: I could believe my ex, I could get angry and send back something nasty, I could hope that she finally want to get clean and sober, I could ignore the text, etc.

Then, next to each choice, I write out the _rest_ of the "story" that has happened when she has texted me.

I could believe my ex.... like I have many times before, and then she just goes out and does it again.

I could get angry.... like I have many times before, and then she gets angry back and I feel guilty and I end up calling my sponsor, etc. etc.

What I have heard in al-anon is called "play it to the end". I know the script because I have played it many times. I just don't _like_ playing it to the end because I know what the end is and I want life to _change_ and happen _my_ way. I want a happy ending.

There are happy endings. I can have a happy ending to my day, _today_, if I keep my focus on my own recovery and stop trying to change people who don't want to change.

So what are your choices? And which ones have made your life better, the last time you received a load of ****?

Mike

BoxinRotz

I say...

STFU!

DragynLady

I finally sat my husband down and said, "I know you're sorry, but those words don't mean anything anymore. Nothing changes. I'll accept your apologies when your actions match your words."

Now, my default is, "I know you are. I love you too."

dandylion

MTSlide, I know you feel compelled to give him an answer--a response. Certainly, he IS putting a lot of pressure on you to respond in a way that he WANTS you to. A way that serves his purposes well--a return to the comfortable status quo.

HOWEVER, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE HIM ANY RESPONSE AT ALL. Detach and ignore would be the best strategy for you, I think. He will keep pressuring you, no doubt--like the little toddler nagging the mother for ice cream until she finally gives in!.

At this point, you are not buying what he is selling.

dandylion

nbay2013

Awesome line. I realize the delusional "promise to change" is what messed me up over and over and over.....

My EX-AB WAS truly sorry. He would say, "i will never do it again". Which was the delusional part on both of our behalves.

I eventually learned to just say, "ok". Until it wasn't ok.

Ironman9292

I would say that even a half hearted apology is worth getting. Neither one of my brothers would ever apologize. Both are alcoholics and use drugs. My oldest bro ran from a sting to my house once, cops put pistols in my face when I answered the door, not to mention he ran off with my second wife a few months later.. When confronted it is always somehow my fault for him having to behave this way. My other brother has used me multiple times as well as stolen from me and when confronted im the *******! I say all that to say this, when youre dealing with an addict, and you get even the slightest apology, accept it because there are to many out there that just don't give a rip. It is very hard for someone to admit when they have screwed up, especially an alcoholic, I know this from experience. sorry to ramble, I hope that helps in some way.

MTSlideAddict

I didn't respond to the text, but of course it was followed with another one later that read, "You deserve better than what I'm giving you. youre a beautiful woman with a lot to give to me and I'm truly sorry."

My response to this one was, "I appreciate your apology. Thanks, and you are right."

Short and sweet.

Ironman9292

I don't know the whole situation but all things considered I think that was prob a great response. Keep your head up!!

Recovering2

I honestly don't see the need to respond at all. I see that as part of the manipulation. They want a response....any response. I think NOT responding sends a stronger message.

OnawaMiniya

I love that analogy!

Well, to give my two cents on your question... it depends. I have responded in several ways to my husband's apologies, within the line of thought that his apologies are meaningless as it will just happen again.

"Your words mean nothing because you will do it again."

Literally not responding at all.

"No, you're not, if you were you would stop doing it."

"I know you are." If I feel he is actually saying sorry and not trying to suck me in. Even he is occasionally sorry for real...again, does not mean he will do anything about it, which I may add onto the end of that "I know".

"An apology means nothing when you keep doing it."

"But you're not going to do anything about it."/"You want me to feel better, as long as you don't have to actually DO anything about it."

"When you stop (full in blank) then I might believe you."

"Your actions say otherwise. They are much more honest than your words."

Etc.

It depends on my mood, if I even care enough at the moment to point out the obvious (that he's not going to do anything differently). And also depends on his mood. If I feel like a certain response might anger him, I sometimes won't go there, because really...I don't feel like dealing with the BS. Sometimes I have to pick my battles to spare my own sanity and protect my well being.

Remember, not responding at all is ok too.

Good luck.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Should've read the entire thread first

Good response! I've heard that same line over and over myself..."You deserve better blah blah blah..." So annoying. It's so annoying that most or all apologies are really just them saying,"me me me me me!" as the "apology" usually or always has little to do with caring about how they make you feel.. It's just about them "smoothing it over" for the moment, saying whatever they have to to get through the immediate future, until it happens again.

I feel for you. Hugs.

LexieCat

Perfect response. Alcoholics usually ARE sorry. They can't stop doing what they're doing, but they are sorry they're doing it. I can't tell you how many times I'd get up with regret and remorse, and if those things were capable of making me stop, they would have. Sorry doesn't change anything. It's a sucky way to feel.

The thing is, the fact that someone is sorry doesn't have to affect whether you are willing to tolerate the behavior. So I think it's fine to acknowledge the regret and the pain of the alcoholic without its altering one thing about how you respond to the drinking behavior. Neutral acknowledgements, rather than acknowledgements accompanied by little digs about how they don't really mean it, etc., takes away another EXCUSE for the alcoholic to go on the defensive, get resentful, and drink.

blake1989

Thanks for this thread MTslide, and all the responses. I was about to post a nearly identical question.

I believe my alcoholic gf truly does regret, and feel remorse. She will apologize profusely after each episode of drinking. The next time I see her, she usually doesn't drink, and we have a polar opposite 'dry' night watching a movie, making dinner together, etc. It fills me with such hope. And then she is in too much pain again and goes back to a bad night. ZenMe taught me the term - 'intermittent conditioning'.

I don't know that my responses to her apologies have been that great, but that's why I'm here.

The last bad night was 2 days ago, after she quit drinking for 2 weeks.

I got the same thing: I love you. I’m sorry. I feel terrible about last night, and I'm sad I did that to you.

I said I know you feel bad. I love you, just not what happened.

Still too codependent I'm guessing. The truth is I was so hurt that I didn't want to say anything.

NYCDoglvr

Talk is cheap. See if he stops drinking or not. If not, he loves the bottle a lot more than you.

LadyinBC

And it shouldn't. I wouldn't even respond to it. Sorry means nothing, it is actions that count.

My daughter got fed up with "sorry". It was really just a reprieve. To appease her until the next time. She ended that pretty quick.