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Please tell me I'm ok...

Old 05-25-2004, 08:30 PM
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Unhappy Please tell me I'm ok...

I've been clean for almost two years. In that time, I went back to school and got my degree. But, now I find myself unemployed and going crazy. I just feel so alone- my boyfriend of six years left almost a year ago (that was a positive thing), but now I have no one to talk to. I don't want to do the whole group therapy thing- too creepy spilling my guts to a roomful of strangers. I feel so weak- tonight I had to go for a drive b/c I was afraid I'd make a phone call to get some pills. I haven't had a night like this in a very long time... does the desire ever go away??? If someone's out there, could you just answer me so I know I'm not invisible?
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Old 05-25-2004, 08:56 PM
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Hi,
You are not alone. Sorry you are having a tough time. Keep reaching out. I guess just try to remember that a drink or drug is not going to make anything better. Instead of having 10 problems now, you'll have 11 if you pick up. So I guess you know what kinds of support there are for people like us out there. If you even found something that worked maybe give that a try. Or just keep hangin around here. Remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in.
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:01 PM
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thanks for taking the time to respond... it really does mean something to me. I know there are other people struggling, but I really thought it would get better with time, you know?
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:08 PM
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Hi Fud,

I think that the desire does lessen a lot (I'm an alcoholic, sober 3 1/2 yrs) but doesn't go away. I find that at stressful times in my life I feel vulnerable. Your long-time boyfriend has left, and even though that's positive, you feel lonely. Plus, you're unemployed. Those are two big things to deal with. Do you have any kind of support system? SR is a great place to visit and I find it keeps me thinking about the way I want to live my life. I think it's easy to become complacent, but I need to work on myself daily. Keep posting and hang around and be inspired.

Love, Anna
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:11 PM
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NA is not group theropy, Listening to experience, strength and hope, get what you need. People like us exist and have done this too. You dont have to do this alone. Hope everything worksout, give yourself a break, remember Easy Does It!!
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:15 PM
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Well,
I tell myself this when times are tough...
"My worst day sober is better than my best day when I was using."
Does that make any sense? Well to me it does, I was miserable when I was drinking and using and some days I still get real down but I just get through it and no matter what I don't drink.
there are very supportive people here and you are right, we all struggle sometimes.
So welcome. keep posting here, there are so many cool people here at SR and they really care.
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:20 PM
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heh fud
just finished an NA meeting- people there faced with tough life choices. people in relationship turmoil. people in grief. people in gratitiude. everone clean just for today.
there was hugging and laughing as we walked out the door.
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this
sky
where we live
Is no place to lose your wings
so love, love
Love
---------hafiz
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:23 PM
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Thanx, Anna,
No, I really don't have much of a support system- my degree is in teaching, and you can imagine the stigma of having an "addict" label! My dad is an active alcoholic, so no one in my family talks about addictions of any kind. The one thought that has kept me going is that I know I'm a good teacher- I'm not bragging, but I can reach the kids that other teachers have given up on. Now, though, with no job prospects (budget cutbacks, you know), I'm having trouble focusing on that. I just remember how nice it was to NOT feel the lonliness and pain... is there something wrong with me, because I miss being high? Everyone here seems so happy to be sober, but I haven't had one single day that I didn't think about being high, at least in passing?
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:36 PM
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heh fud
does using flash on me? of course it does. but the freedom of recovery is that i no longer HAVE to act on that feeling-[goes for lots of other emotions as well . i should add]- and when that happens i tend to get relieved and very grateful- especially as i remember what it used to be like...

Recovery does not give me a free pass on life happening. It does give me the tools to live life on life's terms....
I am glad you are clean today. I remember when that was the sole requisite for a sucessful day....still is the only way i can be present for my life.
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:39 PM
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That's interesting that you miss being high. I almost never miss that because I think drinking was just a way to escape pain, phyisical and emotional, for me. When I eventually was properly treated for depression, I don't have a desire to 'escape' much anymore. Also, I think one reason most of us are happy to be sober is because our lives were such a mess when we were drinking/using! Is it possible that you are depressed because of the loss of job/boyfriend? Perhaps this is just a tough time in your life that you need to get through. Sometimes the most growth comes of out times that are the hardest.

Love, Anna
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:48 PM
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Thanks- you don't know what it means to be able to talk to people who don't act like I have three heads or something. While I know in my mind that I'm a better person sober, there's still the evil little guy on my shoulder, reminding me of how much better it felt when I was high. I loved it... does that seem weird? I've never really talked with anyone who's recovering, so I don't know if the way I feel is normal, and if so, am I going to have to deal with it every time something goes wrong in my life? This is so hard- I can't remember anything except the loss of my grandmother that was as hard as not picking up the phone tonight... I'm glad I found people who would listen... thanks
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:54 PM
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Fud, I was about a year and half sober when I found myself rolled up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom, crying, could not stop, could not get up and leave the house. A few days later I was chairing an AA meeting. I had been asked a week prior to chair the meeting and I had the whole thing planned out, but with the turn of events I ended up talking about what was going on with me, and yes, asking about 100 alcoholics present if I was going nuts.

Turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I got so much help just from folks telling me their story of when they were "going nuts" and yet they stayed sober and it all cleared up. Well, I was envigorated, if only temporarily, but things eventually cleared up (it took a few months to really get better, but it did).

Hit some meetings where you live. You'll find people "right were you are", or folks who have been there already. They can give you person to person support, and it really sounds like you can use it, just like I have needed it throughout my ten years of sobriety. It always gets better if you stay out of the way and seek out those who are struggling with the same disease.

:mj
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Old 05-25-2004, 09:55 PM
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Anna,
I do agree that I've learned the most from the worst situtations in my life. Maybe I'm just not there yet, but I LIKED not feeling the pain of life. I realize it's simply an escape, and that eventually, the pain has to be faced, but I'd rather face it when my life is in better shape. I just wish someone had warned me that being a grown-up was going to be so hard!
Thanks for listening,
Fud
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:03 PM
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hee hee
re: growning up
that was the other Big Thing i got in AA/NA [altho i often am pretty sure i'm just masquerading as a grownup- at age 52!]
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:07 PM
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Fuster,
Thank you. I don't know about facing a room full of people to tell them about my problems... I'm better as the listener. It does make me feel better to know that someone else felt this way. Normally, this isn't such a major problem- but since I found out my job was being cut next year, I feel so ... lost. I can deal with my boyfriend leaving- he was bad for my self-esteem, but I LOVE my job and my students. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your story with me- I don't feel QUITE so crazy any more!
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:09 PM
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One of my friends said that the main thing she got from NA (and this is a quote I tell my students often) is "Life's not fair and people don't act right"!
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:13 PM
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i'm very grateful life is not fair-
today i am alive
today i am free
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by fudbaxpu
Fuster,
Thank you. I don't know about facing a room full of people to tell them about my problems... I'm better as the listener. It does make me feel better to know that someone else felt this way. Normally, this isn't such a major problem- but since I found out my job was being cut next year, I feel so ... lost. I can deal with my boyfriend leaving- he was bad for my self-esteem, but I LOVE my job and my students. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your story with me- I don't feel QUITE so crazy any more!
Fud
Something I was wondering.
"I'm a good teacher- I'm not bragging, but I can reach the kids that other teachers have given up on. "
What makes you a good teacher? You care, you talk with them on their level, you listen, you share, you don't give up on them....
So facing a full room of people as nice as you... I could handle that ok I think. My Dad was a teacher for 43 years... Jr High level. A room filled with people like him... Yup I could handle that just fine.
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:19 PM
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I think if life was fair and I got what I deserved...I would be either dead or in Jail.
somehow I am alive and sober, and grateful.
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Old 05-25-2004, 10:22 PM
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Fud:

I strongly suggest that if you get too anxious being in with others (i.e., at meetings) struggling with this disease trying to do the same things you are, that you find some friends where you live who you can confide in about what is going on. Even if you WERE crazy, even crazy people need person to person contact and validation for their reality. There are small meetings that may suit your personality; web advice is o.k., but we humanoids need that personal contact. :sombrero:
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