akalacha

My XA left a year ago. We had been living apart for over a year before he finally left to get treatment for his alcoholism. Six months after he left i met and eventually fell in love with a wonderful man. Then XA returned to the area. We have stayed in contact since he left a year ago. We see each other regularly on a friendly basis since he has returned. He is eleven months sober and I am beginning to see the man I fell in love with all those years ago. I absolutely love the new man in my life. He is respectful, considerate, generous, funny. And most of all, not an addict of any kind. Yet XA and i were together for so long and have so much history together before the drinking took over. I am very happy that we are able to be friends. Sometimes i wonder if we could be together again. Then I remind myself that i don't ever want to go through that hell of the last two years with him again. Sure, he's sober now, but what if he relapses? And I remind myself that i have a great man in my life now. We live in a small village where NC would be impossible. And i really do enjoy his fcompany now that he's sober. Has anyone here been able to maintain a friendship with an XA?

suki44883

Well, I have, but we live in a large city and don't see each other very often. We were on-and-off for several years, but not for at least 10 years now. He is with a wonderful woman now and I'm very happy for him.

I'm not sure how it would work in a small village. I would think it might be difficult if you aren't firmly sure in your mind that your relationship with him is over.

funkynassau

Well I have a sort of similar issue, but with no romance involved. I had an alcoholic friend in the next town over, about 5 miles away. We were fairly good friends for 18 months but his drinking really wore me down, I just didnt deal well with the problems the beer presented. I had to walk away from him, knowing it's going to be impossible to avoid him due to the small town factor. So far I've been able to avoid him but my luck will run out one of these days.

If I was you I'd stick with the new guy. Drunks cause too many problems even if they have sobered up, nobody can guarantee sobriety for life.

akalacha

Oh yeah, I definitely plan to stick with the new guy. I'm just wondering if/hoping that it may be possible to maintain a friendly relationship with my X.

suki44883

Does your current man know about your ex? Does he know you want to keep a friendship with your ex? How does he feel about that? If he doesn't know, how do you think he'd feel if he found out?

You don't have to answer these questions here...just some things to think about.

Recovering2

The fact that you wonder if you could be together again tells me this guy is not going to be healthy for you in your current relationship. If you definitely plan on sticking with the new guy, then I think in fairness to him you may want to keep distance between you and the XA.

dandylion

I have been able to be friends---only if there is absolutely no romantic inclination AT ALL for either party. It means that each of us has moved on in our intimate lives. I am very good friends with my ex husband---but can't even imagine living with him again--ugh!

When I have tried to be friends and they still had a little "spark" for me---utter disaster. It just doesn't work.

My advice to you (if you want it)---leave well enough alone because you have fantasized about being with him again. Red flag.


dandylion

dandylion

LexieCat

I'm still VERY close friends with my first husband--I stay with him and his wife when I visit my kids. He was in the area a week ago and stopped by to take me out to lunch for my birthday. There is NO "spark" there, just honestly deep friendship.

So it can work, but the fact that you feel that "spark" is a little bit of a warning sign. You might be playing with fire. If I were you, I'd keep my distance until any spark is completely gone.

akalacha

UPDATE
I´m happy to say that XA and I have managed to stay friends. New guy knows all about XA and is cool with me seeing him on occasion. We had a party recently and I invited XA. He and new guy actually had a friendly conversation about antique cars. I enjoyed seeing the X but seeing him and the new guy at the same time was a real eye-opener. It doused any sparks I may have had for XA. I´m glad XA is managing to stay sober. I´m glad we are able to be friendly and spend time together now and then. I´m glad ¨our¨ dog gets to spend time with him every few weeks for a day or two. I enjoy talking with him about books, art, etc. It´s great to still have the man that I once shared my life with still be a small part of my life. But mostly I´m glad to have a man in my life (new, or not so new anymore BF) who cares about and respects me, and shows it. Thanks all for your concern, I think I´m going to be OK with this.

Hammer

Might be nice if you do the same.

Hawkeye13

I agree with this. The "excitement" of the first man and whether he will be sober long-term or not may be a temptation compared to the solid predictable guy. It sounds like you still have an attraction to guy number 1 also, but you say you aren't availiable. Not fair to either man or yourself in my opinion.

Good luck~glad you saw them both at a party together to get clear on what both have to offer.

atalose

Since you don't share children together with the xbf the necessity of maintaining a close friendship is not there. Sure it's nice BUT your heart questions that "what if".

I can't help but think: Alcohol is an alcoholics trigger, drugs are a drug addicts trigger and relationships are a codependents trigger.

Reminds me of the alcoholic trying to get sober with the hidden bottle of booze- just in case! You kind of have a hidden relationship - just in case! just saying......

dandylion

Welllll, I think it all depends of the individuals in a situation like this. Today, it is quite common to see extended--blended families. Where people are maintaining friendly and civil relationships with Ex's. We see Ex's and new partners of all kinds sharing holidays and special events. To me, this says that it is POSSIBLE.

If alalacha says that "the thrill is gone"---I accept what she says.

I'm not saying that this is possible for everyone---for many probably most) it would be
impossible--but, not for all.

dandylion

readerbaby71

That's a bit judgmental, wouldn't you say, Hammer? If her current BF is okay with it and so is everyone else involved I don't see a problem.

Hammer

If taken so. I consider it more cautionary.

New guy may just be a cool hand stepping back saying wtf?

Seems folks find their priorities and act accordingly.

akalacha

¨Might be nice if you do the same.¨

Hammer, but I do! I would not do anything to hurt or disrespect the most important man in my life. He is still friendly with his ex, maybe that´s why he understands XA and I can be friends even after the romance is over. And it IS over. As dandylion said, it might not be possible for everyone but it´s working for us.

WeTheLiving

Maybe you are addicted to the excited misery of being with an alcoholic, the drama keeps you hooked, the new guy who is a normie, he's just nice and predictable, no drama there, maybe even a bit boring, but you crave the excited misery that comes with the relationship with the alcoholic. As they say, it's hard to leave an alcoholic.