I am in Trouble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Harrisburg, PA
Posts: 5
I am in Trouble
Have been in the forums promising to stop a few times. I did 10 months of sobriety last year. Back to drinking after 25 years of heavy drinking and now I am real sick.
Everything they told me in rehab or jail was true. It will only get worse. I do not need any reminders that I am addicted. What I need to say is that finally, I am scared. I do not need to tell you about my DUIs and have any one judge me. I am in trouble and now I need help.
I have never been so sick from drinking that I had to wake up and take a drink the next day. I used to laugh it off and say, well . . . that is NOT ME. Well, now I have been back to drinking for the last year and guess what, it is now me.
I feel that I have a definite plan this time. I am first going to my doctor, who is aware that I got out of rehab two years ago. They tried to diagnose mania or bipolar, but my doctor and I agreed it was just the alcohol that caused the mania. I am chronically depressed, that will never change.
I have been taking 150 mg of Zoloft for the last two years. For those that have been there, we all remember the first six to eight weeks of adjustment - the relentless, sleepless nights.
But now I have been drinking, heavily, while on Zoloft. I have done some research on line and now it makes sense while I feel like even more **** than I ever have before.
By the grace of God, my child is grown and out of the home. I have no baggage as a significant dysfunctional other or an abusive boss. My boss and I parted ways earlier this year. Now that I am home working for myself, I have been drinking like a fish and acting like I am loving every minute of it!
Now I am sick. Now I am physically dependent. Now I am everything I heard in the rooms that I could never comprehend. I am scared, I drink to blackout every time now (again, I don't need the harsh judgment, only your support).
I no longer have health insurance, so rehab is not an option. I have set up a plan which I believe will help me. My sister is going to stay with me for 3 days starting on Monday. I am going to my doctor to talk about Campral and some type of sleep medicine. When I try to get clean, I cannot sleep!
From there, I am flying to be with my daughter and son-in-law and grandpuppy for five days and they would never allow me to drink.
This is just my plea, my hope to try once again. I was sober for 10 months last year for the first time in my entire life (I am now 46). But now, I am being honest, I am no longer hiding from my family and friends, I am telling them that I am in trouble.
If you have been in trouble and you overcame that trouble, I would love to hear about it for encouragement.
Thank you and may God bless us all!
Everything they told me in rehab or jail was true. It will only get worse. I do not need any reminders that I am addicted. What I need to say is that finally, I am scared. I do not need to tell you about my DUIs and have any one judge me. I am in trouble and now I need help.
I have never been so sick from drinking that I had to wake up and take a drink the next day. I used to laugh it off and say, well . . . that is NOT ME. Well, now I have been back to drinking for the last year and guess what, it is now me.
I feel that I have a definite plan this time. I am first going to my doctor, who is aware that I got out of rehab two years ago. They tried to diagnose mania or bipolar, but my doctor and I agreed it was just the alcohol that caused the mania. I am chronically depressed, that will never change.
I have been taking 150 mg of Zoloft for the last two years. For those that have been there, we all remember the first six to eight weeks of adjustment - the relentless, sleepless nights.
But now I have been drinking, heavily, while on Zoloft. I have done some research on line and now it makes sense while I feel like even more **** than I ever have before.
By the grace of God, my child is grown and out of the home. I have no baggage as a significant dysfunctional other or an abusive boss. My boss and I parted ways earlier this year. Now that I am home working for myself, I have been drinking like a fish and acting like I am loving every minute of it!
Now I am sick. Now I am physically dependent. Now I am everything I heard in the rooms that I could never comprehend. I am scared, I drink to blackout every time now (again, I don't need the harsh judgment, only your support).
I no longer have health insurance, so rehab is not an option. I have set up a plan which I believe will help me. My sister is going to stay with me for 3 days starting on Monday. I am going to my doctor to talk about Campral and some type of sleep medicine. When I try to get clean, I cannot sleep!
From there, I am flying to be with my daughter and son-in-law and grandpuppy for five days and they would never allow me to drink.
This is just my plea, my hope to try once again. I was sober for 10 months last year for the first time in my entire life (I am now 46). But now, I am being honest, I am no longer hiding from my family and friends, I am telling them that I am in trouble.
If you have been in trouble and you overcame that trouble, I would love to hear about it for encouragement.
Thank you and may God bless us all!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
L2L, welcome to SR. You won't find harsh judgement here, but you will find support and encouragement. One of the main reasons I gave up drinking was that I frightened myself that I couldn't go even a day without a bottle of wine. For me the only solution was to stop completely - moderation just wasn't possible.
I think now you are being honest with yourself you have a much better chance of staying sober. All the best.
I think now you are being honest with yourself you have a much better chance of staying sober. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
No judgement from me, either. I'm about your age and my life followed a similar trajectory. I drank hard until I couldn't drink any longer. Blackouts at night, walking death when I woke up.
Once I finally made my Big Plan it was easier to stop than I thought it would be. Right now I'm just over 10 months sober, too. AVRT was the key to the prison cell I lived in.
It's wise of you to consult a doctor. In retrospect I was probably foolish to quit cold turkey without medical input, but I'd reached the point that I felt like if it killed me to stop, so be it- it would be better to die than keep drinking myself to death.
Sincerely wanting to quit with every fibre of your being has to be a good place to start. I wish you well, and I believe you can succeed.
Once I finally made my Big Plan it was easier to stop than I thought it would be. Right now I'm just over 10 months sober, too. AVRT was the key to the prison cell I lived in.
It's wise of you to consult a doctor. In retrospect I was probably foolish to quit cold turkey without medical input, but I'd reached the point that I felt like if it killed me to stop, so be it- it would be better to die than keep drinking myself to death.
Sincerely wanting to quit with every fibre of your being has to be a good place to start. I wish you well, and I believe you can succeed.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Your post is so heartfelt, I can hear your pain through your words.
Welcome to SR, I hppe you can find support and love here- we are
brimming with it. There is no judgment, just experience, strength, and
hope.
Welcome to SR, I hppe you can find support and love here- we are
brimming with it. There is no judgment, just experience, strength, and
hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Welcome learntoloveme. Glad you found us. You've done it before and you can do it again. The fact that you are so open with your family and "us" should serve you well in your recovery. There is no hiding and there is no going back. You can do this and be the real you. Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Welcome back. My dishonesty about my drinking held me back from getting sober for about 2 years and it was like hell between my ears as each AM I got up in despair that I did it again after promising myself I won't drink tonight. Finally friends dragged me back into the fellowship of AA and things started to get better because I started to get better because I got honest with myself and stoped all the BS thinking alkys do to themselves. Hang in there and BE WELL
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
You won't find people judging you here. 
I remember very well, being as scared as you are now. Use that fear to motivate yourself to get the help you need. It sounds like you have a good plan and are ready to do this.
I remember very well, being as scared as you are now. Use that fear to motivate yourself to get the help you need. It sounds like you have a good plan and are ready to do this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Getting to where I want to be
Posts: 502
I've been right where you are. The DUIs, losing jobs, horrible, horrible physical dependency, heck everything. Focus on the detox first. I won't lie to you, it will be miserable but it can be done. But as I was told, you never have to feel like you do now again. It really can get better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Absolutely no judgement here. I've been exactly where you are, and I know how terrifying it can be. The good news is you can recover. You are in a safe place here, and I hope you will keep posting. It's been said here a million times...but you really CAN do this!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
I am your age also and drinking career sounds very similar. I have promised myself to quit and stay many times and never really had the conviction to stay quit. What has changed for me this time is that up until I would drink until blackout or close most nights and be able to function , or so I thought, just grin and bare it til the evening came and start over. But now the mornings involve crushing guilt and anxiety and started to actually drink small amounts in the am to cope, which was something I never did before, which to me meant I didn't really have a problem. Reading about symptoms of physical dependency made me realize that I was entering a the dependency phase, the progressiveness of alcoholism began to affect even invincible me.
I decided that I had two options either quit and stay quit or move on in probably short time to full blown all day drinking. I am no expert,but I think in this stage every time you stop and go back to drinking it will be exponentially harder to stop again physically and psychologically, so thankfully I am currently scared crapless to not stay quit.
I went to the rational recovery site learned about my "beast" and have acquired the book. If nothing else this seemingly simple technique of "refusing the beast" has helped me in not given into it, it's been about a week or so, I know it is very early in the game for me, and I do not think I can conceive of me not ever drinking again. I know I can't, it's just not something I "feel" yet, if that makes sense.
All I know right now is that after last night I definitely do not want to drink today, because I didn't last night and waking up this morning was great
Wish you well
I decided that I had two options either quit and stay quit or move on in probably short time to full blown all day drinking. I am no expert,but I think in this stage every time you stop and go back to drinking it will be exponentially harder to stop again physically and psychologically, so thankfully I am currently scared crapless to not stay quit.
I went to the rational recovery site learned about my "beast" and have acquired the book. If nothing else this seemingly simple technique of "refusing the beast" has helped me in not given into it, it's been about a week or so, I know it is very early in the game for me, and I do not think I can conceive of me not ever drinking again. I know I can't, it's just not something I "feel" yet, if that makes sense.
All I know right now is that after last night I definitely do not want to drink today, because I didn't last night and waking up this morning was great
Wish you well
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Learntoloveme: Thanks for telling your story so honestly. We are here for you night and day and no one will judge you. You can get free of this you know. Others have been where you are and have done it. You can. Everyone has a different perspective on how to do it but most folks talk about seeking help and companionship from groups like AA, trying another program called Rational Recovery (AVRT), Smart Recovery, counseling and seeking medical advice. From the sound of it you do need sound, experienced medical advice. As you probably know, moderate drinking is not an option for most alcoholics. It just comes back and gets worse. Giving it up entirely takes enormous strength of character and patience and is uncomfortable for the first few months. But doctors can help with that. I found it difficult if not impossible to quit without help from other recovering alcoholics.
It's up to you. You can do it. Let us know what we can do to help.
W.
It's up to you. You can do it. Let us know what we can do to help.
W.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
Welcome! I applaud you for your honesty.
Before I quit drinking, I called every single family member and cried on the phone--told them I was an alcoholic and I planned to quit, but I was scared. I had NEVER done that before, so I knew once I told everyone, there was no going back. Two weeks sober now and feeling fantastic!
It's a great thing that your sister is going to stay with you during your first few days of recovery. Going cold turkey can be medically dangerous, so make sure she is aware of what could happen so she can get you to the ER if need be. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted!
Before I quit drinking, I called every single family member and cried on the phone--told them I was an alcoholic and I planned to quit, but I was scared. I had NEVER done that before, so I knew once I told everyone, there was no going back. Two weeks sober now and feeling fantastic!
It's a great thing that your sister is going to stay with you during your first few days of recovery. Going cold turkey can be medically dangerous, so make sure she is aware of what could happen so she can get you to the ER if need be. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted!
Trying Hard To Stop
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: London
Posts: 1
Hi, I have just joined and feel for you! Be strong, it is very hard. I really want to stop drinking more than anything else but just don't have the mental or physical will to do it. Right now I feel afraid.
I drink a bottle or more of wine every night and it is messing up my life at work and with my wife. Weekends are a washout - all I think about is drinking and drinking early.
I really do believe that to beat this help is needed so if your sister is wiliing to come and stay with you that is a massive help!
I drink a bottle or more of wine every night and it is messing up my life at work and with my wife. Weekends are a washout - all I think about is drinking and drinking early.
I really do believe that to beat this help is needed so if your sister is wiliing to come and stay with you that is a massive help!
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Learn2loveme
If you don't mind Christian writing, may I recommend a book. It is Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel. Its subtitle describes the book perfectly - it is "Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out". Brennan was, as a priest, an alcoholic himself. He writes compellingly as someone who has been there. It is a very uplifting book, full of hope. One thing that really struck me was how his own struggles has made him so able to comfort and bring grace to others - it seems there is a strange gift in alcoholism - that of being able to identify with those suffering addiction. There is, it seems to me, to often be a softening of a heart towards others. How strange that we should end up graced by our struggles with alcohol.
Here is a link to the book...
The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out: Brennan Manning: Amazon.com: Books
If you don't mind Christian writing, may I recommend a book. It is Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel. Its subtitle describes the book perfectly - it is "Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out". Brennan was, as a priest, an alcoholic himself. He writes compellingly as someone who has been there. It is a very uplifting book, full of hope. One thing that really struck me was how his own struggles has made him so able to comfort and bring grace to others - it seems there is a strange gift in alcoholism - that of being able to identify with those suffering addiction. There is, it seems to me, to often be a softening of a heart towards others. How strange that we should end up graced by our struggles with alcohol.
Here is a link to the book...
The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out: Brennan Manning: Amazon.com: Books
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 97
Welcome, L2L! I think you'd be hard pressed to find judgement here. I just wanted to thank you for posting such a raw and honest post and let you know I'm in your corner and wish you success in your sobriety. You sound ready, you can do this!
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