Jazzloonz

Is it only for others that we weep? Is it only for them that we rejoice?

I’ve been learning about the great chasm between self-centeredness and self-love. Though I’d been practicing self-centeredness to the extreme, I might not have been practicing self-love. I'd imagined that my Narcissistic tendencies were evidence of loving myself. Whoa. Where did I get that?

We're bombarded with a lot of messages that need to be examined, questioned, and even contested. I’d been hearing to love oneself means:

Pampering myself with massage, beauty shop visits and nail polish
Looking my best (seeking approval, self and others)
Diet and exercise (body focus again)
Liking my looks (competition and comparison reinforcement)
Dressing well, not being sloppy (labeled 'respecting myself')

If my self is my body, all of the above makes perfect sense. But it’s not! At least that’s what I believe. My self is not just the exterior. I’m still me if part of my body is gone. My body stops hosting me when the essence of the living me is no longer in the body. So my body is not the real me.

I always liked the concept of coming alongside and weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. What about me? Did I weep for me? Did I rejoice for me? Did I learn to feel the depths of sadness and the heights of joy?

Feeling joyful was acceptable as I grew up in the 50s and 60s. Feeling sad, no so much. That led to a disconnect with some of my more negative emotions.

We had one negative emotion that was acceptable: anger. It was fine to yell, throw things, slam doors, peel outta the driveway… But to express disappointment, loneliness, rejection, helplessness, abandonment, hurt, betrayal, insecurities, or to feel unloved, scared, helpless, humiliated, guilty, pressured, inadequate, defeated, trapped, hopeless, victimized, troubled … Nope. Not a good idea to go there in my family of origin.

So, I did what most children will do. I repressed those emotions — hid them from family, from friends and eventually from myself. I live in Southern Texas and leave the outside door open as long as possible in the mornings. Eventually, I close it against the humid oven-like temperatures and retreat to the inside air conditioning. I close it against the harmful effects of the glaring sun.

When the pain of glaring criticism got unmanageable, in my denial of my emotions I likewise turned to escapism and numbing and sanctimonious thinking. I tried to keep it all shut down. As a result, if I didn’t feel those negative emotions, then I couldn’t empathize with anyone else’s, either.

I think that’s an important consideration behind the exhortation to love others as we love ourselves. It is assumed that we first love ourselves, our real selves, not our bodies. I cannot effectively love you if I try to brush aside your tears with a coupon to a beauty shop or a diet book or a new pair of heels.

While any of those could be a loving gesture, they’re not love. While they are gifts, they are not the comfort of understanding and empathy. In fact, if I have the habit of spending money because I don’t know how to actually love my true self, then I can’t love you, either. I cannot come alongside, but only make superficial gestures.

When we weep, we don’t need casseroles or a trip to the mall. We need love. We all do. I’m going to get this. I am. I’m starting with my self. I cannot give that which I don’t have

alphaomega

Equisite.

Thank you.

Soberpotamus

Yes, somehow the expression of these emotions didn't go over so well in my family of origin either These were silenced most times, and so kept inside. That is what hurt me tremendously, in my development... and probably led to my own drinking on some levels.

Thanks for sharing this!

Nuudawn

Wonderful post. Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments.