Angry at myself but not ready to give it up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 7
Angry at myself but not ready to give it up
I'm 22 and as much as I'd like to think I'm just another college binge-drinker who will get over the phase, I know it could really become a problem if I don't stop. Except I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at a lot of things really and I want to just keep telling myself it's not a problem and I can learn how to moderate... But truth be told it's already sabotaged a lot of things in my life and I don't know what to do at this point.
Growing up I was pretty much the "black sheep" of a highly strict, over-bearing family... Getting anything less than an A in school meant I would never amount to anything, and being vulnerable in any way meant failure. There's no one in my family with a history of addiction (that I'm aware of). I played into the rebel role as a teenager, but I've spent the last 4 years (pathetically) trying to prove to my parents that I can be successful and worthy of their approval by doing well in University and maintaining that whole image. So there's no one I can really reach out to and I feel like this whole thing is just another horrible "secret" part of myself I have to keep hidden.
My parents are divorced and my dad married a "highly successful" lawyer who is basically a functional alcoholic (drinks excessively every night, passes out on the couch, etc. but still brings home the $$$) and if anything I feel like I'm following in her footsteps.. As long as it looks good on a resume who cares what's really going on right? lol
So anyway I'm just putting my story out there and thankful if you're willing to listen. I really need to start being honest with myself an others and what better place to start than an online forum I guess
Growing up I was pretty much the "black sheep" of a highly strict, over-bearing family... Getting anything less than an A in school meant I would never amount to anything, and being vulnerable in any way meant failure. There's no one in my family with a history of addiction (that I'm aware of). I played into the rebel role as a teenager, but I've spent the last 4 years (pathetically) trying to prove to my parents that I can be successful and worthy of their approval by doing well in University and maintaining that whole image. So there's no one I can really reach out to and I feel like this whole thing is just another horrible "secret" part of myself I have to keep hidden.
My parents are divorced and my dad married a "highly successful" lawyer who is basically a functional alcoholic (drinks excessively every night, passes out on the couch, etc. but still brings home the $$$) and if anything I feel like I'm following in her footsteps.. As long as it looks good on a resume who cares what's really going on right? lol
So anyway I'm just putting my story out there and thankful if you're willing to listen. I really need to start being honest with myself an others and what better place to start than an online forum I guess
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Happiness
Posts: 19
Seabreeze,
The best part is that you already know that you have a problem
There is nothing better than being past the denial. It will not be a "breeze" lol to stay on the sober path, but you can start early. Being only 22 is awesome! Making a change now will be the best thing you ever did.
I did the same thing as you at 22, college life. However, it just kept going, going, and going. I just joined this forum and I am 26 days sober. At 29 years old I wish I had quit when I was your age. Trust me, the road gets worse from 22 on unless you make a change. It will be the BEST choice you have ever made
The best part is that you already know that you have a problem
There is nothing better than being past the denial. It will not be a "breeze" lol to stay on the sober path, but you can start early. Being only 22 is awesome! Making a change now will be the best thing you ever did. I did the same thing as you at 22, college life. However, it just kept going, going, and going. I just joined this forum and I am 26 days sober. At 29 years old I wish I had quit when I was your age. Trust me, the road gets worse from 22 on unless you make a change. It will be the BEST choice you have ever made
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 257
Hello seabreaze!! I agree with the theMiz except I'm a little older . I didn't have a problem but I sure could party at your age. Yea, right!!! Your still very young so please keep coming back here for conversations. This a good place to be and I find it quiet helpful. Believe me u don't want to be 40+ when you finally find a helpful place like this.
Nite all...stay strong!!!
. I didn't have a problem but I sure could party at your age. Yea, right!!! Your still very young so please keep coming back here for conversations. This a good place to be and I find it quiet helpful. Believe me u don't want to be 40+ when you finally find a helpful place like this.Nite all...stay strong!!!
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hi, Seabreeze. Welcome!
I went through a phase of questioning whether or not I could or should continue to drink when I started racking up a lot of negative consequences due to drinking. If I'd had a crystal ball seven years ago when that was happening and could've seen how things would continue to slide down rapidly I would've stopped then and saved myself a whole mess of mistakes, many of which I'm still paying for. But since there are no crystal balls we're all stuck in trying to make the best decisions with what is in front of us.
Given that I went from a period of uncertainty much like what you're going through to pretty much full-blown and severe alcoholism, I'm definitely more of an advocate for "if you think you might have a problem, better to stop." I don't make that strong suggestion because I believe that anyone who questions whether they have a drinking problem definitely does. Rather, I think it's better to ask whether or not drinking is so important that it can't be given up, regardless of whether a person is alcoholic, alcohol dependent or whatnot.
That's really the only insight I can offer. Suppose that you simply cannot at this moment in time determine whether or not you can continue to drink into the future without all these problems reoccuring. What precisely would you stand to lose by taking the safe bet and just quitting anyway? What is it with alcohol that prioritizes it as something not worth giving up if it can't be helped?
I went through a phase of questioning whether or not I could or should continue to drink when I started racking up a lot of negative consequences due to drinking. If I'd had a crystal ball seven years ago when that was happening and could've seen how things would continue to slide down rapidly I would've stopped then and saved myself a whole mess of mistakes, many of which I'm still paying for. But since there are no crystal balls we're all stuck in trying to make the best decisions with what is in front of us.
Given that I went from a period of uncertainty much like what you're going through to pretty much full-blown and severe alcoholism, I'm definitely more of an advocate for "if you think you might have a problem, better to stop." I don't make that strong suggestion because I believe that anyone who questions whether they have a drinking problem definitely does. Rather, I think it's better to ask whether or not drinking is so important that it can't be given up, regardless of whether a person is alcoholic, alcohol dependent or whatnot.
That's really the only insight I can offer. Suppose that you simply cannot at this moment in time determine whether or not you can continue to drink into the future without all these problems reoccuring. What precisely would you stand to lose by taking the safe bet and just quitting anyway? What is it with alcohol that prioritizes it as something not worth giving up if it can't be helped?
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi seabreeze
Have you talked to your parents? You may find that ultimately they want you to be happy more than successful. They might just be caught in the mind-set that success is the best way to happiness. Most parents want their children to be happy above all else; we can just make mistakes at times concerning where we think that happiness will come from.
Do you know what you'd like to do if the pressure (including the pressure you are putting on yourself) was released? That might be worth talking through with them as well.
A word to the wise: while I think you should mention your own desire to tackle the causes of your drinking, I wouldn't mention your step-mother's drinking. That's for her and your Dad to address unless it's directly affecting you.
Well done on recognizing a problem early.
God bless +
Michael
Have you talked to your parents? You may find that ultimately they want you to be happy more than successful. They might just be caught in the mind-set that success is the best way to happiness. Most parents want their children to be happy above all else; we can just make mistakes at times concerning where we think that happiness will come from.
Do you know what you'd like to do if the pressure (including the pressure you are putting on yourself) was released? That might be worth talking through with them as well.
A word to the wise: while I think you should mention your own desire to tackle the causes of your drinking, I wouldn't mention your step-mother's drinking. That's for her and your Dad to address unless it's directly affecting you.
Well done on recognizing a problem early.
God bless +
Michael
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 66
Hi! Welcome. If you get the chance, you should go read my thread (click on my name to go to my profile, then hit statistics, then find all threads started by dayover). It is similar to yours in the sense that I am also a young person with a drinking problem in university. Though I do not say it in my post, I face the same issue as you in a way (I was rebellious in high school but am now a straight A student, I often feel like I'm leading a double life.)
I am a few years younger than you and in some ways going through something similar. I am very confident I have a drinking problem, and I have quit drinking and am going to AA.
Ironically, my mother is also a very high paid lawyer. She is also an alcoholic. She is sober now and has been for a few years. I was afraid that I was following in her footsteps - but no one has said anything like that because the simple fact that I've realized I have a problem and am seeking help means I am not! The fact you see you have a problem and want to get help means you are much stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for.
You have nothing to be afraid of. I know that is hard, but alcoholism is a DISEASE.
I had such bad fears, anxieties, and just general pain in my life already. It was shocking to me to go to AA and hear people telling me they felt the same way when they were drinking. They felt so emotionally drained, depressed, they didn't fit in, they lived a double life, they were never their true selves, and thus they drank.
I believe that alcoholics use alcohol to self-medicate. Many alcoholics feel very similarly about many things, and thus they turn to alcohol.
I'm really glad you've come here to reach out. I have only recently started posting here and already I am overwhelmed by how amazingly supportive this community is.
Good luck <3
I am a few years younger than you and in some ways going through something similar. I am very confident I have a drinking problem, and I have quit drinking and am going to AA.
Ironically, my mother is also a very high paid lawyer. She is also an alcoholic. She is sober now and has been for a few years. I was afraid that I was following in her footsteps - but no one has said anything like that because the simple fact that I've realized I have a problem and am seeking help means I am not! The fact you see you have a problem and want to get help means you are much stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for.
You have nothing to be afraid of. I know that is hard, but alcoholism is a DISEASE.
I had such bad fears, anxieties, and just general pain in my life already. It was shocking to me to go to AA and hear people telling me they felt the same way when they were drinking. They felt so emotionally drained, depressed, they didn't fit in, they lived a double life, they were never their true selves, and thus they drank.
I believe that alcoholics use alcohol to self-medicate. Many alcoholics feel very similarly about many things, and thus they turn to alcohol.
I'm really glad you've come here to reach out. I have only recently started posting here and already I am overwhelmed by how amazingly supportive this community is.
Good luck <3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
Hi seabreeze, glad you came here! You'll find a wealth of support.
I was in shoes similar to your not long ago (I'm 27). Looking back, it didn't really occur to me at 22 that what I had was a real problem; I was just doing what everyone else was doing. If back then I had realized that I had a problem and done something about it... well, let's just say the future would have been looking a lot brighter, haha.
I understand feeling torn about this; a majority of us do. It's a hard and scary decision, especially at a young age. At some point you have to just stop, assess the reality of the situation, and ask yourself "do I really want to live like this"? I asked myself that question far too late and I commend you for realizing you might have a problem, now. It really is brave of you.
Please keep coming back to the forum if you don't feel you're ready yet to go to any meetings. This is a great group of people and you'll absolutely find a lot of support and great advice.
Best of luck to you, and I hope to keep seeing you around these parts
I was in shoes similar to your not long ago (I'm 27). Looking back, it didn't really occur to me at 22 that what I had was a real problem; I was just doing what everyone else was doing. If back then I had realized that I had a problem and done something about it... well, let's just say the future would have been looking a lot brighter, haha.
I understand feeling torn about this; a majority of us do. It's a hard and scary decision, especially at a young age. At some point you have to just stop, assess the reality of the situation, and ask yourself "do I really want to live like this"? I asked myself that question far too late and I commend you for realizing you might have a problem, now. It really is brave of you.
Please keep coming back to the forum if you don't feel you're ready yet to go to any meetings. This is a great group of people and you'll absolutely find a lot of support and great advice.
Best of luck to you, and I hope to keep seeing you around these parts
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