mmk11

I don't know how to respond when an A either puts me on the defensive, subtley cuts me down, or sucks me into some inane argument. Their unpredictability makes me anxious b/c I know how quickly an A can turn on me, whether s/he is downright mean, was "joking around"/"giving me a hard time", or trying to embarass me in front of others.

I just hate it when an A catches me off guard. Funny how A's can do something sh*tty, but when I react to it, then I'm the bad guy; the A just sulks, pouts, acts indignant - then I end up apologizing for my behavior and get absolutely nothing in return. Once something like that happens, my anger builds and the negative energy just eats me alive.

So, how do you all deflect the critisicm, blame, and avoid defending yourself and getting into trivial arguments with an A? What do you say to the A in these situations?

amy55

I didn't know how to do this when I was married, because they always seem to find the thorn that will really stick you and make you want to react.

I think now, I would just say "sorry you feel that way, I am not going to debate you on this" and then you just walk away. Preferably get out of the house if he tends to follow to continue to pick a fight. or a quick aha, ok, and then leave

LexieCat

Yawning strategically is a useful skill.

pravchaw

Or making yourself scarce. It takes two to tango.

Recovering2

This is the perfect post for me to read right now! I've done so well for so long, but slipped this weekend. Felt the need to talk about where we are with things (RABF is currently 8 months sober). Just haven't been feeling like he's putting any effort into the relationship at all. Found it all turned around on me, without talking about us at all. I ended up getting upset, which was then the excuse he needed to shut down. UGH. I KNOW not to get pulled in like that!

This is why I keep going to AlAnon. Helps me find my center again when I get knocked off kilter. Need to practice strategic yawning.

thislonelygirl

If I can I ignore or say nothing. Just. Listen . even thats hard and the qay an my ah. Acts will infuriate me so horribly bad ...when. i have responded. Im. Always apologizing when I shouldnt be just to stop the conversation

dandylion

Could you be more specific?

dandylion

Wavy

I either try to ignore him or say non-engaging things such as "that's your opinion" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "right", just something that acknowledges he's spoken (otherwise we get into the whole "why are you ignoring me" debate), but that doesn't give any weight the the things he's said, you are neither saying they are right or wrong. Sometimes its easy, when he says such outrageous things that its clear they warrant not attention. Its harder when they are things that hit a raw nerve with you, that make you wonder if there is any truth in what they are saying. But if they are not willing to discuss that issue with you in a nice way, its not worth wasting the energy over in a conversation that you know is going to get turned around and manipulated anyway.

PippiLngstockng

Towards the end of a long marriage, ignoring, yawning, avoiding - would drive AH nuts. He would desperately seek to say the cruelest, most painful things to hurt me cause he wanted a reaction. Then he would trap me and push me to keep the fight alive.

So I got help. Restraining order, separation leading to inevitable divorce.

Alcoholism is progressive and so is abuse.

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nse-blame.html

This thread might help....lots of great suggestions on how to handle the blame-filled conversations with an active alcoholic or addict.

POAndrea

My mother picked up the BEST all-purpose responses to insulting, inflammatory, or provocative statements while at finishing school in the early 50's. Coupled with a sweet smile or a thoughtful expression, "How nice for you" and "How interesting" can be very effective in shutting this sort of stuff down. I'm not as good at it as she is (drat that Resting B:tchy Face!) but I've found it's good with the AH.

Hammer

I tell her that it (whatever it is) sounds like something she should talk to her sponsor about.

So I guess she does. At any rate it shuts it down and gets me out of it.

Her sponsor is a bit of an ahole at times.

So I figure they must deserve each other.

God is funny that way.

hmmmm, must deserve each other . . . and a bit of an ahole. Reminds me of someone I meet in the mirror from time-to-time. Maybe THAT is why He sent me Mrs. Hammer.

God is funny that way, too.

PurpleWilder

One of my sponsors told me to look at their face and imagine it framed by a window. Now, imagine that window is the window of an insane asylum. Helps to put it into perspective.

She also said the more you talk, the less they think. I always loved that one.

healthyagain

For some reason, my AH likes to nag about the house chores. You would think that I am the sloppiest, dirtiest female on this planet. But no . . . this is only his way of pushing my buttons. So, I wash those dirty dishes to perfection, following his procedure, step-by-step. It takes me only 15 minutes a day. Do you think he really notices it?

For example, yesterday, I washed the dishes, washed the laundry, got some groceries for lunch, made lunch, baked some cookies, cleaned the apartment (and just to illustrate how our place is dirty, I only had to dust the living room). And you know what happened? Nothing. He was moody again, and I ended sleeping in that sparkling clean living room.

You see, last Saturday, we had a pretty big argument about his drinking in the morning. I caught him lying. This is why he is so moody. He cannot drink behind my back. This Saturday, however, he decided to sleep through the morning. Am I upset? Not really. Was I expecting this? Absolutely.

So, ignore him. It is irrelevant what you do or say. Learning not to give a damn about his criticism helps. It is just babble, babble, babble anyway.

neferkamichael

How about provoking him sometimes, beat him to the punch. Quit aplogizing, defending yourself is only natural. Rootin for ya.

DoubleBarrel

An image that I really love was described to me in therapy years ago.

"Like water off a ducks back."

And when I am being healthy, and in a good place in my own head, it doesn't matter what is said, it rolls right off, and I just chuckle, seeing it for the lame attempt to rile me that it is.

lizw

I'm going thru a learning curve with a new partner. Turns out most couples lovingly kid around with each other. Is a totally new thing for me. Especially coming from relationships with A's and I notice my frame of mind effects how I respond to my partners teasing. If I am feeling good, I laugh and see the funny side of it, if I am not so good I get defensive a and paranoid.

This thread reminds me of something I heard years ago in al anon 'you can be invited to the war, but you don't have to go'.