He cheated while in rehab

Old 08-09-2013, 12:18 PM
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He cheated while in rehab

This is my first thread post...

So here it is: I used to be addicted to meth/alcohol, I lived on the streets for 4 years and finally got clean in Sept. 2005. (Strangely, I am most proud of quitting smoking cigarettes in 2008).

I have been with an opiate addict for 4 years. He went to rehab 2 years ago, and while in rehab he had a relationship with a fellow addict who was married. I did not know about their relationship the entire time he was there. He would call everyday, send letters, etc. When he got out, he told me he had a 'friend' in rehab (with a smirk on his face, no less) and he cared about her and wanted to continue the friendship because he thought they could help each other stay sober.

Well, as time goes on I discover that they were more than friends, and had hooked up in rehab. Not via confession, but because i found notes they had written to each other.

Before finding out about the relationship, they both called me a psycho for accusing them of being more than friends. They talked or texted everyday, and I suspect they met up after rehab.

Now, whenever I ask him questions about what happened, the story changes. I know he is still hiding things about their relationship. I made him end the friendship (although I'm sure he didn't) and she has been in and out of jail since, and now lives in another state.

My bf and I have 3 kids, and he has been clean for a year, is working and enrolling in college. I just finished college, and will soon be earning 60K a year. Our lives have evolved, and he does everything to prove where he has been, etc. (he saves his time slips from work, stuff like that). He is good to his kids and helps me raise them. He helped me get through school, and is the only one earning money for our family at this point. If I say jump, he says...well you get it. He works hard to earn my trust back, and wants to get married. He proposed last Thanksgiving in front of my family with a nice ring. ~I wonder if he does all of this out of guilt? he hurt me not only by cheating, but with all the **** I dealt with through his drug addiction~

However, I'm still hurt and depressed. We were together for 2 years at that point, and he knew her for 45 days... At one point he left me for her. What was it about her that made it so easy to forget about me? I know he tries now to make things right, but what about the next crack ***** (she sucked guys off to make money for crack when her husband was in Afghanistan) that comes along? They only stopped talking because she went back to jail for burglary.

I thought that after a year, I would feel better, but I'm still depressed and feel worthless. I feel that he wishes I was her. He admits she was funnier and had a better butt than I do...I appreciate the honesty, but it doesn't help.

Most days I'm sad. I compare myself to other women and frequently feel suicidal. All I have are these kids and him. I have some friends, but they don't know the whole story- I'm too embarrassed to disclose. I'm embarrassed that I accepted his ****. I snap at my kids, feel unmotivated and stuck. I feel like I can't leave him because 1.) He's getting better: I'm hoping the clouds will part soon 2.) We have a family together

I'm wondering if anyone has been on the other side or in my situation, and how did it pan out? Should I put so much value on his relationship with her? Is it worth all this heartache?
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Old 08-09-2013, 12:26 PM
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Unhappy ...

Often I feel like drinking again. I will NEVER go back to meth, but this hurts all the time. He works in a restaurant with women everywhere, and I wonder that he won't hook up with someone again.

I started taking antidepressants a month ago, and it does not seem to help. I joined a gym and I run/walk for 30 minutes about 4 times a week...still does not help.

I definitely have abandonment issues, and I think that may be why this has lingered? It's the lying that bothers me more than what they did together. I know he is still lying (because the story changes all the time) and it feels like he still holds her in a secret place in his heart. Their experiences only belong to the two of them, and he will share them with no one.
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Old 08-09-2013, 01:44 PM
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Hi,
Do you have someone to talk to? Are there any counselors or therapists you could speak to? I think it might help, to have someone objective to help you sort all of this out. As you said, you two have a history and a family, he is clean, he sounds like he is trying. Only you know if you can forgive and let the past be the past, but you might be better able to figure this out with some help.

You are certainly not worthless - a mom, you quit addictions, and went to college - you sound strong and smart, and I hope you see that soon,
Best,
Nancy
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Old 08-09-2013, 01:54 PM
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He's been clean a year and seems on a good path.

But now let's talk about you. You can spend your life living in fear that he will cheat on you again, and spend your energy checking to see if that might happen. Or you can work on your fear issues and try to get past them and then decide if this relationship is right for either of you.

Sweetie, we cannot change the past, not one day of it, but we can decide how we would like to live today...and tomorrow...and then work on the issues that haunt us so that we can get past them and heal.

There are no guarantees in life, but if we live in regret of yesterday and fear of tomorrow, we lose all the joy in today.

I'm glad you joined us, welcome.
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Old 08-09-2013, 02:18 PM
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Hi Dura. I know all too well what you are feeling and going through. I was married for 8 years to my husband and we have a 7 year old little boy. We lived a life of hell together. We struggled everyday just to feed our son. We were both alcoholics, addicted to pain killers and what ever else came our way. He began dealing to make ends meet and thing just went from bad to worse. I used to think that I could not leave him because we were a family and were all we had. It took 8 years to finally reach my breaking point. I took our son and moved back to California. He followed 8 months later with promises that he had changed, that he was clean, that everything would be OK. He got here...and was exactly the same. Nothing had changed..in fact it was worse. The point is that after breaking up with him a couple friends came forward and let me know just how big of a piece of **** he was. Apparently he had been cheating on me with who ever he could (friends of ours). It cut me so deep. I took care of him...worked and he didn't blah blah. I couldn't believe that he could treat me like that when I loved him so much. I felt really lost and alone. It took me about a year after the break up to really get my self back to a healthy mental space. But I am so much better now. Two years have passed and I have graduated college with an AA, I'm healthy (except for the drinking, which is what I am working on now), but I am so much happier. It is hard sometimes. Thoughts slip in and make it hard to deal with life and everything that has happened (which is the root of my drinking), but...I know that even though I get sad sometimes thinking about the past I know that I was much worse off when I was with him. I know you have kids and feel like you "can't" leave him and abandon him, but if you're unhappy and feel like he doesn't want to be with you type of thing, then my advice is to take that leap and take care of yourself. He is not your responsibility, and most likely he is just staying with you because you enable him and take care of him. That's what I went through. So my advice is to really think about this and try to filter out thoughts about what truly makes you happy and then make that your main goal.
If you need someone to talk to about this I am here and you can private message me or whatever. It helps to talk to others who have been through this type of thing and are trying to heal as well. I know I still am.
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:58 PM
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Im so sorry to hear all that you are going through. My husband and I were separated for about a year when he was actively using, and he had an affair with a woman who used drugs and it went on for several months. I was pregnant at the time, so I understand somewhat your pain. Lots of lots of different emotions during that time for me. He ended that relationship, and months later went into rehab for his addiction. I had no idea in the beginning if we would be able to save our marriage after all that happened. But we were both committed to trying, and he was also committed to being clean.

One thing that helped me was private therapy; I was able to talk about all of my emotions, my anger, my sadness in a safe environment with someone who was trained to lead me through the process. Sometimes there is a bit of actual grieving involved, because there is a realization that what we had at one point was changed, the innocence or the belief nothing could ever come between us as a couple. But the good news is that sometimes a new relationship can be formed; with an even stronger foundation, and a deeper level of appreciation and respect.

Marriage counseling also helped us a lot. It helped us communicate, and walk through the pain of all that happened during his active addiction. And I had my own share of mistakes I made too; sharing these with him allowed me to heal. If your husband is open to this I would recommend it.

Journaling also helped me. Write out what hurts, and then define why it hurts. And then you can pinpoint what needs work. Maybe it is feeling insecure, or feeling afraid. Plus it helps to just get it all out.

My husband has been clean now for over 15 months. Our marriage is doing well. We have both learned a lot, and Im sure that will continue. I look back on the relationship he had and no, I don't think it was genuine. He was on drugs, and he was in a bad place emotionally. I think if you look at a rehab, you will see that it is also a very vulnerable place for people. Coming off drugs causes a lot of confusion, pain, and overwhelming feelings. As horrible as it sounds they were probably attracted to each other in that environment and thought they had some bond through their experience and the pain they felt. I don't think it even slightly compares to a relationship built over time, with stable emotions, and shared goals and dreams for the future. But I know it still hurts and betrayal cuts deep regardless of the cause.

Im glad you posted here, its a great place to express your feelings. Please don't ever feel embarrassed for what you have been through. Real life is messy.
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:24 PM
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Thank you for the replies- It's good to hear the outcomes of each situation. He tries SO hard to make things right, so I think its worth a shot..at least at this point.
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