BLUESMAN52

To my wife Debbie: Poem written on 5/26/04
by: Her Husband Joe C.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for the pain I've put you through, I'm sorry you're unhappy with your life & job.
I didn't plan on getting sick like this, I've hurt you, I did, this poor old slob.

I'm sorry for our son Joey, who is living within my pain.
He doesn't deserve to suffer, just because I'm lame.
I try to be a good Father, he knows this and loves me that is true. But I am different than the other Dad's, there's things I just can't do. Like baseball games and fishing trips, and camping with the scouts, I want to be there for him, but I'm stopped by crying bouts.

I get up in the morning, and I cry from the time you go.
I struggle through the entire day, tears flowing from head to toe.

What HAVE I done to my family, What Have I done to your life? The cars the pool the mountain views, are nothing like a smile from my wife.

A smile I haven't seen for a while, I smile I really miss, a smile that I stripped from you, a smile and all your bliss.

We're coming up on 25 years, a marriage very strong.
But lately I've been feeling, that I really don't belong.

Please trust I'll never leave you, no matter how ill I get,
The house and dreams might have to go but you and I are set.

I don't know where we'll wind up, I don't know where to go,
No job, no money, no will to live, doesn't give us many choices you know.

If only there was a job for me, to bring money for eight more years, then Joey would be a man by then, on his own, happy, no fears.

I'm sorry that I failed you, I'm sorry I let you down.
Just please take care of Joey, in case I'm not around.

Always tell him I love him, always tell him I cared, even though I am just a miserable drunk, always running scared.

Here's thanks to the demon alcohol, that stripped me of my life. Im sorry son and daughter, and I'm sorry my lovely wife

Dan

Joe
You left me speachless...
((()))

surfinsupermom

(((((((JOE))))))

That was beautiful and from the heart. Great job!

xoxoxo

angela

BLUESMAN52

I am sittin here cryin' in a pool of tears and cannot stop.

I hope some "newbies" read that poem....

I don't know what God has planned for me, but I hope his plans are kind to my family. I am totally out of control and cannot help myself any more.
I'm takin' the meds, I know they take time, but it's like I don't see a future for me. The dream is dead, ya know?

Dan

No I don't know that...
You are promised a happier life like the rest of us addicts and alcoholics.
Joe, you are spending way too much time in your own head. That's a lonely place right now. Get the **** out of there, now .

BLUESMAN52

Dan,
I know I am spending too much time in my head. I feel numb and worthless. I haven't even enough money to put gas in the car and get out for a ride. I have a lake full of bass and can't fish, a pool with 82 degree water and can't swim. All I can do is cry. It won't stop...This place was our dream man!
I am watching it slowly disappear. This is not self pity, I've been there. This is different. This is tossing in the towel....giving myself to God and let him do what's gotta be done. I can't go to a hospital....I can't do anything. Everyday I can't wait for nightfall so I can go to bed. Then when I get there, it is restless and full of worry. I wake in cold sweats, in panic, with heart throbbing. I FORCE myself to get my son to school, then I cry all day after the wife leaves for work. It wouldn't be as bad if I had just F*****ed up my life, but I F****ed up my wife's life too. Man, I can't even eat I am so messed up crying...
I am gonna lay down for a while. Shame I can't enjoy this awesome weather, but I just can't do it.
Thanks for being there.

mackat

Heh joe
good poetry- hold on to it, here's three i wrote- ist in the 'end time' before recovery, the second two as i kept walking on this path:


#1:
I keep my head in my hands
cause i think with them mostly
and reserve my mind for nail pounding
We all come together each night.
My hands reminisce about lost idealism
My head is calloused and bitter

I tell ‘em to get a life
But we just sit and hold each other
Bitter hands
Broken head

#2:
Midst of a mist
in a rain
in a drought

will and the bias of life

no laser focus
shotgun might be kindlier.
monsoon silkscapes
as the Sangres melt

clean the gun
polish the prose.
Durrell leaves me
scared of my stupidity.

#3
Yee hah
gods all shout
YES YOU CAN!!

mackat

BLUESMAN52

I like what you wrote.

I'm really happy for you and hope one day I can enjoy life as you are.

Seems like and endless journey for me.

Then again, to others, my life is a typical recovering alkies life.

Maybe I can look back one day sand say..."Man, I almost lost everything", instead of losing everything and looking back and never forgiving myself.

That is the road I am on now. These meds suck and make me sick.

KelKel

Joe
Unfortunately I can really relate to what you wrote. I too am full of regret and self-loathing due to my alcoholism. We both need to believe that things will get better, one day at a time. Sorry to hear about your meds...what are you taking?
Love & Light

BLUESMAN52

I know I posted it somewhere else, but my docs have tried every anti-depressant and every mood stabilizer known to man and none worked because either I drank with them, or developed an allergy to them.

Now that I am sober, the only drug they feel safe giving me is Lithium and Klonopin...OH, and antabuse so I can't drink.

I just feel so out of it and so damn emotional. I am stubborn. I don't want to lose my house and cars. I worked all my life for them and my kid is so attached here. All I want is a job and I can't find one.
A job, getting out of the house, having a few extra bucks to go to a movie, ya know? I just don't see it happening for me.
Write to me anytime, OK?

Little Missy

Great poem (((Joe)))!

namommy

Joe,

Great poem, but it scared me. It sounds a little like a good bye note. please don't do anything stupid. I went through a major depression as well, I spent all of my time in bed praying that god wouldn't let me wake up in the morning. Like you, I ran the spectrum of anti-depressants that either didn't work or I had a reaction to. Finally, my doctor who refused to give up found 1 that works. But, that's not enough, I had to get up and face the pain, walk through the fears. I started showing up for life a little at a time. First, I started to go to meetings everynight, I talked to my sponsor everyday. Then I started to go to NA functions, (if I had a breakdown, at least I would be around people who understand), I started driving again, then taking short outings with my family, the longer ones, now I am working again, and living a very full life. It seems like alot, and it's not going to happen overnight. One step at a time.

Think of the Christmas special 'Santa Claus is coming to town'. When Kris Kringle breaks the ice of the mean snow guy (can't remember his name). They sing that song.
'Just put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor, just put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door'

I know, I have 4 kids, I live in a cartoon world and I like it here.

Love ya

Laurie D.

mnj1024

I agree with laurie on this one. The poem is incredible joe, you've really got a talent there, very moving. But it scares the crap out of me too with the innuendo's of you not being around. I know we haven't had much contact here at SR, but I read just about everything you post. I feel like I know you personaly and I care man, alot of people here care, never forget that. we will love you until you can love yourself, and you can and will if you stick around. other's have been exactly where you are at we can do this together. ((((((((((((((((joe)))))))))))))))))

BLUESMAN52

(((Laurie)))
(((MNJ)))
(((Missy)))
Thanks for the boost.
You are very perceptive folks! It is sort of a goodbye note. I don't intend on killing myself, but I don't see a future for me either. I want to work but my age and lack of skills are in my way. I often pray NOT to wake up, but then I catch myself and ask God to please disregard that
I can't imagine my son's life without me.
So, I have lots of reasons to want to live, but I can't find a way to make it work.
I am scared. I don't know if I even need this lithium? Am I really Bipolar? or is it booze withdrawal. Symptoms are almost identical, and I never had Bipolar symptoms till I tried to quit drinking, so I don't know what's what.
Please keep writing, OK?
Love you all!

True Blue

Joe sending you hugs & prayers. xoxoxoxoxox

BLUESMAN52

Janet,
I need them now more than ever. I am not doing well at all.

Thank you, and stay in touch

wingsfree

(((Joe))) your poem...picking up my jaw off the keyboard.

Very well written, straight from the heart.....but so sad Joe.

I see lots of tallent....ever think of doing cards for Hallmark?...something to think about.

I have something to tell you. It's about someone I knew real well, he was 53 when he passed away, left his family so damn sad, and they still are, it's over two years now, but the scars are still pretty fresh.

His story....here it goes...this isn't intended to scare you or anything, but make you think, but guess you don't need to be thinking anymore then you already are. Oh here I go into the rambling again.

Anyways he wasn't feeling good, kept putting off going to the Dr. he had a family to take care of..that's where his thinking was....he kept getting sicker and sicker as the weeks went by...he always he an excuse why he shouldn't go to the hospital, this is so sad. He passed away the day after Christmas at his house....leaving his family shocked, scared...LOST, and part of them angry that they didn't make him go to the hospital, his wife is my close friend, so I've been going through this with her, and it hurts damn bad seeing her pain, and her guilt because she didn't make him go to the hospital, but she couldn't make him go, could she? I keep reassuring her plus others that it wasn't her fault. Her family wishes he was here so bad Joe, so bad.

You make me think about your son, you always say you can't go to the hospital because of him, who will take care of him, etc.....ok Joe what happens if something happens to you....who will take care of him then, think about it for a sec...I wish you'd go to the hospital, get fixed, then have some peacuful years with your family.

My thought for today, I hope you take something out of this Joe, and I really hope you start to feel better soon, it's hard sitting back and not knowing how to help.

Love you my friend, been saying extra prayers for you.

BLUESMAN52

Sad story, and yes, it could be me.
The reason why I am not running to the hospital is that I have had all these symptoms before.

At work one day, I was rushed to the ER with apparent heart attack symptoms. After hours and hours, they said it was panic and anxiety. That's when this all began. They even sent me for a stress test and found my heart perfect. That was 16 months ago. I am not running to the hospital because I have faith that God is taking care of me, plus, there simply is no money in the house. If I start using credit again I'll be worse off than ever.

I really appreciate your concerns, and if I need to, I will find someone to watch my son and go to the hospital.
Right now I think it is just worry and despair over not being able to work. If I was out of the house for 8 hours a day working, I bet I would feel just fine.

I'm eating better now, so that is a good sign. I am sleeping better too, but just can't stop the tears.

I'll be posting here there and everywhere so you'll know what's up, OK Denise?
Luv you girl!

True Blue

CELEBRATE YOU!
YOU ARE WORTH CELEBRATING.

YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING.

IN ALL THE WORLD THERE IS BUT ONE YOU. THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSON WITH YOUR TALENTS, YOUR EXPERIENCE, YOUR GIFTS.

NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE. GOD CREATED ONLY ONE YOU, PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT.

YOU HAVE IMMENSE POTENTIAL TO LOVE, TO CARE, TO CREATE, TO GROW, TO SACRIFICE, IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. IT DOESN'T MATTER YOUR AGE, OR YOUR COLOR, OR WHETHER YOUR PARENTS LOVED YOU OR NOT. MAYBE THEY WANTED TO BUT COULDN'T. LET THAT GO, IT BELONGS TO THE PAST. YOU BELONG TO NOW.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN, THE WRONG YOU'VE DONE, THE MISTAKES YOU'VE MADE, THE PEOPLE YOU'VE HURT. YOU ARE LOVED IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING. SO LOVE YOURSELF AND NOURISH THE SEEDS WITHIN YOU.

CELEBRATE YOU! BEGIN NOW. START ANEW. GIVE YOURSELF A NEW BIRTH.

TODAY - YOU ARE YOU AND THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO BE. YOU ARE TEMPORARY. HERE TODAY AND GONE TOMORROW. BUT TODAY, TODAY CAN BE A NEW LIFE. IT IS GIVEN FREELY.

THAT IS THE MIRACLE CALLED GOD.



SO CELEBRATE THE MIRACLE AND CELEBRATE YOU!


Joe I know the part about parents not loving you does not apply to you, but when I saw this it made me think of you and really all of us here at SR. Keep nourishing those seeds Joe. Love you

Novemberphoenix

Hi Joe,

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much pain. I may be off the wall here, but perhaps your tears are a necessary part of the healing process. We get attached to so many ideas about who we think we are and what our lives should be like and what we should have etc... Coming to terms with the loss of our illusions about the way things "should be" can bring on profound grief.

Maybe allowing yourself the feelings such as they are without trying to analyze what is happening or judging yourself harshly because of it is all you can do right now. Treat yourself the way you would treat your son if he were the one in pain. When you start being hard on yourself stop - and ask yourself if you would say the same thing to your son. Would you allow anyone to speak to your son the way you have spoken to yourself?

What I have found in my own life is the only way out is through, through the pain and the sadness and the darkness, accepting that everything is impermanent and a great deal of my pain has been caused by my own attachments to what I want instead of accepting what is. One of the most difficult things for me to accept was that I could allow the pain to be there rather than fight it, when I stop fighting however I found that I didn't have to drown in it, allowing the tears to flow eventually brought me to the other side to peace.

I realized that railing against the pain only brought on more pain in a neverending cycle because by fighting it I was holding onto it, accepting it and allowing it to be I was able to let it go. The best example I can think of is of is the pain being someone walking through a room in my house, their presence makes me profoundly uncomfortable but if I let them keep walking rather than grab at them and fight them for being there, they will keep on walking right out the door with no interference from me.

You are in my prayers Joe.

Hugs

Marie