Understanding myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Understanding myself
Hey folks..
I've been making good progress with my therapist, it's kind of running in 2 threads that sometimes intertwine.
The first thread is related to the immediate situation. The pain of ending my marriage, recognising the trauma of my As behaviour, and sitting with that pain. Choices, forgiving myself for "giving up", understanding alcoholism and stuff like that.
The second thread is trying to understand my journey to this place. How did I end up thinking the way I do. Accepting crumbs. Feeling desperate. Undeserving. Exploring my codie tendencies. Finding the deep seated wound that I used helping to try to cover/heal.. The rage I feel inside when things aren't perfect. When I'm not good enough to fix things that are not even close to my responsibility.
I'm beginning to realise in a tangible way, that my childhood perhaps had a lot to do with it, and am starting to identify npd characteristics in my mum. Realising some home truths and becoming painfully aware of my own internal dialogues and self treatment.
I've been given a book to read by the T "you're not crazy - it's your mother" and the recommendation of another by Alice Miller "the drama of being a child" I think.
Has anyone ever read these? I'm halfway through the first now, and it feels like its partially clicking. It's hard to acknowledge major flaws in someone you've been conditioned to trust, but so many of my thinking strategies and ways of perceiving the world have been shaped by them.
A lot of the time, I tell myself no one likes me. Even my dearest friends, I tell myself they are just putting up with me, that they will get bored of me. My head knows this is untrue, but there's a large gaping hole where I do actually believe it.
My pattern is to push myself hard. Harder. Harder still. Until I'm in such an extreme (be it work, home, romantic relationship) that it fails.
A few weeks ago i was made aware of a mistake I made at work, and although it was relatively significant, had an £8000 price tag of our clients money attached to it, I know in my logical brain that its not the end of the world, and everyone makes genuine mistakes. And the client would get the money back now we knew about the error.
However the following day en route to work, I started crying at 8am and stayed crying till mid afternoon. I sobbed so hard I tore my shirt. I got entirely sunburned because I was so distraught I didn't notice the effect the sun was having. I snotted all over myself while walking the streets.
Through that whole time I was telling myself to shut up, feeling choked, that it was silly, that I didn't even know why I was crying so I should really stop it now. The more I raged at myself, the more I cried.
I described this to my T. He asked me to imagine that the me who was crying is a little kid version of myself. How would I handle that situation? Would I shout and rage and choke her?
Or would I sit alongside her, gain her trust, and in time, understand that she is just frightened, in pain, and making a reasonable response to an awful experience.
I think I'm rambling now. It would be good to know if others have these feelings, and if anything has helped to move past them.
Thanks for reading...
X
I've been making good progress with my therapist, it's kind of running in 2 threads that sometimes intertwine.
The first thread is related to the immediate situation. The pain of ending my marriage, recognising the trauma of my As behaviour, and sitting with that pain. Choices, forgiving myself for "giving up", understanding alcoholism and stuff like that.
The second thread is trying to understand my journey to this place. How did I end up thinking the way I do. Accepting crumbs. Feeling desperate. Undeserving. Exploring my codie tendencies. Finding the deep seated wound that I used helping to try to cover/heal.. The rage I feel inside when things aren't perfect. When I'm not good enough to fix things that are not even close to my responsibility.
I'm beginning to realise in a tangible way, that my childhood perhaps had a lot to do with it, and am starting to identify npd characteristics in my mum. Realising some home truths and becoming painfully aware of my own internal dialogues and self treatment.
I've been given a book to read by the T "you're not crazy - it's your mother" and the recommendation of another by Alice Miller "the drama of being a child" I think.
Has anyone ever read these? I'm halfway through the first now, and it feels like its partially clicking. It's hard to acknowledge major flaws in someone you've been conditioned to trust, but so many of my thinking strategies and ways of perceiving the world have been shaped by them.
A lot of the time, I tell myself no one likes me. Even my dearest friends, I tell myself they are just putting up with me, that they will get bored of me. My head knows this is untrue, but there's a large gaping hole where I do actually believe it.
My pattern is to push myself hard. Harder. Harder still. Until I'm in such an extreme (be it work, home, romantic relationship) that it fails.
A few weeks ago i was made aware of a mistake I made at work, and although it was relatively significant, had an £8000 price tag of our clients money attached to it, I know in my logical brain that its not the end of the world, and everyone makes genuine mistakes. And the client would get the money back now we knew about the error.
However the following day en route to work, I started crying at 8am and stayed crying till mid afternoon. I sobbed so hard I tore my shirt. I got entirely sunburned because I was so distraught I didn't notice the effect the sun was having. I snotted all over myself while walking the streets.
Through that whole time I was telling myself to shut up, feeling choked, that it was silly, that I didn't even know why I was crying so I should really stop it now. The more I raged at myself, the more I cried.
I described this to my T. He asked me to imagine that the me who was crying is a little kid version of myself. How would I handle that situation? Would I shout and rage and choke her?
Or would I sit alongside her, gain her trust, and in time, understand that she is just frightened, in pain, and making a reasonable response to an awful experience.
I think I'm rambling now. It would be good to know if others have these feelings, and if anything has helped to move past them.
Thanks for reading...
X
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: West Coast
Posts: 24
Hi LeSigh,
I recognized some of my own tendencies in what you describe. I have unrealistic expectations of myself and then I blame, shame, and berate myself for not living up to them. I can act unkindly towards myself when I am in most need of comfort and reassurance.
What has helped me is to let myself feel all of my emotions, no matter how "inappropriate" my old, unhealthy ways of thinking would have me believe them to be. If If I feel bad/sad/angry about something, I acknowledge that emotion and give myself as much time as I need to feel it. If I am crying, then I let myself cry. I do not tell myself that I am weak or crazy for having any emotion. I ask myself how I would treat a friend who was feeling this bad--and then I treat myself with the same kindness and understanding. The emotion goes away when it goes away, and not on any timeline I try to impose on it. I read somewhere that "feelings are for feeling." That's all I need to do. In letting myself feel, I honor myself.
This has really helped me recently. It sounds like we are discussing some similar issues in therapy. I wish you growing clarity on your journey of self-understanding.
I recognized some of my own tendencies in what you describe. I have unrealistic expectations of myself and then I blame, shame, and berate myself for not living up to them. I can act unkindly towards myself when I am in most need of comfort and reassurance.
What has helped me is to let myself feel all of my emotions, no matter how "inappropriate" my old, unhealthy ways of thinking would have me believe them to be. If If I feel bad/sad/angry about something, I acknowledge that emotion and give myself as much time as I need to feel it. If I am crying, then I let myself cry. I do not tell myself that I am weak or crazy for having any emotion. I ask myself how I would treat a friend who was feeling this bad--and then I treat myself with the same kindness and understanding. The emotion goes away when it goes away, and not on any timeline I try to impose on it. I read somewhere that "feelings are for feeling." That's all I need to do. In letting myself feel, I honor myself.
This has really helped me recently. It sounds like we are discussing some similar issues in therapy. I wish you growing clarity on your journey of self-understanding.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
