fedupbeyondall

IDK why but I can't always tell that a conversation is manipulation until after the fact. IDK if it's that I've become so enmeshed in the BS that I can't even see it coming anymore or what exactly the problem is. When I play the conversatiosn back over in my head my BS meter goes off but by then it's too late to do anything or say anything meaningful.

To give you an example:

Last night Mr. W was making burrito's. I had already opened the package of tortillas that morning to make breakfast. It's a resealable package so it has that zip lock think you press together to reseal. Anyways, he did not notice it was already opened and proceeded to use a letter opener to slide alone the edge and opened below the reseal thing. This somehow became my fault for not telling him it was already opened. I just felt like an idiot for not telling him and apologized and tried to find something to put the rest of the tortillas in. He, in the most annoyed tone of voice said "I'll take care of it, like I always do". And then remained in a foul mood the rest of the evening.

Now, of course this morning while waiting for the bus I replayed the scenario and recognized it for what it was. It was a different version of that tired game "poor me". He obviously won that round. Looking back it's obvious that I wasn't in the wrong. That all he had to do was use a little deductive reasoning to see that the original seal was opened. But I played right into his hands and apologized for something I didn't do. And it's not like I can address it now as any discussion we have would mean a darn thing. In his mind he's the put out party who has to deal with a stupid spouse who can't even warn him that a bag of tortillas has been opened.

So, now I'm ticked off, at myself for being so gullible, and at him for being a jerk.

Effing over this BS, so very over it.

Ok rant over. Back to work people.

Tuffgirl

This reminds me of the idea of choosing to be peaceful rather than right. You know your truth already. You know he was the dumba$$ for not paying attention. So what if you capitulated this time? It avoided a big blow out, right?

Next time, instead of an immediate apology, try something like "oh?" or "I see" or "umm-hmmm".

And go easy on yourself. Old habits are hard to break.

LexieCat

I'm a knee-jerk apologizer. I've been known to say "excuse me" when I bump into FURNITURE, fer cryin' out loud.

LOL, perhaps you should post a written list next to the refrigerator, updated daily, as to which items have already been opened by you, so he doesn't have the STRESS of examining an item before he takes a machete to it.

Laughing to yourself about it is a lot more helpful than kicking yourself about it. And more entertaining.

fedupbeyondall

This is another concept I get stuck on. It's great advice and certainly true. I can be at ease and or I can be right, not both. But then part of my brain expects a full grown adult with a Masters degree to be able to look at a bag of tortillas and tell that it's open. I don't think that is an unreasonable assumption. He hadn't started drinking yet so it's not like he was inebriated.

I know, I know me and my unreasonable expectations. I mean the poor guy, who wouldn't feel sorry for him. He's married to a guy who insists on thwarting him at every turn and making his life a living he!!. Poor guy he should just leave and save himself the future trouble of putting up with such atrocities.

LexieCat

Here's the thing. It isn't so much the fact that you momentarily went a little overboard in the apology department as it is that you let his reaction aggravate you and stress you out. You think HE is still thinking about the tortillas today?

fedupbeyondall

You're absolutely right. I doubt it will cross his mind again. Me on the other hand, have been stewing on this all morning. I don't think it's the tortillas tho. Or the conversation, those happen like that all the time. I think what I'm really mad about is that I've allowed my life to get to this point and the one other person that I'm supposed to rely on for help when our marriage faces trouble is of no help whatsoever. We honestly have been through so much strife and perils it literaly kills me to think there is something that we can't face together. But then he has to want to face it. I get that. Well, I sorta get it.

I'm a work in progress for sure.

fedupbeyondall

That really made me laugh. I can just picture it now. Mr. W going all Indian Jones on a defensless bag of tortillas. I've got the music playing and everything.

Tuffgirl

Your man has a big ego to protect. It doesn't matter if he's a freakin rocket scientist...he made a mistake, he blamed you as if its your responsibility, because he can't be confident enough to simply say "oops, I am such a dumba$$. Get me a ziploc, please."

Books smarts is not the same as emotional maturity.

But you showed maturity by not arguing with him or pointing out his dumba$$ness. Good for you. I'd consider that well done, not a problem.

dandylion

Dear fedup---you probably have read about this already--but, here goes.

Picture him with a large "Q" on his forehead for "quacking". When he is spewing his B.S.--picture him quacking like a duck. Practice not engaging whatsoever when he is quacking. that is the alcoholic stinkin thinkin talking. You might just say "umhumm" , or "is that so" or "Gee", or better, yet---just listen and say nothing. Or, just leave the room or pretend to be preoccupied with something else. You will be surprised how much this takes the wind out of his sails and how much emotional energy--useless emotional energy--it saves you!

It takes a little practice. Give that a whirl.

dandylion

LexieCat

No, I know it's not about the tortillas. For either one of you. My point is that this little tantrum is just part of the wallpaper for him--he's not even thinking about serious blame for anything, he's just so used to bitching at you for whatever that it is automatic. YOU, OTOH, have been picking it apart and analyzing it--what you should have said, what you should have done, yada yada.

Incidentally, the pouting last night had nothing to do with the tortillas, either. Dry drunks are miserable people.

Dandylion is right--it just takes practice to let those things just go in one ear and out the other. Detach. Disengage. Drop the rope.

lizw

When I replay conversations in my mind with people I tend to 'loose' too. I recall something I read in an al anon book where a woman decided to only have conversations with people who were in the room. My own life becomes so much simpler when I do this.

lillamy

I think the thing is to not see these conversations as something you win or lose, but like events where you need to protect yourself. Sort of like in martial arts, when someone hits you, you can either block the strike -- or you can simply step aside and let the other person roll arse over teakettle because of their own force and movement. That's how I view detachment -- not as giving up or being submissive, but simply as stepping out of the way and letting the other person run into the wall. Bam!

Florence

Oh yeah, this is familiar.

I remember getting in crazy fights like this. Near the end, when I laughed at how absurd the arguments were getting, he would pout and lash out at me for "laughing at him".

I wasn't laughing at him... UNTIL he made incorrectly packaged tortilla (or "who ate the last cookie?" or "someone moved my cheese!" or "you washed the plates wrong!" or whatever) a litmus test for what's wrong about our marriage. Then **** got dead serious.

I have a friend who used to write ironically concerned letters to companies arguing that their "cheesy goodness" was not nearly as cheesy as advertised. I remember once she wrote Keebler about some chocolate covered cookies because one cookie was only half-dipped. She had a picture and everything. With this "proof" she used to get huge amounts of discounts and coupons from these companies for so little effort. It was a joke to her, like an art project, almost. Sometimes I think about that, how a little complaint and blame game caused these companies to bend over backwards to keep a customer that was just toying with them. Food for thought.

LexieCat

Ooh, I love your friend, Florence. Class action time!!!

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Fedup,

I was going to say the same thing--that it wasn't about the tortillas--but Lexie beat me to it. I still want my A grade though so I'm going to throw it out there again.

If you guys were totally in love and the relationship was going well, would you EVER fight about a tortilla package? He's bitching at you and dumping on you for anything he can. You didn't "lose" by apologizing, you "lost" by letting him get to you.

Regroup today and remember you may be Fedupbeyondall but you are above being conflicted over tortillas. If he wants to act ridiculous, it's HIS problem. Next time he pulls that crap, look at him like he developed a weird rash all over his body and change the subject.

HUGS

LexieCat

I'm gonna have a bracelet made up for you, Dreams. I'm engraving it "WWLS?"

DreamsofSerenity

LOL! I would love it!!!

fedupbeyondall

I really do try to step back and look at the whole picture. I know he's dealing with a lot of stress right now with trying to get his new career off the ground. It's been stressful and frustrating. And, I know that at times he can lash out his frustration. I'm guilty of doing the same thing back. So I question when he does these things is it that or is he just a miserable person and I get to be the lucky schmuck to bare the brunt of it right now until I get fed up enough to go about my merry, broken way and the next batter is up. I really am getting to the point where some serious decisions need to be made and the person I normally bounce decisions off of is well, not available for this discussion. I also know that this is not how a marriage works and it takes two people to work things out, not one sitting in misery ignoring everything but themselves and another trying to control the action like a movie director.

Sigh. Anyone making any progress on that time machine technology?

fedupbeyondall

And then my inner redneck wants to just slap the stupid out of him but then I would have a broken, tired wrist.

Florence

Depends on whether you're using it for good or evil. Want to go back and change the past, or get a glimpse at your future?

I will kindly suggest that you're getting a glimpse of the future right now.