just venting

Old 05-26-2004, 04:58 AM
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Location: TACOMA WA
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Angry just venting

!!!!urgh!!!!!

I just don't know how much more I can take. How can I sort through all these feelings of anger, frustration, rejection, lonilness, and hurt. My A took off last night to the casino (like he needs another addiction now right!), just came home at 4:30 am and leaves me a note. Went back to the casino with Joe. Who's he kidding?! Joe is his using buddy. They get a motel and get high all night, or day. Does he think he's fooling me? Should I believe him when he keeps telling me that he's going to get help? I don't want to leave, yet feel like he's pushing me away. He was clean when I met him. I MISS the old person I fell in love with. I don't understand the lure of the coke. I've never been there. How do I just keep going and hanging in there? Sometimes I just get so tired of feeling this confused, I just want to give up on him, but my heart just won't let go. I just want to knock some sense into him. I hate feeling this way.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Lisa
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Old 05-26-2004, 06:45 AM
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Vent all you want, you certainly deserve too. They just don't get it. I totally understand what you are going thru. My AH just started "working" with his using buddy again. (his DOC is also coke and they would do the hotel thing too). He tells me he's not going to use again but he's already drinking again, trying to do it "socially" (I know it CANNOT be done), so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before the drinking leads back to the coke.

Think of it this way....you miss the old person he was before he used. If he's not clean, he's not THAT person anymore. Figure out what you want for YOURSELF and what sort of behavior you will and will not accept from him.

It's hard, because we grieve for the "old" them. Somehow we can see what is coming but their heads are too clouded - it's like they walk around with blinders on or something - they can only see 5 seconds ahead of them and cannot see anything else.

I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you, but I'm still new to all this and going thru the same stuff you are. Just know that you're not alone - someone here will always feel your pain! Good luck and stay strong!
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Old 05-26-2004, 07:06 AM
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The best relief I have found is to read Alanon literature, and focus on my recovery. The fact is that they are alcoholics and addicts. Even if they get sober there is no gauranty that they will be able to stay sober. The program helps us to learn to deal with the fact that we are powerless over this, and that we must start taking care of ourself. It is frustrating to see the devestation alcoholism causes the ones we love, and that our lives are affected by it. But we can do them no good if we are going down with them. The only person I can get better is me. Hopefully, by living this example, others will want that too. Letting go of the idea that we have any control over the disease of alcoholism doesn't mean we give up hope. It means we become honest with ourself that we are not doing them or ourselves any good by obsessing on it. Relief comes in time. I have found that meetings and new relationships with people in the meetings has helped me. I was ready to feel better, and if that meant trying something new, I would. Alanon teaches us to love ourself, and to take responsibility for our own happiness. It's not easy, but neither was living the way I was living. I pray you will find the serenity that you desire. Hugs, Magic
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