Argnotthisagain

Hi SR friends...I need hugs.... and ES & H

I've been waking up all sad and trembling every morning, and of course he's right there in my thoughts. And his mom and dad too, who I miss and really latched onto as the sane and loving parents I wished I could have had.

And he promised me I had family now! And I had a place to belong...

I'm in lalaa land constantly...those snapshots of the past that I don't want to let go.

I'm well past the crisis stage of tearing apart and raw sobbing pain. Truth is, we stayed in contact for a year and a half after he moved away. Full disclosure...

But around Christmas I said no more contact after he raged at me on the phone (I had said I needed to talk about the drinking). Should have said "no more" sooner: after I caught him in a lie and his denial of it was really insulting. But I didn't. Instead I went silent for a month or so but couldn't sustain the NC.

Anyway...now after my last break of NC (I sent a web article he would be interested in), he's clearly past it while I am still denying and missing him.

I have some success with remembering the abusive scenarios and the disappointments and that stuff but they just don't have the intensity that the good memories have. It is soooo hard to stay with the memories of mistreatment, eggshells, etc. They last about three seconds, I feel stronger and then....back to the video loops that make me yearn for the dead again.

ARRRGHH!

I'm in this low-grade sad and empty feeling most of the time, even though I'm doing many positive things to take care of myself. Hmmm...or maybe it's sadness after seeing that he's moved on now...no more connection energy there.

But the waking up too early in a state of anxiety and misery and trembling is getting to me.

Thanks for listening you guys....can anyone relate to this?

LexieCat

What is your bedtime routine? I like to read in bed--something really diverting that takes my mind far away. LOL, for a year or so I read and re-read all the Harry Potter books.

I read until I can barely keep my eyes open, and I'm usually asleep within a minute or two. Maybe occupying your mind with something pleasant just before you go to sleep would help. Just a thought.

SparkleKitty

((((Hugs, ANTA)))) Lots and lots of 'em.

Let me preface this post by saying that I know these things don't address the grief issues you are having (that's what the hugs were for), but sometimes training our body to get the rest it needs can have a big impact on our peace of mind, which can, in turn, help balance our emotions and help us deal with things better.

Every tiny little emotional upheaval in my life causes sleep problems. The latest trend is that I have no trouble FALLING asleep, but terrible trouble STAYING asleep. So far, the only surefire thing that ever makes a difference is reducing stress, but I know how it goes, sometimes you just can't.

Some good advice I got when I was at my worst for getting a good night's rest:

1) Evening exercise.

2) Don't eat after 7 pm.

3) Go to bed at the same time every night, and try to get up at the same time every morning -- even if that means having a different weekday and weekend routine.

4) (This was the hardest for me, but it made a big difference) Don't do anything in bed but sleep. Don't watch TV, read, do crossword puzzles, etc. The bed is for sleeping. If you are laying in bed unable to sleep, get out of bed and do something else, somewhere else.

I hope you feel better soon.

Argnotthisagain

Good idea Lexie! OK I will give that a try!

I usually play some games on my mobile or read recovery stuff. Something more diverting might be a good strategy.

Wavy

I'm sorry you are experiencing all these hard things. I too sometimes read until I can't keep my eyes open and then sleep well, but that strategy normally keeps me awake a lot longer than I should be to get enough sleep.

What I have found very very helpful is listening to guided mindful meditations meant to help you sleep. I use the sleep one on this page and am normally asleep before it finishes. I wake up very rested and ready for the next day. Some of the other meditations on that page a good too. There is one for working with difficulties and one for working on self-love, which might be useful for you.

Could you make a list of all the reasons you decided to leave and how those reasons made you feel and refer back to it when you think you might have accidentally slipped those rose tinted glasses on?

Argnotthisagain

Thanks Sparkle!

Haa, I was wondering who ANTA is. LoL!!! Most people have been calling me Arg. Heee.

I was having trouble sleeping last year. Now I'm doing much better in that department. It's the waking up in distress that is getting to me.

Maybe I just need to ride it out..get up and start coffee instead of trying to get back to sleep. Or read something. Maybe my subconscious is just working on processing it. I had nightmares about my mother regularly, well into my thirties maybe forties....they finally subsided (and were always better when I was in a rship.)

Argnotthisagain

That's a good idea too Wavy, thanks! I will check the link, definitely. Self-love...yeah I need to build that. Kind of an alien concept...good grist for discussion with my therapist.

And yeah, maybe a list dedicated to the bad stuff--no thumbing through old notepads.... I had a journal from the last year or two of that rship that had plenty of stuff but I can't find that one.

fedupbeyondall

Maybe try some lucid dreaming techniques? I've found that when I'm having a similar theme in my dreams there is something my subconscience is trying to work through and having a couple of lucid dreams helped me figure it out and stop having said dreams.

Florence

Practice good "sleep hygiene" -- google it, it's a lot of what Sparklekitty said and more.

Like Lexie, I read in bed every night. The Game of Thrones books are ridiculously long and complicated and an excellent read if you can do fantasy. I also read the Harry Potter books, too. I love literary fiction -- the award-winning serious novels -- but I want something escapist when I'm getting ready for bed.

"Screen time" at night disturbs the sleep patterns in your body, something about the glowing TV and phone lights.

FireSprite

Great advice above. I agree with more "mindless" and relaxing reading or activities close to bedtime, that's when I read my mindjunk. I also can't watch anything serious on tv like the news or CSI.

I also got into the habit of only sleeping in bed - no tv, reading, just sleep.

I found these great chewable melatonin tablets at the Dollar Tree that I love for when I wake in the middle of the night - they are gentle & dissolve easily so I don't have to wake up & grab a drink or anything. As long as I have 3-4 hours more of sleep left in a night, I can take one of those & drift right back off. I think it's chamomile, lemon & melatonin - so I have no drugged out Tylenol PM feeling the next morning after taking them.

firebolt

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Saw this on Facebook this am, and it struck a cord with me, maybe it will help put your mind at ease some too:

Often, the reason we find it so hard to be happy is because we tend to see the past far better than it really was, and the present much worse than it actually is.

Yeah - that one gets me.

I agree with the comments above, and I think a list of the nightmarish ordeal you went through with your A will help keep it fresher in your memory when you really need it.

Sending you peace!

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Arg,

You poor thing! You seem simply broken hearted to me. Have you tried journaling about all of this? Maybe before you go to bed at night, you could write down everything you are feeling and then your subconscious wouldn't have the need to play it out while you sleep..

I would definitely discuss this with the psychiatrist who is prescribing your anti-depressants.

Argnotthisagain

Hi Dreams...
Yeah I am. Still brokenhearted and it hurts. But it's really about deeper stuff.

But I think I've finally found a gooood therapist. I've been to many....this is time now for the deeper work. Prior years was just learning how to be basically human or recover from another doomed rship. ....

Saw her this afternoon... was shaking apart--she got to some nitty gritty today! What an improvement over the previous therapist!

She wants to do reparenting work. I've thought for a long time that I need something like that. I have to go get a baby doll. Yecch. I hate dolls. LoL...

Thanks Dreams.

LexieCat

Ewww. Dolls? I hate that kinda stuff. If it creeps you out, tell her she will have to come up with a different technique. I hate dolls, too. And I REALLY hate all that "inner child" stuff.

Just my personal bias...

Argnotthisagain

Thank you firebolt. Excellent idea to make a list of his unacceptable behaviors.

I agree with that quote, we definitely have to make the EFFORT to look at what's good in the present. Confronting the hard stuff as it crops up takes effort too. That's recovery....

I hosted a Buddhist meeting at my adorable little house this evening and it was so dynamic and encouraging! Definitely a recharge I needed.

Argnotthisagain

LoL! I hate babies too, but I know at least some of my reaction comes from my own bad experiences. Actually, I was reading about an inner child/inner adult technique recently and thought I really need that. But didn't want to try alone because there's just a lot of trauma back there I don't want to bring up alone.

It's not going to be easy therapy work but to address the deeeeeeep emptiness and all is going to require something that digs deep.

I feel hopeful about this!!

Florence

I did some of the inner child stuff and it was surprisingly helpful. No baby doll, but a lot of finding a little Florence and holding her. I'm about as anti-woowoo as it gets, but it helped.

No baby dolls, but I have an actual baby.

wicked

Can I borrow the baby? I think that would make me very happy!
LOL

Arg,
I agree with easy reading until you nod off, that is what worked with me.
also, the simple stuff, keep a routine, no caffeine or eating, turn everything off.
I have recently started meditating, and it calms me so much,
(just the breathing is great) that I nap afterwards.
Maybe at night it would be helpful, get in tune with your breathing and relax.

Argnotthisagain

Hey Beth yeah, I've got music I listen to that I love to fall asleep by.

It's waking up in the morning that's been a little hinky. I guess it'll just peter out when it's ready.

Hammer

whooaaaa. Slow down. This (mho) is not such a bad thing. Let the bad stuff die and keep the good stuff around for your heart and mind to have happy memories.

Ever see the movie Ghost? It is a little dated and campy, and folks think to seem the big thing was Whoopie Goldberg playing a man . . . but here is the good take away --

GHOST ( PATRICK SWAYZE & DEMI MOORE ) mrzvezdochet007 TV5 - YouTube

You only take the good with you. Let the bad die and keep the good.

Keep the good, drop the bad. (Y)our heart is SOOOO much smarter the (y)our Brains.

It is telling you that every night.

Listen to it.