stuckinfear

After many years of the same patterns that obviously everyone else on this forum suffers through, my AH finally went to an outpatient rehab. After just going through the motions for the first 8 of 12 wks, he finally got it and admitted his addiction. for the 1st time in 7 years he gave me a really sincere acknowledgement of his actions. BUT, as soon as that happened, and we started really talking about all of our issues, then he expects everything to be happy and loving again. Of course the last year before that was the worst ever and my whole agenda was planning to leave and divorce him. Had money saved, saw the attorney, was waiting on a place that I could rent to come up. So basically I had already checked out and wanted nothing to do with him. The only feelings I had for him were disgust and disappointment.
So again I am the b--ch b/c I am not being a big cheerleader and fawning over him b/c he has been sober for a couple of months. I told him the fact that I was still with him and being open was the best I could do until some more time passed and he proved himself.
Well forward to about 2 weeks ago, friends over for dinner (all of our friends/family drink), he started his old behavior, picking a fight with me, etc. The signs of drinking. I asked him the next day if he had been drinking and he freely admitted it. Told me what difference did it make b/c I still treated him the same - didn't show him any affections, blah blah blah. We were leaving for vacation a couple days later, so I really had to hold it together for my 12 yr old daughter. As usual, when this happens communication just shuts down and we both ignore it. Then he ordered a drink when we were out to dinner, yes, right in front of me, REALLY??? I almost got ill. of course I couldn't say anything as we were with other people and my daughter. Then he continued to do the same a couple of other times. My daughter and I came home ahead of him as he had to stay for work.
What to do? I am not up for this rollercoaster again. OH and ALSO, he is back to taking Oxycontin -buys from his friend, thinks I don't know it. I just can't feel the love anymore and am not interested in going through relapses. Am I being unreasonable. Of course again I begin questioning myself and feeling like the bad guy if I leave.

LexieCat

Sounds as if you have already emotionally checked out of the relationship.

Maybe it's time to go back to your attorney and pick up where you left off. No, you're not a "bad guy" for leaving. Living with an active alcoholic is hell, and you and your daughter don't deserve the fallout from that.

lillamy

I would venture to suggest that a person who expects that from their significant other after a couple of months of not drinking is not in recovery but whiteknuckling it. A person in recovery would understand that their recovery is their business, not yours. And blaming you for picking up the bottle again? Shows the same thing.

I think Lexie's thoughts are solid. A couple of months of not drinking is a great start, but that's all it is. My AXH was sober for about four after rehab. And then he picked up the bottle again, denied ever having been an alcoholic, and is now methodically drinking himself to death. As they say -- alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell. It's up to you what floor you want to get off.

AnvilheadII

my whole agenda was planning to leave and divorce him

maybe it's time to dust off the ole agenda and give 'er another go? i don't think he could be much clearer in HIS intent.....

stuckinfear

thank you for the replies. I always start doubting myself and just need reassurance that I am not the problem. haven't been to my counselor in a couple months and going back tomorrow. He always knocks me back to reality also.
My road block is my daughter. She is the light of my world, and at this point, the love of my life. She will be devastated and I know blame me. B/c he is a good father, from what she sees. She is clueless, I am good and putting on the happy face. Of course he is happy to live in this misery, so he will tell her "mommy wants to leave". She is very attached to him b/c he is high functioning, she doesn't see it.

LexieCat

You have to do what is best for her. Kids don't KNOW what is in their best interest. They would run in traffic, stick stuff in electrical outlets, eat junk food 24/7, and play video games all night if we allowed it. We let them be mad when we enforce rules against those things, and she will no doubt be upset about separation or divorce. Trust me, a divorce will harm her much less than continuing to live in the house with an alcoholic parent who WILL eventually over time function less and less.

If he eventually chooses to REALLY recover, their relationship will benefit. If he does not, she will be much better off with you.

dandylion

Stuckinfear, Of course, you are not being unreasonable or the "bad guy" to protect yourself and your daughter from the effects of his alcoholism and drug use. Addicts are very skillful at shifting the blame and feeling a great sense of entitlement.

I believe it is your co-dependent voice that makes you fear that you are unreasonable and a "bad guy" for simply looking out for your own welfare.

I gurantee that you daughter knows more than you think she does. We adults always underestimate how much the children are aware of. Removing them from an environment of active alcoholism and dysfunction is always protecting their welfare. She is at a very vulnerable age and needs at least one stable parent and a secure environment free of the chaos.

You may want to consider alateen for her.

I am glad that you will be seeing your counselor soon. You need all the support for yourself that you can get, right now!

You will get through this. You are not alone.

dandylion

Linnie

Stuckinfear, I think I may be in the minority here, but have you and your husband attended marriage counseling? It can be a neutral place to air your feelings and have a professional there to help the both of you work through it. In addition to having your own separate counselors, you may find this helpful. I'm sure there are a lot of years of resentment built up between the two of you and it definitely doesn't make you the bad guy to be fed up with something that just isn't working out. It may not be working out though because you are both hurting and acting out against one another. Also have you sought any support from Al-Anon?

wife1020

Sounds like you are already checked out and ready to change your life.
My daughter is 10 and she knows a lot that I was not aware of. Your daughter may know more than what you think.
sounds like he is still selfish and turning blame to you.

spiderqueen

My 12 year old daughter surprises me every day in her rapidly developing awareness of herself, her family members, her choices, the choices others make; and most especially, her careful scrutiny of me and what I am willing to tolerate in relationships. I agree with Dandylion and wife 1020 100 percent. She is watching, and learning from you. Please don't underestimate her - or yourself!!

myfreedom

I am going thru a similar situation. Seperated the end of May. AH said he was quitting. Cut back and just a week or so ago said he was done. Emptied his fridge, got rid of all alcohol. My 11 yr old daughter does not like his drinking AT ALL. She has seen alot out of him thru her life. He knows how she feels but continued to do so. Last Saturday he takes his Harley out for a ride and around 11:00 that night decides to stop at the motorcyle club he belongs to. Of course he did not drink soda. Left there in the morning sometime and wrecked his bike. My daughter was devastated. She refused to talk to him. Monday he said AGAIN that he was done and this time he means it. He is tired of hurting us. Ok so what was the difference a week before that when he said the exact same thing?????? Tells me that after he goes three months that I can come home then because he will have proved that he is serious. Sorry but I have made a new home for the kids and myself and three months isn't even close to what I need to see. If he would of got caught on the bike that would in reality be his 7th DUI involving some kind of accident. He only has 2 DUI'S now and doesn't have license back yet. I don't know if he will ever get it. I give him 2 weeks before he is drinking again.

wicked

I think you would be doing yourself and your daughter a grave disservice if you
continue a marriage with an active alcoholic who is now adding oxycontin to the mix.
I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, as a matter of fact, I think
it is time to dust off the ole agenda too.

I was your daughter, my father was an alcoholic.

Of course your daughter loves her dad, but what are you and he showing her about
adult relationships?
I was afraid of my father, and he was awful to have around when
he was drunk.

If you think that she has no idea what is going on, I am telling you she has
every idea what is happening, and that it is not good.

Children know very well when something is not right.

I knew that my father was very "wrong" (in comparison) by the time I was in second grade.
I could not bring kids to my house, I never knew if my father would treat them
the way he treated me. (abusive, angry, controlling, bullying, drunk.)

I spent decades looking for the right man, meaning I found alcoholics that were incapable of loving me (like my father) and became an alcoholic myself.
Drank for twenty years.

Please do the best you can for yourself and your daughter.
This is no way to grow up. I know.

You sound like a very strong woman.
That is excellent.
You will be a wonderful example for your daughter.

Sadly, my ex did the same thing your husband did.
He expected all 'wrongs' to be right because he went to rehab.
He was really a big baby who had tantrums if he did not get
sex on demand because "he admitted he was an alcoholic and
went to treatment."
You know his reason for drinking again?
Cause "you (meaning me) are still the same cold b*tch you were before"
His drinking was my fault.
Lucky for me, I went to treatment too, and I was learning that NOTHING
I did could cause another person to choose to abuse alcohol.
NOTHING.

I hope you find peace and serenity for yourself and your daughter.
I am sorry your husband is back at it, it is sad and such a waste.
But, making the choice to drink again after rehab?
Alcoholics are terrible parents, I had one and I was one.

Did your daughter know about the outpatient rehab?
Then he started drinking again in front of her too? on vacation?


Beth

HopefulinFLA

You are not the bad guy for leaving! If he's drinking again, and taking drugs, he's not really making an honest effort to stay clean and sober. Why should you and your daughter sacrifice yourselves for this? And most importantly, I think you have a responsibility to your daughter to bring her up in the healthiest environment possible, this isn't it.

You sound like a very strong woman!

stuckinfear

Thank you Wicked. Your ex sounds very similar to mine. The problem is that my AH is very high functioning, which I see some say makes no sense. But most people around him when he is drinking just think he is a funny, gregarious guy, everyone loves him. They don't see him when we go home and he lashes out at me, calls me crazy b--ch, i'm the reason he drinks, etc. AND my daughter does not see it. She is not afraid of him, he does treat her well. I hate her having friends over b/c he seems to want to be the center of attention with them when he is drinking, and it is disgusting, but they all just think he is funny.

She DOES know something is wrong in our marriage, in fact when we have a fight (which I try to never do in front of her, but of course he doesn't care), she comes to me begging me to forgive daddy. She has no idea he went to rehab, he told her he was going to classes at night, so she didn't know it was wrong for him to drink.

I did see my counselor this week and he affirmed my feelings were not wrong. He has seen my husband many times so knows his way of manipulating and deflecting.

I think I do have some codependency issues, so separating our lives together of 15 yrs is really hard. He actually has a huge wonderful family that we spend a lot of time with that I will truly miss. We have a large social circle that I probably will fall out of. Basically I have to make a new life, friends etc b/c of his problems. It really sucks.

But I know my daughter needs her mom back who is not sad and angry every day and who can show her that life should be joyful. I'm ok that I will be seen as the bad guy by her for a while, but she will see the reality someday. I don't want her to think that this is what marriage should be.

Thanks for all the replies.

dandylion

stuckinfear, after you are away from the conflict and chaos you will probably be amazed at how much your daughter notices the peace and lack of stress in the home! The next 5 or 6 yrs. are so critical for her.

dandylion

onefootoutdoor

Stuckinfear you remind me a lot of myself. I was going to leave my AH last year and still didn't, partly because he was the sole bread winner and I felt a bit stuck. However, I have had a job for 3 weeks now and I'm putting away money, which also allows him to put some money away, and we are going to be getting a divorce at the end of September, if I make it that long with his antics. He is supposed to be putting money away to get a place of his own, but he is really fighting me on the divorce. He says a lot of the same things....always deflecting the subject of his drinking onto faults of mine. He also blames me for being cold, and a b**** towards him.

I am standing my ground though because in all reality, I simply CAN NOT deal with the crap anymore. I'll go crazy and already am a little. My children don't need to listen to anymore fights and your daughter is the same. Our fights started out with the intention of shielding the kids, but over time it has escalated and they hear it. Like others here have stated, I truly believe it is in my children's best interest to get out of the madness of the alcohol. It is in YOUR AND YOUR CHILD'S best interest to get out of the madness.

I used to feel like you, in the fact that I thought I should try and help him, but you know what? I already have, and he has had his chances and now, like you, my feelings for him just are not there anymore. We tried marital counseling, but it really didn't help because the root of the problem is his drinking and until that is helped, the rest will not follow.

I didn't plan my life to go in this direction. Who does? I have learned that it is what it is and I have to deal with what is in front of me at this moment, and that is the case for you as well. I saw a quote somewhere on here that has helped me lots so I'm going to share it with you with this thought in mind...he has choices to make in life, the same as you, and you can't do it for him. The quote is "Don't let the things you can't contol in life, get in the way of the things you can."

The decision to end your relationship and forge a whole new life is not an easy one, and neither is stopping a dependence on alcohol and forging a whole new life. One of you has to make the decision, or nothing will change.

That's just my two cents, and it did take me awhile to really come around to that conclusion full force. It's not going to be easy actually getting it done, and I'm full of trepidation in the fact that I still have to go through with it, but right now I'm counting down the days and looking forward to a more peaceful existence. I hope you can see your way through to the right decision for you and your daughter as well. Good luck!

wicked

Yep.
You are doing the right thing.
Maybe later, if you think she could use the help, Alateen might be a good resource for her.
Or, just some counseling, where she could speak to someone that is ONLY for her.
I wish I had done something like that for my children,
I could have nipped some of my ex's childish ranting to the kids in the bud.
He had no problem making me the bad guy when they were visiting,
and he told them not to tell me, cause I would get mad.
Geez, what an ass he was!
My experience only. I had unreal expectations that my ex, once we got divorced,
would just be a good dad. He could be, but chose not to.

Beth

DragynLady

You are not responsible for his choices.

You are responsible for you. Nothing else. His decision to drink had nothing to do with you. It was his own demons. If you have already checked out of the relationship... then why are you still there? Fear? Worry? Love? The kids?

You know what you need to do. Now's the time to show yourself that you're worth more than a punching bag.

And show your daughter that it's not okay to accept this kind of behavior. What we're willing to put up with, our kids will be willing to put up with.

stuckinfear

I know you are all right in your encouragement. I know it too, logically. It is just taking that step and doing it. SO HARD. I think part of me was secretly hoping he would drink again so that I would be justified in leaving. B/c I thought since he had gone to rehab and stopped the drinking, everyone would think I should give him another chance since he stopped, right? That is what people think that have not lived in these shoes. So when he took that drink, then I thought, ok, now I have justification. When he was deep in the drinking, I used to keep a log of all the vodka bottles I found, like it was my evidence to my justification. It is all so crazy.
Luckily I have a stable career and make a decent income, so I do not have a financial problem in leaving. I know I am lucky in that regard, b/c i probably would never leave if i was dependent on him. I also secretly hoped he would just leave so I didn't have to do it. We have been to counseling, and I go individually. I have learned through my sessions that I am a fixer, a peacemaker, even as a child. So it is that person in me that wants to make everyones life okay. It is a heavy burden. But I am also a very strong, self sufficient person, so I know I can do it. Thank you all for your words. It gives me strength to know I am justified.

unsureoffuture

Sounds very familiar. I am in a very similar situation. My AH is still drinking some despite saying he would quit. He is very high functioning too and my kids don't see any of the effects yet. I have detached, saved money, visited attorneys too. I am moving towards leaving but not there 100 percent yet. My ah doesn't lash out or say angry things he retreats instead so it's like being married to a wall. We live very much like roommates. The hardest for me is the having to start over and the fact that I live in a 50/50 custody state so Adh will get half time with the kids and that scares me because I know it is a progressive disease. I am a fixer and peace maker too. Although i don't have any experience to offer you, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I admire all the people here who have been through it and are stronger and happier now. I keep focusing on me and feel I will know when the time is right.