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Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free



Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free

Old 08-06-2013, 10:19 PM
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Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement - Attach With Love - Partnership Drug Free

A Note On “Enabling” vs. Positive Reinforcement
By Jeffrey Foote, PhD
Posted on: Partnership For a Drug Free America

If you are a partner, parent or child of someone struggling with substance problems, and you live in America, you’ve probably heard this word “enabling” (possibly many, many times). And you’ve probably heard this described as central to your interactions in helping your loved one. Mostly, you have heard “DON’T DO IT”!, and if you are like most concerned family members, you feel vaguely guilty for doing something you’re not even sure you are doing (but you must be, right?).

By way of quick review, “enabling” actually means doing positive things that will end up supporting continued negative behavior, such as providing your child with money so they won’t “go hungry” during the day, knowing they use it to buy pot. Another example is going to talk to your child’s teacher to make sure she doesn’t get a bad grade, even though her bad test score was due to drinking. Or calling your husband’s work to explain he’s sick today, when he’s actually hung over.

These are examples of doing something “nice” for your loved one that actually (from a behavioral reinforcement standpoint) might increase the frequency of the negative behavior, not decrease it. The logic: if they act badly and nothing happens, or something good happens, this behavior is encouraged, even if what you are doing is “nice”. This IS enabling, and this is not helpful in changing behavior in a positive direction.

But everything nice is not enabling! And that’s the quicksand we have developed in our culture. Staying connected, rewarding positive behaviors with positivity, being caring and loving; these things are critical to positive change.

So what’s the difference? Positive reinforcement is doing “nice” things in response to positive behavior. Simple as that. When your loved one wakes up on time in the morning, when he takes his sister to school, when she texts you tell you she’ll be late, when he doesn’t smoke pot on Friday night, when he helps you make dinner instead of going for a quick drink with the boys on the way home. These are positive actions, and acknowledging them, rewarding them, being happy about them, is a GOOD thing, not enabling.

Enabling is a meaningful concept. It’s just overused to the point that families often feel their loving and caring is the problem. IT’S NOT! Caring about and staying connected in a helping way with someone dealing with substances is not only helpful, it’s one of the most powerful motivators for change.

To restate the slogan: Attach with love — just love the positive actions and step away from the negative.
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:17 AM
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Thank you - I struggle with the fine lines and this helps a little.
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Old 08-07-2013, 04:13 AM
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Caring about and staying connected in a helping way with someone dealing with substances is not only helpful, it’s one of the most powerful motivators for change.
I think I agreed with that article up to this point.

This was a motivator for change...for me! Staying connected to my son and his addiction almost cost me my life. I think we each need to look at our own situation and decide what is best for ourselves...regardless of if it is best for our addicted loved one.

I believe enabling is "doing for them what they can and should be doing for themselves". Encouraging positive actions, sure. Cheering them on when they do positive things? Indeed. Paying a price, emotionally, financially, or physically, that is harmful to us? Not on your life.

Sometimes staying is the answer. Sometimes leaving is. The decision should be based on what is helpful, healthy and wise for us. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let them figure it out all by themselves and pay the consequences for their mistakes.

Just my thoughts on a tricky topic.

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Old 08-07-2013, 04:26 AM
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Like Ann, I agree with the article up to a point. My loved one's addiction continues to suck him into a black hole, and the deeper he goes, the more I have to distance in order to stay sane - because I respect addiction enough to know that it will take me right along with it. And eventually addiction caused my son to isolate, so there you go.

All my life I have been cognizant of those little ways that one reinforces good behavior and reinforces bad behavior. As a parent, I think it did an okay job with that. But my kid experimented with drugs and got caught in addiction. By the time I realized that, he was 18 years old and was moving out.

So I agree with the author up to a point. But none of the wisdom he gives would have gotten my son to want to be drug-free. It was just too much fun for him....
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:36 AM
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I think most adults would find this method condesending. I can't quite picture the reaction if I praised my spouse for getting up on time in the morning and going to work. Or cooked his favorite meal because he didn't get loaded and steal grandmas jewelry over the weekend. Adults don't need to be praised or rewarded for just doing the right or responsible thing.

However, if someone knows that you deem them as being "lesser than" or if you want to keep them dependent on you, or looking to you for validation...then give it a try. Sort of like "look at you, you made potty in the toilet, such a big boy!" Or "give me your paw, good girl, you get a treat now".
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Old 08-07-2013, 07:08 AM
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Cynical One......I was waiting for your take on the article.....you didn't leave me waiting long. Love your direct, no nonsense style.

I tried to write my reactions to the article a few times but just couldn't get my thoughts down.

I understand what the article is saying but there is something about it that doesn't really hit the nail on the head. My dear husband described it best for me. Our son and his addiction dug a hole......a deep hole. My husband said "don't go down in that hole with him and try to carry him out.....you'll both be stuck in the hole. I'll lose you both. Stand at the top of the hole.....he'll see you there. When he stops digging, throw him a rope."

My husband is educated (BS from a private university) but he doesn't have pHD behind his name. He grew up on a cattle ranch. His practical version of this made more sense to me than the article did.

I spent a lot of time down in the hole with my son (enabling). Things didn't get better until I climbed OUT and HE decided to stop digging (he got sick and tired of being sick and tired). Then yes.....I was there, rope in hand.......HE climbed out.

I'm not naive. I know that at any time.....he can decide to climb right back down there and start digging again but until/unless that happens, I'm not going to worry about it. God has him.

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Old 08-07-2013, 07:55 AM
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All I could think about while reading this article is dog training. I use these same techniques in training a series of foster dogs as well as my own. Often the dogs are very poorly behaved, and I pride myself on using only positive reinforcement to modify existing behavior. While the scenarios are sometimes analogous to human behavior, and while I often joke about using these techniques on my fiance to get him to pick up his socks, actually believing and employing this type of behavioral modification on a grown adult strikes me as a bit insulting, at best.

As an aside, exchanging certain favors for sock cleanup certainly does work, but sometimes it's far easier to just pick up the damned socks.
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:07 AM
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allforcnm, thank you for posting this. I also appreciate much of the commentary as well. It sort of rounds out the picture of what the article is lacking. I have had a hard time deciphering the difference between loving and supporting and enabling and at this point have just cut off ABF, but I was almost even afraid to tell him I loved him the first time I spoke to him after his detox because I didn't want to give him false hope, thinking he could come right home.

I understand that everyone's situation is unique and what works for you may not work for me and vice-versa.

Kindeyes - a question for you: When your son was ready to climb out, what did your rope consist of?
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:22 AM
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what disturbs me most about this line of "treat training" is how INVOLVED it keeps the spouse or partner. right smack in the middle of the addict's recovery. from the moment they get up apparently. now instead of hiding the debit card and the car keys, if they BEHAVE they might just get an allowance or some ice cream.

I AM all for a well meant thank you or acknowledgement....hey thanks for doing the dishes while I was shopping....I noticed you emptied the recycle, thank you.....dang honey, the yard looked great when i pulled in today, that's just common courtesy.
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:40 AM
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Kindeyes - a question for you: When your son was ready to climb out, what did your rope consist of?
You missed the point....the rope isn't the important part......the fact that he stopped digging is.

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Old 08-07-2013, 09:42 AM
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No - I didn't miss it. I'm just wondering how is best to help without falling into being an enabler again. Perhaps you can't enable if they've stopped digging? For example, my boyfriend spent 1 week in detox and is trying to straighten things out. He has a long road ahead - but I want to help and be supportive - but I'm not sure how to do that without enabling.
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Old 08-07-2013, 09:42 AM
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What I got from the article, and something I struggle with in regards to detaching, is figuring out what is enabling and what is just being a good spouse/parent/sibling/friend......... As far as some of the verbage I didn't toally agree with it, I don't need to scratch my AH behind the ears because he got his dirty clothes in the hamper this time. But at the same time, saying thank you for helping to clean the house is OK. Thanking him for not being a drunken idiot this evening is not OK. It seems there is a very fine line, almost razor sharp, between enabling and not enabling so any additional clarification I can gleen is helpful to say the least. The best I've been able to muster is to just act like the addiction doesn't exist and his behavior is what is addressed when he does something that I'm not OK with so the conversation goes "When you throw a fit because the show you wanted to watch didn't record is really not an OK reaction" instead of "You're drunk and acting like a two year old. Grow the eff up already". I may be missing the mark again but this wouldn't be the first time that's happened
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Old 08-07-2013, 10:06 AM
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A Phd after someone's names does not impress me in the least anymore. In fact, I had to laugh a little when I heard Dr. Drew refer to himself as a codependent. IMO, Jeffrey Foot, Phd feeds philosophy into codependency because he probably is as well.

Oh denial......it is such a dangerous thing.
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Old 08-07-2013, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
You missed the point....the rope isn't the important part......the fact that he stopped digging is.

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Kindeyes, that is one of the wisest, clearest pieces of recovery I have ever read here. Thank you...really, from the bottom on my heart.
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:05 PM
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Great discussion. Appreciate Allforcnm for starting and really useful adds from the other posters. To me "Not enabling" does not mean treating our challenged loved ones harshly or disrespectfully. Of course they need to be treated differently because of their addiction. Addiction is a mal-adaptation to life. Positive reinforcement for positive actions and allowing natural consequences for negative actions seem to make logical sense. Each situation is different. Addiction may be mild, moderate or severe. The age and maturity of the addicts matters as well.

In my case my son is 21. He has not achieved the maturity of a normal adult because of his drug use which started in his early teens. I try my best not to enable and asked him to leave our house because of his use, but still maintain some communication with him and let him know regularly that "when he stops digging", I am still here to help him.

It is of course possible that he continues digging and our communication will then become difficult and eventually cease. Hope for better things but be prepared for worse things.
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:03 PM
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Thank you for posting the article as I have been struggling to find answers to dealing with my husbands addiction and right now for me this makes the most sense, and its along the lines of other things Ive been reading especially things I was given by the addiction specialist when I went to see him. He told me to keep talking to my husband, and in terms of this article what he meant was stay attached with love. Get involved in the recovery process; make it acceptable, approachable to my husband.

Talking to the doctor has made a lot of sense to me, and that is why Ive been posting lately trying to see others perspectives on how they handle all this, because some seem so in conflict with the advice I was given and I cant help but feel it comes down to new ideas being in conflict with a big portion of the older methods of handling addiction that trace back to AA and al anon, but what the heck does that mean? Nothing as far as I’m concerned because their methods haven’t been able to gain credibility with me at this point. I think there is a time and place for Detaching with love, but at the very least I don’t think it is the initial answer for dealing with situations where you still have positive connectivity between people in a relationship or family.

When I first came here the problem was my husband going out on Fridays after work, getting drugs, going big all weekend. It was affecting me and our relationship. The doctor said by concealing how all this was affecting me, and our relationship that I was enabling him because I wasn’t letting him know there were negative consequences to his actions and that he was damaging our relationship. Made sense, and I talked to him when the time was right. He has since stopped that behavior. He is not perfect, he is still using, but he made a positive change. He gave up something that was pleasurable to him & his drug afflicted mind. It’s a good thing to tell him that I realize he made an effort. And its also ok to tell him when he came home early and we went out to dinner and saw a movie that I had a good time, and I enjoy his company. Some of that is normal love, caring, support, and some is making an extra effort to see a person is struggling and recognize the challenges they face. Maybe part of it is realizing an addict is a person is sick with an addiction, and they face physical, mental, emotional challenges because of this. If I acted like a condescending wife and clapped my hands when he got up to go to work in the morning, for my husband that would be stupid. He is functional and gets up everyday to go to work. But if he was suffering from withdrawals and he still pushed himself to get up and go to work, then I can see where it would be encouraging to share I was proud of his effort. I think it is all in how you apply it, and what your situation is to begin with.
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:22 PM
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IMO, the best advice doesn't come from the medical community or anyone making a profit, but comes directly from the RAs that post here, the ones I have met or heard speak.

Anvil, Nytepassion, Impurfect, Laurie, to name just a few, share their ES&H with such honesty and courage. They have accomplished was so many can't and they know what it took for them to find recovery. I can't thank them enough for sharing their experience with us.

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Old 08-07-2013, 04:09 PM
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I think this is a great topic and thank Allforcnm for posting it and to all who have responded. I too have struggled with how to deal with my son since he has been in recovery. I've sort of adopted the same strategy as Fedupbeyondall who stated: just act like the addiction doesn't exist. I don't want my son to think he is special because he has addiction issues or think he will be treated any differently than his non addict brother or sister. I don't congratulate him for bring able to make rent or for working or anything along those lines. When I do things for him, like inviting him over for dinner or giving him baseball tickets I've got for free, he knows his siblings have also been extended the same. And before I say or do anything, I always ask myself would I handle whatever in the same fashion with his brother or sister. If the answer is no, I don't do it.
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Old 08-08-2013, 02:41 PM
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Thank you for posting this allforcnm, since I have been here you have become one of my favorite posters. I was feeling so down weeks ago and you posted something and I printed it out and have read it over and over. This article is very helpful also because I do have some things to learn about enabling I guess even though my husband is in rehab right now. I really hate all the negative approaches to dealing with this stuff. I have been reading books for a few weeks, and even some of the rehab stories are disturbing because they seem to treat people with so much disrespect, and have ideas that people need to be punished instead of healed. My husbands rehab is not like that for sure, but there are some weird ideas out there.
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Old 10-25-2013, 09:50 PM
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PBIS is also a nice campaign which is taking place nowadays. It has been implemented in many schools and clubs to teach positive behavior towards life. Many schools are taking part in this to train their teacher so that they can implement this program for the kids. It will help to lead the positivity in their attitude and behavior and also help to become strong in the academic ground.
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