I miss my brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6
I miss my brother
I realize it's pretty long, but I've tried to omit any unnecessary information.
I'm 23 and my brother is 25. For the last 10 years, my brother has been having problems with alcohol and other substances, and I've been watching him kill himself and destroying his chances of a prosperous life ever since.
Since the problem first arose, about a decade ago, he's been in and out of juvie, jail, prison, and rehabilitation centers. He has bipolar disorder. He's gone through probably a score of jobs, and has lost all of them as a result of his addiction to alcohol.
After his last stint in jail around September of 2012, he moved back home with me and my parents. He was an absolute mess. He was constantly drinking and also using spice and marijuana. I would hear him talking to himself, crying, and banging around the house in the middle of the night, and I couldn't sleep. Late at night on Thanksgiving Eve, I confronted him at 6AM after trying to sleep for the last 6 hours. To keep it vague, I discovered that night that he faced some horrible trauma while he was in jail, and it sent him into a serious downward spiral. I became really traumatized by it after a few weeks, and started hallucinating.
At night when I was trying to sleep, I would hear him crying, or hear him banging around. I would go to investigate, and he was nowhere around. I was beginning to really lose my mind. I was confused often, had little energy, and became incredibly irritable and sad. I had just gotten into a top business school, and was beginning my first semester in January, and I really couldn't do well in school if I wasn't getting any sleep at night. So my parents, who are pretty well to do, offered me some refuge in order to get away from my brother. They are now helping me with rent and things so I can live on my own while I go trough school.
After I moved out, my brother was still spiraling. When I found out what happened in jail that caused my brother so much trauma, I told my parents that he needed help, immediately. My brother was afraid to get help because he didn't want my parents to have to spend money. I assured him that we, as a family, don't care about money nearly as much as we cared about his well-being.
Fortunately, he checked into rehab about a week later. It was a pretty ****** place, and it actually didn't cost my parents anything. It was provided by the state. He was in there for a few months and was doing really well. For a short bit of time, I had my brother back. I got to see him for lunch every Sunday and it was amazing, because it was actually him. Unfortunately, he was kicked out of rehab for having a girl in his place.
After he was kicked out, he stayed away from alcohol for a while and moved back in with my parents. My parents live pretty far out in the suburbs, so it was really hard for him to get a job there. He couldn't find one. I was pleased that he was staying off the drugs and alcohol, until I saw him post on Facebook that he got his medical marijuana card. I was devastated. He assured everyone that he wasn't going to drink anymore, but we've all seen him go down this path many times before.
Around March of this year, he got in more trouble. I don't know if he was using, because I wasn't living at home and my parents try to keep me out of it, but he got in trouble again for numerous minor violations (non drug related).
He was locked up as a result, and is currently locked up in the local jail.
So I guess the main point of all of this is, my family has been trying to help him forever. My parents' philosophy in helping him is to provide him a place to live, and some rides to places he needs to be. When he gets out of jail, he'll have been sober for a while (I dont even know when he gets out), and I feel like it is probably an opportunity for recovery.
What can I do (or not do), to lead my brother towards a sober, fulfilling life when he gets out of jail? Underneath the abrasive exterior, he's an amazing and truly generous person, and I miss him very much.
Thanks so much for reading.
I'm 23 and my brother is 25. For the last 10 years, my brother has been having problems with alcohol and other substances, and I've been watching him kill himself and destroying his chances of a prosperous life ever since.
Since the problem first arose, about a decade ago, he's been in and out of juvie, jail, prison, and rehabilitation centers. He has bipolar disorder. He's gone through probably a score of jobs, and has lost all of them as a result of his addiction to alcohol.
After his last stint in jail around September of 2012, he moved back home with me and my parents. He was an absolute mess. He was constantly drinking and also using spice and marijuana. I would hear him talking to himself, crying, and banging around the house in the middle of the night, and I couldn't sleep. Late at night on Thanksgiving Eve, I confronted him at 6AM after trying to sleep for the last 6 hours. To keep it vague, I discovered that night that he faced some horrible trauma while he was in jail, and it sent him into a serious downward spiral. I became really traumatized by it after a few weeks, and started hallucinating.
At night when I was trying to sleep, I would hear him crying, or hear him banging around. I would go to investigate, and he was nowhere around. I was beginning to really lose my mind. I was confused often, had little energy, and became incredibly irritable and sad. I had just gotten into a top business school, and was beginning my first semester in January, and I really couldn't do well in school if I wasn't getting any sleep at night. So my parents, who are pretty well to do, offered me some refuge in order to get away from my brother. They are now helping me with rent and things so I can live on my own while I go trough school.
After I moved out, my brother was still spiraling. When I found out what happened in jail that caused my brother so much trauma, I told my parents that he needed help, immediately. My brother was afraid to get help because he didn't want my parents to have to spend money. I assured him that we, as a family, don't care about money nearly as much as we cared about his well-being.
Fortunately, he checked into rehab about a week later. It was a pretty ****** place, and it actually didn't cost my parents anything. It was provided by the state. He was in there for a few months and was doing really well. For a short bit of time, I had my brother back. I got to see him for lunch every Sunday and it was amazing, because it was actually him. Unfortunately, he was kicked out of rehab for having a girl in his place.
After he was kicked out, he stayed away from alcohol for a while and moved back in with my parents. My parents live pretty far out in the suburbs, so it was really hard for him to get a job there. He couldn't find one. I was pleased that he was staying off the drugs and alcohol, until I saw him post on Facebook that he got his medical marijuana card. I was devastated. He assured everyone that he wasn't going to drink anymore, but we've all seen him go down this path many times before.
Around March of this year, he got in more trouble. I don't know if he was using, because I wasn't living at home and my parents try to keep me out of it, but he got in trouble again for numerous minor violations (non drug related).
He was locked up as a result, and is currently locked up in the local jail.
So I guess the main point of all of this is, my family has been trying to help him forever. My parents' philosophy in helping him is to provide him a place to live, and some rides to places he needs to be. When he gets out of jail, he'll have been sober for a while (I dont even know when he gets out), and I feel like it is probably an opportunity for recovery.
What can I do (or not do), to lead my brother towards a sober, fulfilling life when he gets out of jail? Underneath the abrasive exterior, he's an amazing and truly generous person, and I miss him very much.
Thanks so much for reading.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There isn't much of anything you can do to help your brother, unfortunately. He did fine in the structured environment of rehab, so he knows what to do, but you can't make him willing to do it.
IF he were willing, he might do better in a sober living house, which is sort of like a halfway house where he would live with other recovering alcoholics and addicts. The rules at those places are pretty strict, though--you screw up, you're out, and then you're back to square one.
Your folks aren't necessarily doing him a favor by providing him with a place to live where he can do what he wants without any real responsibilities. I imagine this is all very hard on your parents.
Al-Anon would probably be very good for all of you. As for your brother, his recovery will be on his timetable.
IF he were willing, he might do better in a sober living house, which is sort of like a halfway house where he would live with other recovering alcoholics and addicts. The rules at those places are pretty strict, though--you screw up, you're out, and then you're back to square one.
Your folks aren't necessarily doing him a favor by providing him with a place to live where he can do what he wants without any real responsibilities. I imagine this is all very hard on your parents.
Al-Anon would probably be very good for all of you. As for your brother, his recovery will be on his timetable.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
What you can't do is cure or control your brother's disease. What you can do is not enable it. At 25 he is able to make his own choices. He has been through rehab, so he knows the options. It's hard to let the A make bad choices and head down a dark path, but that's what they need to do. If they make the choice, it's important that they live the consequence. I agree it's not healthy for your folks to give him a place to stay. He needs to figure it out for himself.
I had to detach from my brother. I love him, but can't be in his life as long as he's active in his addiction.
What you can do for your brother, and yourself, is start attending AlAnon. Get support from others who have been in your shoes. Learn to detach with love.
I had to detach from my brother. I love him, but can't be in his life as long as he's active in his addiction.
What you can do for your brother, and yourself, is start attending AlAnon. Get support from others who have been in your shoes. Learn to detach with love.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Anonook,
I am so sorry you are going through this. My father was an alcoholic and my brother is an active alcoholic who has experienced relief from his disease through an authentic program of recovery during short periods of his addiction. Out of 30 years of addiction he has been sober maybe 3 years total.
Growing up in an addictive and dysfunctional home I went on to marry a man who became an addict (cocaine) and divorced. Years later the love of my life was another alcoholic who careened between addiction and brief times of active recovery.
I have had over 50 years of personal experience of loving A's... it is devastating and you already experienced it can cause you physical and emotional harm with severe anxiety and fear.
My word to you is hope. There is always hope. For your brother. My XA (now drunk but close to his bottom AGAIN I hope). My brother. For each and every A and addict out there.
And, strangely helping them survive their poor choices does not usually help in the end. Learning how to set appropriate boundaries that protect us while being a light of hope to a struggling A is a difficult path... hence why we gather experience, strength and hope through this website, alanon meetings, excellent reading materials and books (see stickies on this website).
Your brother has to WANT to break up with alcohol forever and be willing to do whatever it takes and want sobriety more than his next breath. That willingness is elusive for the A... their love, their mistress is the booze and the thought of giving it up forever is not something they will consider (although making recovery noises known as "quacks" are quite common among clever A's).
Learn all you can about addiction, protect yourself, take care of yourself and trust that time is your friend. Turning over what we cannot change and learning to trust our HP is when we can move forward in a healthy way while keeping our A's in our prayers and thoughts.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My father was an alcoholic and my brother is an active alcoholic who has experienced relief from his disease through an authentic program of recovery during short periods of his addiction. Out of 30 years of addiction he has been sober maybe 3 years total.
Growing up in an addictive and dysfunctional home I went on to marry a man who became an addict (cocaine) and divorced. Years later the love of my life was another alcoholic who careened between addiction and brief times of active recovery.
I have had over 50 years of personal experience of loving A's... it is devastating and you already experienced it can cause you physical and emotional harm with severe anxiety and fear.
My word to you is hope. There is always hope. For your brother. My XA (now drunk but close to his bottom AGAIN I hope). My brother. For each and every A and addict out there.
And, strangely helping them survive their poor choices does not usually help in the end. Learning how to set appropriate boundaries that protect us while being a light of hope to a struggling A is a difficult path... hence why we gather experience, strength and hope through this website, alanon meetings, excellent reading materials and books (see stickies on this website).
Your brother has to WANT to break up with alcohol forever and be willing to do whatever it takes and want sobriety more than his next breath. That willingness is elusive for the A... their love, their mistress is the booze and the thought of giving it up forever is not something they will consider (although making recovery noises known as "quacks" are quite common among clever A's).
Learn all you can about addiction, protect yourself, take care of yourself and trust that time is your friend. Turning over what we cannot change and learning to trust our HP is when we can move forward in a healthy way while keeping our A's in our prayers and thoughts.
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