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Where I am. Path forward?

Old 08-08-2013, 02:11 PM
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Where I am. Path forward?

After a several-day-long bender, I think I've completed the "stupid & dangerous" method of detox. It was particularly unpleasant because the bender ended up with a couple of days of red wine, which always did a number on me if I drank it in quantity. Yesterday I managed to keep down solid food without vomiting, and today I haven't even particularly felt the desire to vomit. Feeling relatively strong; strong enough to carry two crates of bottles upstairs for recycling. Think I did lose almost 10 lbs in under two weeks though. Strong enough that I'm not willing to just slouch limply in front of the computer waiting to recover. Contemplating where I go from here.

I've been a drinker for about the last five years. Three years ago I lost one job because of it, last month I lost another. More terrifyingly, it's taking its toll on the people I love, especially my girlfriend. She's an angel to put up with me this long and every time I binge, literally my greatest fear in the world is that this time will be the last straw and she won't take me back. One time it will be. Oh, and it's probably also super bad for my body.

Typically I drank alone, straight liquor, after dinner, about half a liter a day, two liters a week. Despite my private habit, I literally never drank more than two units (beers, cocktails, w/e) out with friends. And on those nights I rarely opened my own bottle either. Because we had fun, I was feeling good, and probably tired & ready to get some healthy natural sleep.

Weekdays were the worst. I'd come home from work, eat, and sit down alone in front of my computer. I'd feel anxious or depressed. I'd look at my library of video games or Netflix titles and feel like I didn't have the desire or mental fortitude to entertain myself with any of them. I'd end up mindlessly clicking through cat pictures on Reddit for a couple hours while the shots numbed away the bad feeling. Maybe by eight or nine I'd feel like shooting some aliens or watching Jaws again. Midnight was time to pack it in. By then I could easily set the alarm, fall into bed, and go to sleep in minutes without any stress about what I'd have to deal with at work tomorrow.

I'd usually wake up without a hangover and head off to work. Sometimes I'd had too much and I'd feel awful. Sometimes awful enough I'd call in sick. More frequently than was professionally wise. Very very infrequently (but every single time was once too many) I'd have a small drink before heading out. Not to treat a hangover, but because I was just completely stressed/depressed/panicking about something I'd have to do, and I felt like I needed it to get out the door. I'm incredibly lucky I never hurt anyone or got a DUI.

If all this sounds pretty miserable, that's because it was. It was about dulling pain, not partying it up. And that's where I'm frustrated. There are things about alcohol I like, but they don't seem to line up with what got me here. At dinner with my friends I like ordering a japanese beer with my hibachi chicken. Out with the girlfriend's family, I like getting one of my favorite cocktails and then having a Pinot Noir with my steak. I like looking through my GF's cocktail books with her and talking about which ones we'd like to try to make. I like presenting her with her favorite drink when she's cooking the swordfish, then being presented with mine as I finish up the rice.

Those are the things I'm reluctant to lose, not the endless, tasteless, lonely bottles of liquor. For two months earlier this year I abstained from solo drinking and drank in moderation with friends & loved ones. It was nice. But of course I fell off. I'm just wondering if it was that last weekend cocktail that made me break my promise to myself, or if it was something else.

Most resources I've seen preach total abstinence. Maybe for me that's what it'll take. I just have this (possibly vain) hope that if I could find another way of treating my depression/anxiety, I'd still be able to exchange cocktails with the GF on the weekends. Do I have to abandon that thought right away? Should I? Clearly the booze is a huge problem, but it's not the only problem. It's making it difficult for me to choose among many options of treatment going forward.
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Old 08-08-2013, 02:30 PM
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Welcome to SR.

You don't sound like a candidate for controlled drinking. Also, there are better ways to treat depression than drinking. But they aren't effective unless you quit drinking.

And if you quit you may find your depression going away on it's own.
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