What I Learned in Kindergarten Amost Killed Me
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Smiley, Tx
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What I Learned in Kindergarten Amost Killed Me
What I learned in Kindergarten almost got me killed. This is true.
I went to five-year old’s birthday party and her mom talked about God and church. God and I were good friends, already, but I had no concept of church. I went right home and asked to go to church.
It has taken me this long to realize that no amount of ‘churchin’ was going to save me. This is only my experience, but it is mine. I started looking for truth beyond the God of my own understanding when I was in Kindergarten. 50 years later my head had been filled up, tamped down and shook up, filled some more and tamped down some more until I had to quit. I gave up on church saving my little self and connecting me to God.
I know people like to think that all we need to know we really learned when we were in Kindergarten, but it’s just not true for me. Is it really true for you?
Perhaps it is. Stop reading, for heaven’s sake. I mean that. If church has been the salvation of your soul then quit. Go fix a casserole and take it to midweek potluck. (If it’s got tater tots, you can share the recipe with me, though.)
Since becoming a closet drunk, and trying to kill myself during a blackout one night, I have had the benefit of facing the dysfunctional life I was living. I survived all my numbing behavior and the life I live now is a privilege that I don't deserve. It should have been clear to me long ago that there was something amiss.
I could claim to be ‘reborn’, had a shelf of Biblical resources and Berean tools. I could quote scripture, write convincing self-effacing letters, talk systematic theology with the elders… and turn around and commit sins I preached against.
The harder I tried, the worse my life got
There was nothing to look forward to except heaven
I had no one to confide in
I couldn’t afford a counselor
I prayed to die
The message I heard in Kindergarten was false: God is in church. My life was careening out of control. I couldn’t control my emotions, my actions, my thoughts, my future. I didn’t believe in suicide, but when I was completely drunk, asphyxiation was my fall-back.
My faith, my thinking and my behaviors weren’t congruent. If anyone knew the real me, they'd hate me. I was sure of it. No amount of trying to control myself by the messages I heard at church was working. Knowledge of scripture, passionate praying, fasting, confession, nothing was able to fix me.
The message I got in church was deadly for me. It kept me thinking. It kept me in my head and worshiping the knowledge of God. It kept me from recognizing the feelings in my heart and listening to the God I already knew.
Before that cool Fall day of the Kindergarten party, I already knew my God. God and I had played house on remote islands of the Canadian boundary waters; in tents and outhouses; under my bed; and on back porches in the rain. But I stopped hearing Him and started listening to other people. I didn’t trust the God of my own understanding… not for many years. Eventually God got me to AA. AA got me back to God. I didn't learn that in Kindergarten.
I'm 6 years sober. I was a highly functional alcoholic who gave seminars on conflict and leadership. Following my own dysfunctional thinking nearly killed me.
I went to five-year old’s birthday party and her mom talked about God and church. God and I were good friends, already, but I had no concept of church. I went right home and asked to go to church.
It has taken me this long to realize that no amount of ‘churchin’ was going to save me. This is only my experience, but it is mine. I started looking for truth beyond the God of my own understanding when I was in Kindergarten. 50 years later my head had been filled up, tamped down and shook up, filled some more and tamped down some more until I had to quit. I gave up on church saving my little self and connecting me to God.
I know people like to think that all we need to know we really learned when we were in Kindergarten, but it’s just not true for me. Is it really true for you?
Perhaps it is. Stop reading, for heaven’s sake. I mean that. If church has been the salvation of your soul then quit. Go fix a casserole and take it to midweek potluck. (If it’s got tater tots, you can share the recipe with me, though.)
Since becoming a closet drunk, and trying to kill myself during a blackout one night, I have had the benefit of facing the dysfunctional life I was living. I survived all my numbing behavior and the life I live now is a privilege that I don't deserve. It should have been clear to me long ago that there was something amiss.
I could claim to be ‘reborn’, had a shelf of Biblical resources and Berean tools. I could quote scripture, write convincing self-effacing letters, talk systematic theology with the elders… and turn around and commit sins I preached against.
The harder I tried, the worse my life got
There was nothing to look forward to except heaven
I had no one to confide in
I couldn’t afford a counselor
I prayed to die
The message I heard in Kindergarten was false: God is in church. My life was careening out of control. I couldn’t control my emotions, my actions, my thoughts, my future. I didn’t believe in suicide, but when I was completely drunk, asphyxiation was my fall-back.
My faith, my thinking and my behaviors weren’t congruent. If anyone knew the real me, they'd hate me. I was sure of it. No amount of trying to control myself by the messages I heard at church was working. Knowledge of scripture, passionate praying, fasting, confession, nothing was able to fix me.
The message I got in church was deadly for me. It kept me thinking. It kept me in my head and worshiping the knowledge of God. It kept me from recognizing the feelings in my heart and listening to the God I already knew.
Before that cool Fall day of the Kindergarten party, I already knew my God. God and I had played house on remote islands of the Canadian boundary waters; in tents and outhouses; under my bed; and on back porches in the rain. But I stopped hearing Him and started listening to other people. I didn’t trust the God of my own understanding… not for many years. Eventually God got me to AA. AA got me back to God. I didn't learn that in Kindergarten.
I'm 6 years sober. I was a highly functional alcoholic who gave seminars on conflict and leadership. Following my own dysfunctional thinking nearly killed me.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Maybe you had it all right before you got to kindergarten 
Religion of any kind isn't in my experience but I do feel like I had it all right before I was 12 and started drinking. My philosophy on life has gone back to my pre drinking days and I feel alright with that. I feel like I spent the intervening years trying to fit into a mould that didn't fit me.
Religion of any kind isn't in my experience but I do feel like I had it all right before I was 12 and started drinking. My philosophy on life has gone back to my pre drinking days and I feel alright with that. I feel like I spent the intervening years trying to fit into a mould that didn't fit me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome jazzloonz 
I don't think it need to be either or.
We're not one person so there's not one answer, or one right way - instead there's a multitude of ways.
We try to go on mutual respect for differing beliefs here - it works out great for everyone
D
I don't think it need to be either or.
We're not one person so there's not one answer, or one right way - instead there's a multitude of ways.
We try to go on mutual respect for differing beliefs here - it works out great for everyone
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by BadCompany 
You don't find God in a building, a place or a book, you find God where the truth is being told.
And who is to tell me that I need to communicate THROUGH a man in black clothes in order to connect with God? God is with me every day, every moment, not just when I'm in a specific building or doing something specific.
I loved the part of your post about nature - I always feel closest to God in places that are naturally beautiful (lakes, mountains, forests, etc)
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