DaveyT

Hi everyone, sorry for not posting a thread right after my little dip but I've been recovering from both that stupid night of drinking and the consequences of going out with friends. Still it was great to go out with friends again, even if the illness I have is punishing me horribly for it.

For those who don't know me, here was my previous thread

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-so-well.html

Ok so I have been sober again since that night I had that dip and I've been mostly stuck in bed since then, but today I'm finally recovering. I had checked SR but not felt well enough to post. Still it was one day, a small blip on what I intend to be a sober future. I'm actually happy because I've had a dip and gone straight back into sobriety, it didn't turn into a week long bender, not that it could with my health as it is.

I felt awful that night, really guilty and the next morning, but as I've spent days mostly in bed it has given me time to think and I'm sticknig to the positives. Yes I drank, but as I said, I went straight back into sobriety. I didn't feel it was a stuggle to be back on the sober path and the great thing is I was sober for about 3 full months. That's the longest I have been sober in years! The way I see things I remain committed to staying sober for the rest of my life, but now I know that if I stumble then I can get back on course quickly.

On the one hand I drank because after being out with friends the pain was really getting bad, but also I think I did it because I was with friends, a rare thing I never get to take a part in and so my defenses dropped and I just west for it.

And hey lets face it, if I end up with the occasional stumble then my health won't be affected long term, the risks of liver damage and what have you are gone. But still my life will be better if I can commit to avoiding the stumbles, but I'm trying not to punish myself over it because it's not productive.

I'll be around the forums more often again until I'm sure I'm back on the correct path. Thanks everyone for your kind words in the previous thread.

doggonecarl

I'm glad you are back on the sober path. But it sounds like you are rationalizing your next relapse. Careful. Not everyone gets up from a fall.

DaveyT

Oh no no I am not rationalising anything, I just think it's better not to kick myself like I used to if things go wrong. Kicking myself like that was what resulted in repeated relapses, once I stopped doing that (and got my pain management under control) I had my first good sober period.

jkb

Hi Davey-
Not sure which method you are using but, if it is RR.... Your post is full of "beast". Just thought I would point that out..... Do you see it?

However, I am glad your back... I am not sure your objective for the long run? Are you looking to have more sober than drunken "periods" or are you looking to quit forever?

GL-
Jess

RobbyRobot

This makes sense to me, Davey. Others are free to see it otherwise from their own experiences, goes without saying of course. I'm not one for cookie-cutter one-size fits all. I can see how you have personalized your recovery plan to fit YOU. I don't see you excusing yourself.

As some people here know, I too dealt with horrific physical pain for many years, and having that under control while drinking of course never worked well, as you know for yourself Davey. Kicking yourself for relapsing is not good. Some people need to revamp themselves for relapsing, and some people really just need to keep to the original plan when its otherwise working. Good to know you're moving past your relapse.

I suppose I'm saying that not everybody is required to do something different simply because of a relapse. Certainly if the relapses become the new normal, yeah, things need to change.

For you though Davey, getting your pain management going without using alcohol is a real accomplishment and is in fact a change in its own right too. Awesome!

Received

Davey, all I've got to say is you've come a long, long way. Yeah, I can see the beast in your post yet at the same time I can see YOU in it too.

I think it's fair to say I feel I'm tuned into you and your situation. Strange how that happens sometimes. We just immediately "get" someone.

What I'd like to say is this, glad you're not beating yourself up for the relapse as that was a huge issue for you. You were terribly hard on yourself and it started a vicious cycle of drinking. At the same time, be careful of the thinking about if you should relapse again... That right there is not Davey. That's pure beast.

ReadyAndAble

Hey, Davey. I agree with Rob—you have a tremendous amount of which to be proud. I've known enough people suffering from chronic pain to know just getting through the day can take heroic effort. Getting sober is tough enough under the best of conditions. You're clearly badass, which is why I'm sure you're going to succeed here.

On a personal note, some of my most important lessons were learned from mistakes, my faltering attempts at recovery included. I don't regret those mistakes anymore, because I learned from them, and they helped lead me here.

So for that reason, I also share some of the concerns raised by others. I think instead of talking in terms of how you'll feel about future mistakes, we should focus on how you can use this experience to prevent them.

At the very least, it's a great way to get even with your addiction. It hates that kind of talk.

DaveyT

Thank you everyone for the replies, concern and support, I thought I should address some stuff.

I understand the mentions of the "beast" however as I don't quite subscribe to the RR or AVERT approaches it doesn't quite fit with my mindset. I think some people, and I must include myself in this, must have a very individualised approach to recovery. For me being a realist is important. When I mention the possibility of future relapses I do that because if I just said "it won't happen again" and then it did, well I would be back in the cycle of beating myself up over a failure. By accepting the possibility of relapse I can avoid this cycle without making it more likely.

If I have a relapse again within the next say 3 months, then I will have to look again at my approach as it obviously isn't good enough.

You are right, I have come a long way. From someone who was drinking every day, often stupid amounts, then to someone who tried to trick himself into thinking he could have the occasional drink (seriously lol) to the realisation I must stick to a sober lifestyle. And I stuck to it for a period of time that I just hadn't been able to achieve for years. My health has improved, at least as much as it can and my mental wellbeing is very much improved.

I'm going to keep aiming for a sober life, the important thing is I am committed, there is no going back to that stupid drinking I used to be into. It wasn't a good way to be.

DaveyT

I've run out of pain killers, I completely forget to get my prescription! Just took my last ones and I'm so scared once they wear off. Luckily it's nearly 10pm so the shops will close, no possibility of consuming alcohol but tomorrow will not be good. I can't believe I forgot to get my prescription.

Tomorrow I will get it first thing, at worst I may have to ask someone to get it for me. I guess the good thing is I won't be able to walk to the shops to get alcohol as I know how bad the pain will be. My knees are always the worst. God I'm kicking myself over this because I'm sitting here kind of aching and I just know what's going to happen.

It has been literally years since I have had either alcohol or medication managing this pain. I'm so scared what will happen, I can't imagine the pain without something stopping it. I cannot believe how stupid I am, I have the prescription right here stuck to my cork board and somehow I overlooked it.

I will keep you guys informed. Wish me luck because tomorrow I'm just expecting to wake up screaming.

Received

Yeah. That's one thing you want to keep up with. If push comes to shove I'd head over to emergency with prescription in hand. Here we do have one pharmacy that stays open "on call" 24 hours. You may want to call your doctor and see if they have any suggestions for tonight.

pinkdog

Hi Davey, It really is great that you started straight back on the sober path. Well done. You are right. Don't beat yourself up, use the energy to be well. I'm happy to hear you are doing well. Hugs to you.

DaveyT

I'm an idiot, I usually write this in my calendar or stick it to my cork board, I'm really scared to go to sleep because I know how I'm going to wake up. But I'm trying to stay positive, pharmacy opens at 8am, I already arranged for a friend to get there right on time, she's a good friend. So hopefully I won't have to suffer for too long. The medicine usually takes about an hour to kick in, that's for the codeine, the other stuff takes a little longer but is more powerful and long lasting.

This won't happen again, I've downloaded a reminder for my computer so no matter what happens it'll scream at me a few days beforehand so I can't forget again.

DaveyT

Erm guys I just realised I've been taking a lot from this community and not giving much back. I'm sorry about this, not sure what I can add for others and I hope no one takes offense at what may seem to be a self indulgent attitude. This really isn't my attention I just don't know how I can help anyone.

439trish

you can do this Davey and you are not alone, you have a lot of caring people here to converse with

hope you can have as peaceful night as possible. trish

bigsombrero

I thought exactly the same thing and I knew when I saw Carl had replied first he'd probably have caught it too.

Congrats on what you're doing and I know you might feel like we misunderstood what you were trying to say - but trust me, it's language like this that gets you in trouble. You HAVE to get drinking out of your future. There are no "someday" or "maybe" references in regards to drinking. It is OUT and there's nothing you can do about it. Picture your drinking life as a grain of sand, thrown off the highest mountain. It can never be found, do not even bother looking for it. Move on, like any sane person would.

Good luck.

DaveyT

I am grateful for your input but you must understand that I'm a realist. When I mention the possibility of drinking in future it's merely my attempt to not kick myself as I used to if failure occurs. Long ago I said that I would not drink again, then when it happened I kicked myself so hard that I ended up on week long benders, drink after drink. By allowing myself the possibility of screwing up while actively resisting it I can forgive myself if things go bad and get straight back on the sober path. This approach allowed me to stay sober longer than I ever have.

Remember that while many people can be hlped by a set program, some people need a very personalised system. So far I think I am one of these people. As stated if things go bad in the next couple of months, even a single drink then I will have to assess my approach to sobriety as obviously it would not be working.

Still I appreiciate your input, along with others.

Anyway I'm going to leave you all for now, I have run out of pain meds so I'm going to take some other the counter stuff as a stop gap and hope I can get to sleep. The pain is really creeping in right now. I'm so glad the shops are shut and I have my friend arranged for the morning. She will get what I need as soon as the pharmacy opens. I hate taking painkillers but it's better than alcohol and the pain clinic/my doctor are keeping a close eye on the dose.

Good news about that. I've been todl they're considering dropping my codeine dose and using a third medication. So all my medicines wil be low dose but culmulative. Seems a good idea to me.

RobbyRobot

Just speaking for myself here when I say I talked about relapsing all the time in my first year of successfully not drinking. I always said if I ever relapse I would quit again I hoped. I also said just as often if I ever relapse, I would never sober up again. And finally I also said if I ever relapse I would just quit again and get right back to not drinking.

My talking about it didn't get me back to drinking. My thinking about didn't either. And my feelings about drinking didn't get me back to drinking. I've been successfully sober for more then 30 years now, and I could and would still talk about relapsing if the conditions and situation required me to express myself in such a manner. And I'm not just talking I don't drink anymore - I'm talking I have an awesomely successful life and I don't drink anymore. Talking honestly about myself didn't get me back to drinking, and it never will, speaking for myself like I said.

I'm not gonna defend Davey, because I don't do that kind of thing, and he doesn't need it anyways, but I do understand where he is coming from with the way he is expressing himself.

Everybody has their own experiences and opinions of course, as do I too, lol.

The bottom line for drinking is the same for everybody -- people drink for whatever justification they can manage when they make drinking real in their lives again. It's not important whatever that justification is or is not. Its also true that a life can be lived happily and successfully and not have any need whatsoever for any justifications to ever drink again -- and I mean no justification can ever get me drinking again -- but I'm free to talk about whatever I want. I'm not made of glass, and neither is my sobriety.

Having said all that, I will say also that I failed many times at staying quit before I finally did quit for the last time. Failing at something doesn't mean something is always wrong with anything if one keeps their eye on the prize. Winning doesn't mean failures don't exist or are not experienced - in fact winning the war often means loosing a few battles first, is my experience anyways.

Interesting thread, guys.

439trish

BigSombreero,

[I][/I Picture your drinking life as a grain of sand, thrown off the highest mountain. It can never be found, do not even bother looking for it. Move on, like any sane person would.]

oooooh sooo good, that helps. thanks, trish

bigsombrero

I am one of these people as well. I should have prefaced my comment by saying "in my experience" or "for me". I don't follow any set rules, I just tweak and adjust things as I move forward on my journey. When I find something that works, I am loyal to it and become very passionate about it.

To me, mentioning a relapse is akin to thinking about running into an ex girlfriend again - just maybe, someday down the road, I'll run into her, etc. I have found that it is best for me to just avoid those thoughts all together, whitewash the entire thing and look forward. I suffer from depression, and there are certain subjects I need to banish from my thought process to keep my sanity. The same goes for drinking. I often refer to my drinking past as "cutting off an arm", it's gone and I can't get it back. For me, I need to think that way. For me, that works. Right now.

Good luck on following your own path, I encourage it!

Received

I have never found you to be self indulgent and you certainly have not "taken a lot from this community and not given much back". I've learned a lot from you.

Whether we need help or we are helping another, we are always giving back by sharing and allowing others to do the same.

The circle of life. The circle of love.

Don't make me get all mushy and stuff.