EveningRose

Is it a safe bet this is common to many of us here?

I'm sure I posted about my nephew repaying his trip to NYC by calling me names and swearing at me, and my daughter and son making it clear they had no issue with his behavior.

My daughter has not spoken to me since.

I have a couple of friends who have advised me to just talk to her. Just explain how you feel. Why not write to her, one of them asked, just tell her how I feel?

This suggestion has always left me perplexed. Does this actually work for anyone in this world?? I realized why I see no point, ever, in telling anyone how I feel. As I've said here, I have a very clear memory of being at an inappropriate movie with my father at the age of 3 or 4. Piecing things together, my guess is that I told--and got branded a liar by my mother, which has affected my whole life. Through the years when I've told how I feel about anyone's behavior hurting me, I've been answered with, "Well, what did you do?" or "Well, maybe you shouldn't have done such and such," or "Well, you did something to make her want to hurt you," or....or....or....

I can remember, literally, only ONE time in my entire 40+ years--only one--in which my mother was too stumped to find a way to say it was really my fault.

Speaking of being set up for problems with our siblings (as per the other thread), I can remember years of trying to do homework, and having my much younger sister constantly push open the door, make little sounds, toss things in the room at me, etc., etc. When I told my parents, "I'm trying to study, this is really a problem," the answer was.....to look at me sadly as if I'm an ogre, and say, "But she's just a little girl!" Or, "Why do you have to get mad at a little girl?" Or, "Can't you ignore it? She's just a little girl."

My daughter has now spent the last 4-5 years continuing to visit my parents and siblings, continuing to drink the Kool-Aid that the real problems are me. Sadly, I see no point in telling her how I feel. Besides which, I already made it clear how I feel about having a kindness repaid with name-calling. The problem, in alcoholic families, is not lack of communication. It's brainwashing and that in many instances, perceptions are far too skewed for anyone to believe there's a reason to feel that way, or to care.

Today is a day where I once again feel hopeless and that being born into an alcoholic family is a death sentence of sorts, with no hope of ever having healthy relationships...as I wonder if I'll ever see the point in telling someone how I feel.

DavidG

Hmmm... one big thing for me is our oldest daughters kids, aged 5,8 and 10. They are not dysfunctional... but there is always a goody-good, a naughty one and an invisible one. Its interesting to see how this switches around from time to time... ...and from me as a grandparent sometimes I put my shoulder down and put a bit of subtle influence into the six.

But the cast-iron roles in my own FOO are a completely different thing. It seems almost impossible to squeeze out of the role assigned to me. A visit this week to a much loved cousin may put in a bit of influence, long term. Cousins have their own stuff [!!!!] but on the sideways line are for more neutral.

I find it far easier to share and express emotion inside of ACA... a great training ground. If I see even a little ***** of opportunity inside of my family- I might be able to shed a little light there... Who knows?

A great share, Rose, inspiring...



-DavidG.

DesertEyes

Don't know about anybody else, but it is true for me.

Sometimes. If both people are emotionally healthy, and the perceived wounds are not to deep. It can work.

Oh yes, that is the foundation of ACoA and of most forms of therapy for us "kids".

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down. My experience, over the last 40 years, is that _most_ ACoA's do recover and build happy, healthy lives for themselves. Well, let me qualify that, the ones that go into some form of recovery.

There's a _lot_ of people that I don't trust with my feelings. There are also a lot of other people that I have slowly tested and found trustworthy. They get to hear my feelings whenever I need to, and I hear theirs. These are my friends, some of them come from "normal" families, and others have been thru recovery for their own issues and are now non-dysfunctional... or at least mostly so

What works for me is to not think in absolutes. Whenever I find myself saying "never" I change that to "today". Tomorrow will be different, if I work my program today.

Mike

EveningRose

Thank you, Mike, for the great advice and the encouragement. It's a good reminder that not everyone is equipped to hear feelings, anyway.

tromboneliness

If you mean "writing instead of talking face-to-face," yes, it does. That's how my wife and I tend to communicate (that is, how I communicate my feelings to her) about... pretty much any relatively serious matter we might have.

When I do that, nobody gets defensive, no voices are raised, and it pretty much always turns out to be... no big deal in the end! That's because I can lay out the whole thing from here at my desk, explain what I think the issue is, but then say what I want to do about it, and conclude with the fact that it really isn't that huge a problem, just one of those things.

Why do I have to do this? I think it's because my wife seems terrified to hear any kind of "bad news," ever. Her FOO was characterized by so much shouting, belittling, and general boy-do-you-suck type stuff, that she's easily triggered -- as I've told you guys before, I have to be very careful about such a routine thing as opening an envelope, because in her household, the opening of an envelope was generally followed by shouting and accusations (related to money, for the most part).

Oh -- and I communicate the written note on paper, not e-mail. I write it here at my desk, send it to the printer, take it over, and say, "Read this. It is no big deal, but read this, so you'll know what I'm thinking."

The subtext always has to be, "It's no big deal -- the world is not coming to an end, we are not splitting up, and you are not a big idiot. I just wanted to you know some stuff, is all."

With your kids, that's probably not going to work -- they're going to think you're a dumb-ol' hypersensitive so-and-so, over what your nephew did. But hey, they're teenagers and know everything, so what do you expect? :-D

T

NWGRITS

My husband and I also correspond via letters to each other. I get wound up too easily, and he grew up in a home where dad was the dictator and everything hubby did was wrong or stupid. We don't do well at in-the-moment communication-- especially if it's over something like money. I don't imagine that would work with kids, though. Hmmm...

But you're definitely not alone! I can go and tell my feelings to someone and still feel guilty for having my feelings and my pain validated. My therapist is earning his paycheck one 50-minute session at a time. I really think I'm one of the worst cases he's ever seen. No physical abuse in my home growing up, but the mental and emotional anguish was there in spades. The brainwashing, guilt trips, constant belittling and name calling. Being told I was a waste and that her life would have been better had I never been born. This is raw, powerful stuff here. Our kids won't ever truly understand it, but I know it will take time for them to see the truth. I like to remain optimistic that they will come back to you.

irisgardens

I always knew that I was 'different' from the other 3 siblings...clearly from the time I was 14...it was the body language, the tone of voice, etc. I have played all the roles...hero when she was down and out and had NOONE else, scapegoat, lost child, clown, etc. She did not tell her truth verbally until Dad died...but since then...has told me I was 'different', that I am majorly mentally ill and need major medical attention (been there done that after my child died 23 years ago...which led to my own work on my own recovery)...and the kids are the same...bought into the crazy thing over the past year...as I was supporting my hubby to recovery from bankruptcy, losing our house and starting over. My HP, who I call God, is full of blessings. My FOO and now, two of my five, immediate family...are not. They turn on me when I have nothing left to give...and I have given mightily and generously...time, talents, money. Where there is alcohol...there is confusion, pain, and bafflement. I just try to keep on going...and on days like today, where it was too much to handle the exhaustion...I rest, take a nap, and come here. God Bless all.

SLady

My daughter is the same. No matter how rude her friends are, I cannot say anything embarassing or rude to her friends in front of her. If I were to do that, she will never speak to me again. So when her friends turn up at our house, I make myself scarce and leave them to it.

Perhaps what you can do is send your daughter a 'thinking of you' or 'missing you' card and see how she responds. If you get a chance to meet her again, it is best not to discuss your FOO issues with her.

I am quite close to my daughter, her teenage years were a nightmare, but now, I can talk to her on any subject at a deep level, we are very similar in that way. We both agree that my ACOA husband can have extreme views on some topics, ie black and white thinking.

With regards to brainwashing, I have the same issue with my husband's family, not the alcoholic side but relatives on his mother's side. They're into occult / witchcraft / spiritualism / satanism. Although not deeply religious, I am a woman of faith and I believe in God.

One of them in particular, is trying to get close to my daughter, with the purpose of trying to brainwash my daughter with her spiritualism/occult because she tried that before with me and I told her off.

When my daughter was very young, one of them did a reading on my daughter and told her that when she grew up, she will want to leave home asap, the implication was she will hate her family so much that she want to leave. When I heard that I was so angry, I ticked her off.

There are so many weird/strange things that happened in my home all these years which I cannot find any scientific explanation to them. All of us especially my daughter have the same kind of frightening nightmares, evil entities attacking us in our dreams, far too often. I dont think thats normal.
With my daughter it is always the same - an evil entity in our house that tried to attacked her and my daughter will try to get out of our house to get away from this entity.

I always pray that God will protect my family from evil and my husband's family.