Daughter Of An Alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 4
Daughter Of An Alcoholic
Hello everyone...
I'm not sure if I'm writing this in the correct place but here goes...
I am sixteen years old and up until I was 10 my parents were married. My childhood is remembered with policemen coming to arrest my father for being abusive. I also remember helping my father when we was drunk aka to pick things up. It's difficult to state when
he became an alcoholic but he always drank beer in the kitchen. He'd say he was giving up but my
mum
would find secret bottles. He used to keep up awake at night by playing loud music. He would also wake the whole house up. He'd often say he was going to the betting shop and come back absolutely stoned. He'd also take me and my brother into pubs on the way to singing lessons.
That being said, before this he was an ok dad, he would look after me when I was bullied and could have a drink and handle it. I guess it just escalated. In 2007 his father died and although he seemed to
cope his drinking got a LOT worse.
My mum would shout at my dad to
stop drinking and my dad would shout at her to stop shouting. It was a no win situation.
At the moment I live with my mum
and brother whilst my father lives in a flat. We do not see him regulary and after the divorce were only allowed Supervised Contact. At the last one he didn't turn up and I can't explain in words how let down I was.
We started weekly phone calls which were ok. He was never truly sober. We could sometimes have a decent chat. Every week we'd wonder what version of him we'd get. Would it be the 'absolutely stoned, can't talk anout anything decent' or the 'abuse' phone call where he'd say all I was going to be was an alcoholic like him.
I'm not stupid, he is dying. The only reason why I contact him is because I know he could die any second. I will feel guilty when He dies but at least I'll know I tried my best. Apparently he's been getting ambulances around. Oh, he's also been barred out of numerous pubs.
He used to write lovely letters but now sends blank cards. Anyone know what this means? Is it some psychopath game?
Even though he doesn't live here he still makes me feel depressed. I feel like the worst person alive because I can't stop my father killing himself. I also feel angry that he's done this. I see it on TV shows, alcoholics going to rehab, why can't he? Because life isn't a TV show, that's why.
I always have this hope that one day he'll call and say 'I'm going to sort my life out' but 99% I know that'll never happen. He's too far gone. You shouldn'tbe thinking about your dad dying when you're 16,
you should be focusing on exams and having fun. Not me.
I have decided to never drink alcohol. No, I don't hate people who get drunk, I understand it's 'fun' to them. But seeing how much pain my father has caused to me and my family... I just couldn't face it. I don't want to become an addict. My greatest fear is ending up like my father.
This may sound stupid but there's
this one song by Taylor Swift that sums up my situation and it's called Dear John. It has lines like 'You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain', 'Wondering which version of you I mighy get on the phone tonight,' 'You are an expert at sorry'. It helps in a strange way to know other people have felt exactly like you have.
Sorry if this seems like rambling... I'm just wondering if this sounds familar to any of you... please get in touch if it does.
Thanks.
I'm not sure if I'm writing this in the correct place but here goes...
I am sixteen years old and up until I was 10 my parents were married. My childhood is remembered with policemen coming to arrest my father for being abusive. I also remember helping my father when we was drunk aka to pick things up. It's difficult to state when
he became an alcoholic but he always drank beer in the kitchen. He'd say he was giving up but my
mum
would find secret bottles. He used to keep up awake at night by playing loud music. He would also wake the whole house up. He'd often say he was going to the betting shop and come back absolutely stoned. He'd also take me and my brother into pubs on the way to singing lessons.
That being said, before this he was an ok dad, he would look after me when I was bullied and could have a drink and handle it. I guess it just escalated. In 2007 his father died and although he seemed to
cope his drinking got a LOT worse.
My mum would shout at my dad to
stop drinking and my dad would shout at her to stop shouting. It was a no win situation.
At the moment I live with my mum
and brother whilst my father lives in a flat. We do not see him regulary and after the divorce were only allowed Supervised Contact. At the last one he didn't turn up and I can't explain in words how let down I was.
We started weekly phone calls which were ok. He was never truly sober. We could sometimes have a decent chat. Every week we'd wonder what version of him we'd get. Would it be the 'absolutely stoned, can't talk anout anything decent' or the 'abuse' phone call where he'd say all I was going to be was an alcoholic like him.
I'm not stupid, he is dying. The only reason why I contact him is because I know he could die any second. I will feel guilty when He dies but at least I'll know I tried my best. Apparently he's been getting ambulances around. Oh, he's also been barred out of numerous pubs.
He used to write lovely letters but now sends blank cards. Anyone know what this means? Is it some psychopath game?
Even though he doesn't live here he still makes me feel depressed. I feel like the worst person alive because I can't stop my father killing himself. I also feel angry that he's done this. I see it on TV shows, alcoholics going to rehab, why can't he? Because life isn't a TV show, that's why.
I always have this hope that one day he'll call and say 'I'm going to sort my life out' but 99% I know that'll never happen. He's too far gone. You shouldn'tbe thinking about your dad dying when you're 16,
you should be focusing on exams and having fun. Not me.
I have decided to never drink alcohol. No, I don't hate people who get drunk, I understand it's 'fun' to them. But seeing how much pain my father has caused to me and my family... I just couldn't face it. I don't want to become an addict. My greatest fear is ending up like my father.
This may sound stupid but there's
this one song by Taylor Swift that sums up my situation and it's called Dear John. It has lines like 'You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain', 'Wondering which version of you I mighy get on the phone tonight,' 'You are an expert at sorry'. It helps in a strange way to know other people have felt exactly like you have.
Sorry if this seems like rambling... I'm just wondering if this sounds familar to any of you... please get in touch if it does.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
Sweetie! I could write a very similar story. I am the adult child of an alcoholic, and married a wonderful man who is an alcoholic too.
My father was a great man, but drinking made him indifferent, aggressive and cruel at times. My husband is just useless when he drinks. USELESS.
I like my wine, I liked to drink once in a while. Now looking back I realize I did this to maybe deal with my husband or join him so life would be a tad more interesting. Very typical codie behavior. Now that he is away at rehab, I don't miss the activity of drinking and see absolutely no need for it at all.
I think to understand all the issues associated with alcohol and your father at such a young age is just preparing you for great things later on.
Have you looked for an ala-teen group in your area? You will find you are not alone!
My father was a great man, but drinking made him indifferent, aggressive and cruel at times. My husband is just useless when he drinks. USELESS.
I like my wine, I liked to drink once in a while. Now looking back I realize I did this to maybe deal with my husband or join him so life would be a tad more interesting. Very typical codie behavior. Now that he is away at rehab, I don't miss the activity of drinking and see absolutely no need for it at all.
I think to understand all the issues associated with alcohol and your father at such a young age is just preparing you for great things later on.
Have you looked for an ala-teen group in your area? You will find you are not alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 4
Thank You
Hello
Thank you very much for the reply.
I'm sorry to hear that. I understand exactly what it's like to live with an alcoholic.
It's sort of the same
thing. In the rare childhood moments when he was sober or nearly sober he would play with us, help with homework etc
My mum
says she was the same. I remember my mum
asking for some beer but she never got drunk and kept to the limits. She says she stopped drinking heavily when she became pregnant with my brother (two years before me.)
She said she drank because 1. it was there and 2. she was depressed.
I have often asked my mum if she misses drinking and she says, actually, no.
I suppose it's good he's gone to rehab, at least making an effort to sort his life out. There is a rehab near us yet my dad still won't go.
If he made the decision to go I would support him.
I suppose so. I know it's going to be hard and I will never fully get over the death of my dad. I also think it's sad that any possible grandchildren will have no granddad.
I will try and look for one and see to attend.
Thanks again for the reply, it reay means a lot to me
Thanks
Thank you very much for the reply.
I'm sorry to hear that. I understand exactly what it's like to live with an alcoholic.
It's sort of the same
thing. In the rare childhood moments when he was sober or nearly sober he would play with us, help with homework etc
My mum
says she was the same. I remember my mum
asking for some beer but she never got drunk and kept to the limits. She says she stopped drinking heavily when she became pregnant with my brother (two years before me.)
She said she drank because 1. it was there and 2. she was depressed.
I have often asked my mum if she misses drinking and she says, actually, no.
I suppose it's good he's gone to rehab, at least making an effort to sort his life out. There is a rehab near us yet my dad still won't go.
If he made the decision to go I would support him.
I suppose so. I know it's going to be hard and I will never fully get over the death of my dad. I also think it's sad that any possible grandchildren will have no granddad.
I will try and look for one and see to attend.
Thanks again for the reply, it reay means a lot to me
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Your story is very familiar to me. My mother is an alcoholic, and though my parents never separated I often wished they would.
The most important thing I can tell you right now is that none of this is your fault. There is nothing you could do or could have done to change, help or fix your father or make him behave differently. You do not Cause him to drink, you cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking. Around here we call those the three C's, and they are vital to having a fulfilling life despite your father's alcoholism.
I know it seems like if you could just do or say the right thing you could save your dad, but he is in the grip of something far greater than himself, or you, and it is up to him to decide to fight it.
Thank you for posting. I wish there had been a forum for me when I was sixteen!
The most important thing I can tell you right now is that none of this is your fault. There is nothing you could do or could have done to change, help or fix your father or make him behave differently. You do not Cause him to drink, you cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking. Around here we call those the three C's, and they are vital to having a fulfilling life despite your father's alcoholism.
I know it seems like if you could just do or say the right thing you could save your dad, but he is in the grip of something far greater than himself, or you, and it is up to him to decide to fight it.
Thank you for posting. I wish there had been a forum for me when I was sixteen!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 12
Hi blueswift
I'm sad to hear you are going through this.
My mother has been an alcoholic all my life.
She has let me down countless times, I have spent much of my life anxious, worried, over responsible and full of guilt. I have thought 'if I was better/more loveable/more exciting etcetc maybe she wouldn't drink'. I've asked myself, why am I not enough?
I have tried to make excuses for her addiction, lied about it, covered for it.
In primary 6, I even lied and said she was dead. She may as well have been, I don't know where she was and she probably didn't either. I think the fact she chose to leave us for alcohol was too hard to cope with. In death, that isn't often a choice I suppose. Anyway, you get the idea, I was clearly not very balanced at that time.
She has said sorry many, many times, but i dont think she isn't - not really. Those are just words she says in order to get her to her next drink.
The lies, wow the lies she has told about seemingly ridiculous things are incredible. I have previously pulled the rug from her, yelled that I know you are lying, expected explanations which are never forthcoming.
She has ruined many family events through her behaviour when drunk.
I used to never have friends round for fear of how she would be.
Like you mention, you never know what version you are going to get and what card she will throw at you.
I am now 30, but at 16 I contacted and went to ala-teen, and found that very helpful. I felt I had sort of mourned her, or mourned all the missed opportunities she has had. I felt happy with my life and realised that I couldn't help her, but I could help me. I achieved the things I wanted without her/despite her.
Then I had my own children and the upset of my own childhood came to the fore. I could not comprehend the things she had done to my sister and I, and cradling my own precious babies I felt fiercely protective and very angry and upset.
I let her into our lives, hoping that if I gave her positive experiences and allowed her to share in the joys that children bring, then maybe that would be enough.
It isn't.
Yet again, after many similar situations of let downs, she started letting my kids down too.
I'm going back to al anon meetings and I'm stepping back.
I can no longer punish myself for her addiction.
I did not cause her addiction.
You did not cause your father's addiction.
I also worry about my mum and the call I will get one day. I dread that day. But I cannot rescue her. I love her, but I cannot shoulder the responsibility of her addiction. I love her and have to let her go.
And then hope.
I hope so much that one day she will want to get well. I know that even if she does, that doesn't mean everything will be better. But it is dreadful to watch someone kill themselves though alcoholism.
I'm sorry this is so long and I haven't any solutions to offer. But you are not alone. Is is not your fault. You are a loving and caring daughter. You deserve happiness and you deserve to enjoy growing up.
I'm rooting for you, and for your dad too. Xxx
I'm sad to hear you are going through this.
My mother has been an alcoholic all my life.
She has let me down countless times, I have spent much of my life anxious, worried, over responsible and full of guilt. I have thought 'if I was better/more loveable/more exciting etcetc maybe she wouldn't drink'. I've asked myself, why am I not enough?
I have tried to make excuses for her addiction, lied about it, covered for it.
In primary 6, I even lied and said she was dead. She may as well have been, I don't know where she was and she probably didn't either. I think the fact she chose to leave us for alcohol was too hard to cope with. In death, that isn't often a choice I suppose. Anyway, you get the idea, I was clearly not very balanced at that time.
She has said sorry many, many times, but i dont think she isn't - not really. Those are just words she says in order to get her to her next drink.
The lies, wow the lies she has told about seemingly ridiculous things are incredible. I have previously pulled the rug from her, yelled that I know you are lying, expected explanations which are never forthcoming.
She has ruined many family events through her behaviour when drunk.
I used to never have friends round for fear of how she would be.
Like you mention, you never know what version you are going to get and what card she will throw at you.
I am now 30, but at 16 I contacted and went to ala-teen, and found that very helpful. I felt I had sort of mourned her, or mourned all the missed opportunities she has had. I felt happy with my life and realised that I couldn't help her, but I could help me. I achieved the things I wanted without her/despite her.
Then I had my own children and the upset of my own childhood came to the fore. I could not comprehend the things she had done to my sister and I, and cradling my own precious babies I felt fiercely protective and very angry and upset.
I let her into our lives, hoping that if I gave her positive experiences and allowed her to share in the joys that children bring, then maybe that would be enough.
It isn't.
Yet again, after many similar situations of let downs, she started letting my kids down too.
I'm going back to al anon meetings and I'm stepping back.
I can no longer punish myself for her addiction.
I did not cause her addiction.
You did not cause your father's addiction.
I also worry about my mum and the call I will get one day. I dread that day. But I cannot rescue her. I love her, but I cannot shoulder the responsibility of her addiction. I love her and have to let her go.
And then hope.
I hope so much that one day she will want to get well. I know that even if she does, that doesn't mean everything will be better. But it is dreadful to watch someone kill themselves though alcoholism.
I'm sorry this is so long and I haven't any solutions to offer. But you are not alone. Is is not your fault. You are a loving and caring daughter. You deserve happiness and you deserve to enjoy growing up.
I'm rooting for you, and for your dad too. Xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 4
In Reply to SparkleKitty
I'm sorry to hear your mother is an alcoholic. I understand how awful it is. At times I felt depressed because really all I've ever wanted was a loving family with a normal dad that is kind etc but I realised I'm not going to get that. I understand why my parents divorced and I have accepted it even though at times I felt it was my fault. I thought my dad moving out would make it better but it didn't. Infact it's a bit worse because we have no idea what he's doing.
Thanks for saying that. I often blame myself for him turning to alcohol. He has often blamed me too.
No problem, if you ever need any support I will be here to listen
Thanks for saying that. I often blame myself for him turning to alcohol. He has often blamed me too.
No problem, if you ever need any support I will be here to listen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 4
In reply to bluebird19
Thank you very much for replying, it means a lot to me.
I'm sorry to hear your mother is an alcoholic.
I understand the 'let down' feeling. I have thought those things. Like what I could've done to stop him doing this etc
I understand my dad must be feeling depressed but there is a time when you need to stand up and say 'Actually, I need help.' I'm sorry to hear she left you for alcohol. You seem like a really nice person with a beautiful personality and she should feel lucky tohave someone like you in her life.
My dad rarely says sorry. He apologises for some things but now I think
'You're not sorry'. It'd be easy for me to forgive and forgive etc but now I realise he isn't and probably never will be sorry. My dad is a massive liar. The paranoia sat in with his drink and he believed my mum was having an affair with all the male neighbours which she definately wasn't. I understand the family behaviour thing. On one of my brother's first day of high school he turned up drunk to pick her up and started an argument with one of the nice teacher's. This caused his friends to bully him.
I hope to go to uni and prove my dad wrong by being successful in the media or film business. I would rather do anything than become an alcoholic.
I have often wondered what I would do if, miraculously, my dad was here to see the birth of my brother's or my children. All my grandparents died, the last one being in 2007 and we have no contact with aunts etc. We email his younger brother a bit. I would not like my kids to have no family around them. But I would never leave him alone with them. I'm unsure atm
I dread the day of the police coming around saying he is dead. I have no idea how I will cope.
Thank you so much for writing that, I don't mind if it was long. Reading all these similar situations make you feel less somewhat alone. I keep trying to believe it is not my fault.
Thank you for taking the time to write this xx
I'm sorry to hear your mother is an alcoholic.
I understand the 'let down' feeling. I have thought those things. Like what I could've done to stop him doing this etc
I understand my dad must be feeling depressed but there is a time when you need to stand up and say 'Actually, I need help.' I'm sorry to hear she left you for alcohol. You seem like a really nice person with a beautiful personality and she should feel lucky tohave someone like you in her life.
My dad rarely says sorry. He apologises for some things but now I think
'You're not sorry'. It'd be easy for me to forgive and forgive etc but now I realise he isn't and probably never will be sorry. My dad is a massive liar. The paranoia sat in with his drink and he believed my mum was having an affair with all the male neighbours which she definately wasn't. I understand the family behaviour thing. On one of my brother's first day of high school he turned up drunk to pick her up and started an argument with one of the nice teacher's. This caused his friends to bully him.
I hope to go to uni and prove my dad wrong by being successful in the media or film business. I would rather do anything than become an alcoholic.
I have often wondered what I would do if, miraculously, my dad was here to see the birth of my brother's or my children. All my grandparents died, the last one being in 2007 and we have no contact with aunts etc. We email his younger brother a bit. I would not like my kids to have no family around them. But I would never leave him alone with them. I'm unsure atm
I dread the day of the police coming around saying he is dead. I have no idea how I will cope.
Thank you so much for writing that, I don't mind if it was long. Reading all these similar situations make you feel less somewhat alone. I keep trying to believe it is not my fault.
Thank you for taking the time to write this xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 12
This is absolutely not your fault.
Ironically, I am now a teacher and I specialised in emotional difficulties, working with children and young people often with addicted parents - there's the classic rescuer within me.
I sometimes, when having these unhelpful and self destructive thoughts and blame, think about the little me, and then picture me as an adult next to little me. I think, what would I say to the little me as an adult now? I've no idea if that makes sense :-/
Currently, I've taken a step back and I am not in contact with mum just now. Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. For me, just now, being in contact with her is too difficult. I cannot continue to shoulder responsibility for her addiction. I'm a mum to my own kids first of all and I need to concentrate on them. Actually on me too, for once.
Keep in mind the three Cs.
Huge hugs. Xxx
Ironically, I am now a teacher and I specialised in emotional difficulties, working with children and young people often with addicted parents - there's the classic rescuer within me.
I sometimes, when having these unhelpful and self destructive thoughts and blame, think about the little me, and then picture me as an adult next to little me. I think, what would I say to the little me as an adult now? I've no idea if that makes sense :-/
Currently, I've taken a step back and I am not in contact with mum just now. Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. For me, just now, being in contact with her is too difficult. I cannot continue to shoulder responsibility for her addiction. I'm a mum to my own kids first of all and I need to concentrate on them. Actually on me too, for once.
Keep in mind the three Cs.
Huge hugs. Xxx
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