ChillGal

Well the meeting thing is coming up again and I just don't want to go!! I feel that because my husband hasn't been drinking and is "working his program" really well that I am the one who is doing everything wrong. I was talking to him about the last meeting I went to and how I felt that they were pushing me to do the steps before I even knew what it was all about. He says find another meeting that you are comfortable with. It is so hard to walk in that door by myself. I tried to explain to him. When he first went to AA that there was always some one there calling him to go and meeting him for a coffee before. He didn't have to do it all by himself. Usually around here if anyone is there the most is 4 or 5 people. They seem to welcome you but I hate people putting me in the spotlight. I guess I have to learn to say "Just let me watch". The meeting is not for another 12 hours and I have been getting anxious about it since last night. Sometimes I just want to say the heck with it and just go on the way I am. I just don't know how I can keep doing it. Does it get any easier? I want to understand but I feel guilty about not feeling good about it.

journeygal

(((((((((Chill)))))))))

It will get easier. Please don't give up on going. It is perfectly ok to sit there and just listen. You don't have to say a word and no one should be pushing you to say or do anything. If you feel that uncomfortable, then yes, try to find another meeting.

The reason I'm pushing this is b/c codies very often isolate themselves. Sure, you can keep going on the way you are, but you probably aren't very happy. It will get easier being around people, and the more you get out, the better things will be for you down the road.

Hang in there and find something to keep you busy till meeting time.

Hugs,
JG

lrochte

Hi Chillgal,
I also am just starting the meetings. I understand the anxiety of just going. I have to make myself get up and go. I am a codie that did isloate myself for the first few months of my A relapse. I was going crazy. Even if I don't talk at the meetings, they at least help me not to feel so alone. Maybe the meeting your attendings isn't right for you, keep looking and going. It does get easier to go. Good luck

Lisa

McKrazy

You know, chill, I went for just a couple of months and grabbed myself a sponsor. It's pretty cool, because I meet with her when it works for our schedules, and it's like talking to someone from here "with skin"! I can vent, and ask questions, and cry, and hear her story and know she's been "there" a lot longer than me and can share her wisdom. We do talk the steps, but I've told her that I'm in the slow and steady mode and don't want to feel pushed. She totally respects my boundaries. Keep trying and find where you fit! It'll be worth it. Take care!!!! Don't despair!

dax

Sooner or later you will find someone you can relate to. In my opinion only. for alanons I don't think you have to make a big production of working the steps. aDon't let anyone push stuff on you you don't want to do- it will make you resentful. By just lisening you can learn a lot. At the alanon meeting here, you can nev er get a chance to speak-really many old timers sharing-which is good for a beginner. dax

vikster

Chillgal,

I recently attended my first meeting and really didn't feel very comfortable either. I think the Al-Anon suggestion is to attend 6 meetings before making a decision if it is right for you, so I'm going to keep trying. I know I need some help and I keep reminding myself that if my AH can make it to meetings every day in his recovery, then I owe it to myself to work on my own sanity...even if it is not very easy.

Hang in there...

ChillGal

Thanks for all the support. I am going tonight. I could have gone last night but it would have been yet another "new" place so I decided to stick with the uncomfortable one that I know. It really helps to know there are others out there thinking the same as me. I really like the way you put it Vikster about if your AH can make it to his meetings I guess we do owe it to ourselves. This will be my 3rd one and in the back of my mind I am counting to 6. Hope I can keep counting after that. Thanks again.

vikster

I hope tonight is a much better experience for you! You are showing more strength of character than I am at the moment. The meeting I've been told might be better is at a very awkward time for me right now and so I haven't been to another meeting after my first. Sounds like a lame excuse, doesn't it? But I will do it! You will give me the courage to go to a meeting even if it isn't the one I've been trying to get to. And we really do both owe it to ourselves.

Good luck tonight.

ChillGal

Well so much for courage. The meeting is in 1/2 hour and I am not going. Just the thought of walking through the door and having total strangers hugging me makes me cringe. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow but right now i know I just can't and it makes me feel guilty for not.

Gabe

Chillgal,
Alanon is a very loving bunch, but I don't think you need to worry about being hugged if you're not comfortable with that. People will try to make you feel welcome. The hugs come later, if that's your thing.
The best part of being at an Alanon meeting is the feeling of being around people who understand what you're going through.
If tonight's not the night, that's okay. Maybe the next time, yeah?
Gabe

ChillGal

I guess what I am really feeling is humiliation. Even if people have been through the same thing I still don't want anyone to know it. My husband would like me to socialize with AA friends. When I know he has talked about everything he has done to me, I feel humiliated. I feel people are thinking how stupid and weak I was to put up with things he has done. How do you socialize with people when you don't feel like a person around them? I guess even at the meetings or here to really tell all just makes me feel humiliated. If I can keep it hidden then I guess it seems like it didn't really happen. Ech!

Gabe

Chillgal,
The beauty of the Alanon program is that you don't have to feel humiliated. You walk into a room full of people who understand just what you're dealing with. They don't judge you, because they are walking the same path that you are. Trust me when I tell you that when you are ready, and you go to a meeting...you will feel like you have found a home.
Gabe

Lorelai

Chillgal -
For me, I had to work the program on my own for a while before going to meetings. You can work the program by reading and posting and thinking about what the program means in your life.
Don't beat yourself up about not going to meetings and don't give up because you feel uncomfortable going. Do what you can on your own. Gabe is right, you'll know when you're ready.
L

ChillGal

Hi!!!!

Just wanted to let you know that I did it! I went to a meeting on my lunch hour. There was a woman waiting outside with a friend that was going for the 1st time so I felt if she can go so can I. It was small but I actually enjoyed the meeting. It feels good to say that. I even bought the ODAT book. Unfortunately it looks like this meeting spot will probably fold but they told me of another one that was good to go to. I got a beginner information package too. I feel much better (at least for now) about going to a meeting. Vikster try another spot if you don't like the one you go to. I am going to trying. The book is good too.

Gabe

Chillgal,
Good for you! I knew you could do it when you were ready.
I'm glad you feel better.
Now...keep going back.
Hugs,
Gabe

MeggieStar

Chill,
Please stop by our online meetings here if you'd like! Sometimes people find it easier to start here too....that's great that you went to a f2f, way to go!

Meg

vikster

I'm so glad you made it and that it was a different experience! There is another meeting here that has been recommended that sounds like more of a fit for me. The only problem is that I'm going to have to reschedule something else for it, but I think it will be well worth it.

I did go to an open AA meeting with my husband yesterday. We were out of town for the holiday and he seemed tempted to skip a meeting, but he found one in the little town we were visiting and asked me to go with him. I know he was worried that it he would feel like an outsider in such a small place where everyone was bound to know one another, but he was so glad to have gone and I really see why. I felt the support and love that everyone gives to one another even when they are complete strangers. He really got a lot out of it. And I did too in a different way. It really opens your eyes to the enormity of what people are facing in trying to not use for just another day. But it was also filled with much hope and encouragement. It gave me more inspiration on top of the inspiration you've given me that the right Al-Anon meeting can do the same for me.