bailey17

So I wasn't sure where to put this, and I was hoping my friends at SR could provide me with some support.


I broke it off with axbf almost a year ago. Less than a month after we broke up, he got a coworker pregnant and married her. Well this stung a bit, considering I felt like it was a slap in the face after I had spent 3 years devoted to this man. The baby was born recently (unfortunately in the town we live on, inevitably word gets around). When I found out, I wasn't really sad. More uncomfortable. For the past year, I went through therapy, antidepressants, I got my life back on track the best I could. I wanted to work through the hurt and betrayal rather than ignore it. But when I found this out, I had to really look at myself honestly.


I never wanted that life with this man. And I felt bitter that life had done me unjustly - I was a good, loving girlfriend, who sat back while this man physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me for years. But after some time and healing, I realize the choices I made, and the part I had in the relationship. And I also realize that while it stung a bit that he "seemingly" moved on so quickly (but I know the pain he holds in his heart has not healed) life never guaranteed me it would be fair. All along I was expecting some great poetic justice, that he would "get his" and lived a life of misery, and in fact moved on to marriage and children (really out of character for the life of the party kind of guy he is). But you know what? To steal from Codependent No More : IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I never wanted to build a life with this man- so why should I expect life to turn around and make him face the consequences of mistreating me, when I never did! I never let him face the consequences of treating me badly- I expected the universe to do it for me, while I sat around and cried for myself. Each time he would hurt me, I'd take him back, stitch him up, minimize his alcoholism, and actively encouraged him to blame me for his misdoings.

I thank God every day for this forum, the books written by others who have gone through this before me, and the chance to connect with people across the world who have selflessly offered me support in some of my darkest hours. The relationship with him may have been abusive and the roughest three years of my life- but if I had to do it all over again, I probably would. It has provided me with so much more insight into my shortcomings and given me the chance to understand what living a healthy life looks like.

Thanks for listening, as always.

involved

It is tough what you have gone thru. I also was in the same situation but for 10 years. The relationship troubles progressed to the point where it was untolerable and 2 days after I moved out I found out about the other woman. She was also a co worker of his. A month later I heard thru the grapevine she had gotten pregnant (and ultimately miscarried) they later married. I happened to see them in the golf course together and I was devistated! How could he just replace me in an instant? After all we had done in 10 years, did I mean so little? He just filled the position!!! But I finally realized that it wasnt a out me...it was all about the alcoholic. Like you I wanted him to pay and suffer the consequences! Then I realized he IS and always has been suffering! He just self medicates so he doesnt feel it! I lived long enough to hear that he ended up divorced. Like you I couldnt understand how he fit into the daddy husband roll. He was in his fourties and had a 13 year old already...the replacement was much younger and wanted kids i was told. It has been just 5 years since I left and I have since heard that she has now been replaced...her shoes filled, with another young one....another co worker... and he is still self medicateing. Keep reading, going to counceling and looking toward a happy future...Like you I learned a lot and am still working on my character defects. One thing I took away from counceling was that the only thing I did wrong was that I stayed too long. I am a good person and was open to love. As long as he is actively drinking he will never feel the consequences and even if things look great in pictures he isnt truely happy...but there is hope for us as long as we keep looking forward! You were a good girlfriend! He was a bad boyfriend and the only person we can change is our self!

LifeRecovery

bailey17-

I had a similar life circumstance.

I have hated the learning, but so appreciate the lessons. I am pretty sure I needed those lessons and would not have learned them another way (or I would have but it would have looked pretty similar).

That does not make where we are easy. That does not minimize the pain, for me what it did was to add a drop of gratitude...that my life is where it is supposed to be, even when it is hard.