Diary of a Mad Cow
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Diary of a Mad Cow Why Being Pathetic Lush for 30 Years Is Total No My Fault, by Cow
Was classic train derailment, textbook spiral of dysfunctions. Molested by dad at 9, obese by 11, anorexic by 13, bulimic cutter by 15, alcoholic by 17, throw in stimulant drugs by 18, party like it 1999 for next 10 years, near death OD on meth at 28. OD blow out my brain, heart and nervous system, and leave me almost bed-ridden disable for two years. Lose everything and end up in living in scary ass trailer park! Till then, was always very functional, graduate college with honors and get good job as entertainment writer. Not really know how I survive two years after my OD as was very brutal with seizures, panic attack and no air conditioning in LA! At some point I start writing again from home. Build back good career but career design to stay sick. Work mostly at home in industry that total accept and not question using, as long as you can produce. Now I gonna be 50 soon. Is unbelievable to me, I spend entire adult life altered and addicted. I not even remember most my life. I has no idea of what it is to be ‘normal’ person.
Alcohol work for me for long time, like 10 years, was just party oblivion but I wanted that. After OD, was not same, was like my brain no longer capable to make whatever chemicals it need to feel enjoyment of anything. This has get worse over years. I diagnose as severe anhedonic. This make getting sober so hard, because it not feel much better when I abstains. And also because I has codependency on caffeine which I use to make brain feel ‘awake and alive.’ But I not can really tolerate any stimulants and caffeine always end up in mania and booze. Is entwined.
I has done almost every traditional and alternative therapy you can list. From Rx drugs & psychotherapy to Chinese Medicine to sweat lodge to Soul freaking Retrieval! And I not even believe in soul! Spend lot of money and is therapized up one side and down other. Try AA for whole year, but as atheist, is just too much God/Higher Power for me. Plus, I not at all interest to do steps and list faults and make apologies. My family was crap, and mostly only person I ever hurt was myself. Also not wanting to dwell in past. I start out with addictions very young for coping for sure, but now I feel my using is physiological, for attempt to attenuate and modulate my brain. I not use because I get emotional or ‘triggered.’ I not tolerate most medication or supplement. Brain is total sensitive after my OD to even slightest thing and can have crazy response to even benign thing like spices. I no longer willing to try any anti-depressants or other Rx because can set brain back for long time. I feel like I has to accept brain is FUBAR and I probable never be normal. But I still would rather be sober melancholic than live entire life in boozy seclusion. What I always says to myself is: If you get sober is maybe 0.1% chance you maybe feel little bit good someday again. If you not get sober is 0.0% chance. So if nothing else, go with odds! Easier said then done, yes?
Typical Day: Wake up feeling not sharp, no energy, stunted mind. Have work to do, convince self is necessary thing to go get coffee to come alive. Get bunch of stuff done, but then brain slide into mania and DEMAND wine to come down. Is almost untenable to resist once mania brain has hit. Sometime I go super crazy. Go get bottle of wine, pour half out, drink other half, not enough, maybe one more glass, DRIVE out, get other bottle, poor most out, has the one more glass, oops, still not enough, DRIVE OUT AGAIN get other bottle, this time not pour any out and end up drinking whole thing. Lather, rinse, repeat. Hundreds of time I throw out all paraphernalia: coffee cups, wine glass, expensive opener –only to purchase again within next couple days. At some point I so promises myself that I NOT BUY TOOLS again, that I start stealing opener from grocery. Because I not buying it, you see! Then I toss in garbage, like it never happen. Cuz was just that one time. Only I does this like 50 time! OMG! I freaking drunk driving shoplifter! Is become total madness, and I seeing my life become smaller and smaller. Giving up thing that I know good for me, like cultural activity, exercise, friends. I just staying in house, using, covering. I not even caring about health or hygeine. Sometime I push and go to event that I use to enjoy, like symphony, but I feel nothing, and that is the worse, so depressing! Is like, yep, you total dead inside! So I think maybe is better to stay away, but truth is, I not really give my brain chance to maybe feel better.
At this point I not trust self, anything I says, or promises, this would be stupid. I have ‘desire’ to quit, yes, or maybe has been downgraded to more like a fantasy. Is I doing my best? I not able to determine that cuz my brain has mind of its own. Is gonna be epic battle of interiors and I welcomes any advices, supports or insights.
Was classic train derailment, textbook spiral of dysfunctions. Molested by dad at 9, obese by 11, anorexic by 13, bulimic cutter by 15, alcoholic by 17, throw in stimulant drugs by 18, party like it 1999 for next 10 years, near death OD on meth at 28. OD blow out my brain, heart and nervous system, and leave me almost bed-ridden disable for two years. Lose everything and end up in living in scary ass trailer park! Till then, was always very functional, graduate college with honors and get good job as entertainment writer. Not really know how I survive two years after my OD as was very brutal with seizures, panic attack and no air conditioning in LA! At some point I start writing again from home. Build back good career but career design to stay sick. Work mostly at home in industry that total accept and not question using, as long as you can produce. Now I gonna be 50 soon. Is unbelievable to me, I spend entire adult life altered and addicted. I not even remember most my life. I has no idea of what it is to be ‘normal’ person.
Alcohol work for me for long time, like 10 years, was just party oblivion but I wanted that. After OD, was not same, was like my brain no longer capable to make whatever chemicals it need to feel enjoyment of anything. This has get worse over years. I diagnose as severe anhedonic. This make getting sober so hard, because it not feel much better when I abstains. And also because I has codependency on caffeine which I use to make brain feel ‘awake and alive.’ But I not can really tolerate any stimulants and caffeine always end up in mania and booze. Is entwined.
I has done almost every traditional and alternative therapy you can list. From Rx drugs & psychotherapy to Chinese Medicine to sweat lodge to Soul freaking Retrieval! And I not even believe in soul! Spend lot of money and is therapized up one side and down other. Try AA for whole year, but as atheist, is just too much God/Higher Power for me. Plus, I not at all interest to do steps and list faults and make apologies. My family was crap, and mostly only person I ever hurt was myself. Also not wanting to dwell in past. I start out with addictions very young for coping for sure, but now I feel my using is physiological, for attempt to attenuate and modulate my brain. I not use because I get emotional or ‘triggered.’ I not tolerate most medication or supplement. Brain is total sensitive after my OD to even slightest thing and can have crazy response to even benign thing like spices. I no longer willing to try any anti-depressants or other Rx because can set brain back for long time. I feel like I has to accept brain is FUBAR and I probable never be normal. But I still would rather be sober melancholic than live entire life in boozy seclusion. What I always says to myself is: If you get sober is maybe 0.1% chance you maybe feel little bit good someday again. If you not get sober is 0.0% chance. So if nothing else, go with odds! Easier said then done, yes?
Typical Day: Wake up feeling not sharp, no energy, stunted mind. Have work to do, convince self is necessary thing to go get coffee to come alive. Get bunch of stuff done, but then brain slide into mania and DEMAND wine to come down. Is almost untenable to resist once mania brain has hit. Sometime I go super crazy. Go get bottle of wine, pour half out, drink other half, not enough, maybe one more glass, DRIVE out, get other bottle, poor most out, has the one more glass, oops, still not enough, DRIVE OUT AGAIN get other bottle, this time not pour any out and end up drinking whole thing. Lather, rinse, repeat. Hundreds of time I throw out all paraphernalia: coffee cups, wine glass, expensive opener –only to purchase again within next couple days. At some point I so promises myself that I NOT BUY TOOLS again, that I start stealing opener from grocery. Because I not buying it, you see! Then I toss in garbage, like it never happen. Cuz was just that one time. Only I does this like 50 time! OMG! I freaking drunk driving shoplifter! Is become total madness, and I seeing my life become smaller and smaller. Giving up thing that I know good for me, like cultural activity, exercise, friends. I just staying in house, using, covering. I not even caring about health or hygeine. Sometime I push and go to event that I use to enjoy, like symphony, but I feel nothing, and that is the worse, so depressing! Is like, yep, you total dead inside! So I think maybe is better to stay away, but truth is, I not really give my brain chance to maybe feel better.
At this point I not trust self, anything I says, or promises, this would be stupid. I have ‘desire’ to quit, yes, or maybe has been downgraded to more like a fantasy. Is I doing my best? I not able to determine that cuz my brain has mind of its own. Is gonna be epic battle of interiors and I welcomes any advices, supports or insights.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
If you get sober is maybe 0.1% chance you maybe feel little bit good someday again. If you not get sober is 0.0% chance. So if nothing else, go with odds! Easier said then done, yes?
I figured if 0.1% chance was all I had, it was better than being dead.
I gave it all I had - it was my one little faint ray of light in the blacknesss - and I got through it, back to the sunshine...damaged a little maybe but alive and whole...and a lot better than drunk me was.
I'm sure you can do it too Cow
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
My world got smaller and smaller too, when I was drinking. Alcoholism robs you of everything good in your life. But, have faith and hope that you can stop drinking and begin to recover.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day 1: AKA, What the hell was that?!
No, I not drink, but I end up having retro dysfunction flashback and eat all the ice cream in freezer and then purge. On bright side, all sugar is out of house now. I hope I not start playing addiction roulette. Anyways, I so tired I have to take nap in middle of day and feel all cloudy brain which make it hard to work.
I total gonna need strict plan for eating. No caffeine, no sugar, no heavy or big meal that make me sleepy, because then I very much want stimulant. And any stimulant end with me face down in bottle of Malbec. I think small frequent meal of protein with salad or veg. Yay -not! But I about 15 pound overweight anyway, being that I just been a boozing/eating sloth like Jabba the Hut for years. Maybe clean diet help get me back to, well, not "fighting shape" but at least maybe "gingerly walking about shape."
No, I not drink, but I end up having retro dysfunction flashback and eat all the ice cream in freezer and then purge. On bright side, all sugar is out of house now. I hope I not start playing addiction roulette. Anyways, I so tired I have to take nap in middle of day and feel all cloudy brain which make it hard to work.
I total gonna need strict plan for eating. No caffeine, no sugar, no heavy or big meal that make me sleepy, because then I very much want stimulant. And any stimulant end with me face down in bottle of Malbec. I think small frequent meal of protein with salad or veg. Yay -not! But I about 15 pound overweight anyway, being that I just been a boozing/eating sloth like Jabba the Hut for years. Maybe clean diet help get me back to, well, not "fighting shape" but at least maybe "gingerly walking about shape."
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,559
Cow, your sense of humor is certainly intact. You sound very far from dead inside. 
I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I hope being here will help lead you to a better life. Please keep posting - we care.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I hope being here will help lead you to a better life. Please keep posting - we care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
I read your post with a clear sense of your emotional arrest and distress at past events which have made sober life very challenging for you. It may be a long time before you regain any sense of "normal" but your brain is not FUBAR (haha - I love it; had to google this one) as long as you can breathe, walk, talk, write, process emotions or recognize you feel nothing. I have been in a similar state for a few years. My thinking, my memories and especially my attention span and ability to learn have been affected by my drug and alcohol use. Perhaps we gamble on that 1% chance and go from there? Still better than the old life we had.
I enjoyed your post. I hope to read more from you in the near future.
I enjoyed your post. I hope to read more from you in the near future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Hi Cow! I too hope you stay here and keep posting. I have tried many times to walk away and start anew. All past times I have failed. Today marks one week again. The longest I have gone has been 12 days. I know all too well what it means to find myself face down in a bottle of Malbec... as well as the floor... It really is no fun!!! Stay strong and stay here!!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day 0: Not Entirely Resounding Success Today, AKA, OMG! I Total Failure!
How I go from Day 1 to Day 0? Well, since I not Superman and can no fly backward around sun and reverse time, I guess we all know it mean I not stay sober today. But wait! Let me provide some excellent excuses and rationalizations and such.
First, I wake up in dull, agitated brain state. I know this is troubles, so I force self to stay in bed, contemplating with self, for like whole hour. “What you gonna do when foot hit floor, buster? Cuz we not leaving this bed until I has some assurances you not going AWOL.” Then finally I has to get up because I on copy deadline for tomorrow. So, like big blank Borg, I just get up and go straight out and get coffee, knowing full well caffeine is gonna stimulate and percolate until I ends up with the crazy manic brain. To be fair, crazy manic brain can get LOT done. Sure, it totally over chatty, but it have excellent work ethic, even putting away laundries that sitting there for like a month. But, it has it price. And price is untenable compulsion to drink. Resistance is futile!
Okay, let see, is any more excuses I can offer, oh yes, I start my period which make me extra mental. (Sorry menstrually sensitive folk!) Okay end of excuses. But wait! Here is where I try to make it sound like total failure not that bad! First, I only get small coffee, not large, no sir, not the big boy, the small! Plus while I did drink entire bottle of wine, I not go total insane and go out and get more wine. But still, I drink more than was “needed” to sooth crazy brain. I did with purpose to slide into that slightly drunk place. Hey! If I already blow it, why not BLOW IT OUT! But at least I not blow it to smithereens, yes? Wow, I can almost hear you cheers and applause as I type this.
Here is thing I always say to self, “If nothing ever changes, then nothing will ever change.” Today, was same ol’ same ol’ for Cow. Alright, so tomorrow is new day.
Oh, I also wish to make clear about something. I not flippant about my condition. I know I make lot of joke and sarcasm. But I have pretty craptastic life from very young age and develop detach observational comic perspective as survival tool for my mind. Has been there since I can remember. Otherwise, I just feckless and futile and morbid. So I maybe make fun, but I not making light. Is life and death for me. I know that. I not over here laughing about my addictions. In truth, I a severe anhedonic and can no even remember last time I laugh about anything. So it more of a Sad Clown situation. Is same with lot of people in my industry. Lot of comics is most flat-line depress people you ever meet.
PS. I wish to thank very much everyone who comment with word of encouragement or empathies. Is mean very much to me and I looking in on you also to get to know you better and will begin to comment more with you when I feel is okay with my personality to do so. Sometime people is offend by my personality, because I does tend to be total wise ass.
How I go from Day 1 to Day 0? Well, since I not Superman and can no fly backward around sun and reverse time, I guess we all know it mean I not stay sober today. But wait! Let me provide some excellent excuses and rationalizations and such.
First, I wake up in dull, agitated brain state. I know this is troubles, so I force self to stay in bed, contemplating with self, for like whole hour. “What you gonna do when foot hit floor, buster? Cuz we not leaving this bed until I has some assurances you not going AWOL.” Then finally I has to get up because I on copy deadline for tomorrow. So, like big blank Borg, I just get up and go straight out and get coffee, knowing full well caffeine is gonna stimulate and percolate until I ends up with the crazy manic brain. To be fair, crazy manic brain can get LOT done. Sure, it totally over chatty, but it have excellent work ethic, even putting away laundries that sitting there for like a month. But, it has it price. And price is untenable compulsion to drink. Resistance is futile!
Okay, let see, is any more excuses I can offer, oh yes, I start my period which make me extra mental. (Sorry menstrually sensitive folk!) Okay end of excuses. But wait! Here is where I try to make it sound like total failure not that bad! First, I only get small coffee, not large, no sir, not the big boy, the small! Plus while I did drink entire bottle of wine, I not go total insane and go out and get more wine. But still, I drink more than was “needed” to sooth crazy brain. I did with purpose to slide into that slightly drunk place. Hey! If I already blow it, why not BLOW IT OUT! But at least I not blow it to smithereens, yes? Wow, I can almost hear you cheers and applause as I type this.
Here is thing I always say to self, “If nothing ever changes, then nothing will ever change.” Today, was same ol’ same ol’ for Cow. Alright, so tomorrow is new day.
Oh, I also wish to make clear about something. I not flippant about my condition. I know I make lot of joke and sarcasm. But I have pretty craptastic life from very young age and develop detach observational comic perspective as survival tool for my mind. Has been there since I can remember. Otherwise, I just feckless and futile and morbid. So I maybe make fun, but I not making light. Is life and death for me. I know that. I not over here laughing about my addictions. In truth, I a severe anhedonic and can no even remember last time I laugh about anything. So it more of a Sad Clown situation. Is same with lot of people in my industry. Lot of comics is most flat-line depress people you ever meet.
PS. I wish to thank very much everyone who comment with word of encouragement or empathies. Is mean very much to me and I looking in on you also to get to know you better and will begin to comment more with you when I feel is okay with my personality to do so. Sometime people is offend by my personality, because I does tend to be total wise ass.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 241
Hi Cow,
Thanks so much for sharing with us and I'm very glad you are with us on SR. You are a very creative and talented person. You never have to apologize for your sense of humor. I love it and it is so healing. BTW, I also love the Borg references. That made me smile as I'm a huge StarTrek geek. :-) Sending all my hopes to you for finding a recovery plan that works for you.
Take Care,
Cas
Thanks so much for sharing with us and I'm very glad you are with us on SR. You are a very creative and talented person. You never have to apologize for your sense of humor. I love it and it is so healing. BTW, I also love the Borg references. That made me smile as I'm a huge StarTrek geek. :-) Sending all my hopes to you for finding a recovery plan that works for you.
Take Care,
Cas
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,559
Hi Cow. Glad you posted about what happened - sorry it was a disappointing day, but you're back to try again.
I didn't for one minute think you were making light of your situation. I have a sarcastic sense of humor too - so I laugh with you. Hoping you won't be the Sad Clown forever. We're happy you're here and opening up about what's going on in your life.
I didn't for one minute think you were making light of your situation. I have a sarcastic sense of humor too - so I laugh with you. Hoping you won't be the Sad Clown forever. We're happy you're here and opening up about what's going on in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Or.
Posts: 109
Hi Cow, I like your style. Saw so much of myself in you. Yes went threw a very bad place when I was young and drinking made me forget so it is very hard almost impossible to put down when that is your only release. Been sober seven days and the booze is calling me. Hello come to me let me make all better but I know it will not be better just a lonely place called alcoholism. Hope the best for you
orangutan
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,970
Hi Cow, I am loving your posts, I too can see my self in what your saying you just have such a great way of putting it ,you have been putting a smile on my face when I really was feeling bad about myself and disappointed for failing in staying sober AGAIN and Again so please keep them coming.
I hope you do manage to find sobriety .
I hope you do manage to find sobriety .
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day 0: The Sequel, AKA, Another Day on the Hamster Wheel
Worst thing about this site is you can no cuss when you f*cking feel like sh*t! Pardon me. But today really feeling not so hot after yesterday. So like alcoholic Borg, I get up, go directly to coffee shop, get coffee, go to grocery, get wine for after coffee, and, what the hell, get chocolate for breakfast. Get home with loot, have message on phone from supportive friend who live in my neighborhood. “Saw you drive by this morning, hope you were not going to get COFFEE!!” [SFX: Dun Dun Dun!] Feel like lame ass loser, for like two second, then dig into bounty. Pour half of wine out so I not drink whole thing. I mean, whole bottle of wine for breakfast pretty trashy, half bottle much more genteel, no you think? Start to drink coffee and eat chocolate and right away get electric zaps in my nerves and brain from caffeine so I think, woah, you stop or you gonna has seizure and end up in ER like many time before. Avoiding ER is big motivator for me, because is freaking expensive to go there! And you know, money important, my health and well being I guess not so much, but god forbid we has to shell out for ER deductible! So I throw coffee and chocolate out, and just drink wine. Doesn’t really help me to feel better. Just feel crappy plus little sleepy sloshy. Try to meditate, no happening. Start thinking about going out to get coffee and see if that make me feel better. But wait, no, what happening? Didn't we already do this? Is we in an infinite loop? Yes, okay, no coffee. Dig chocolate out of garbage and eat that. Brain still angry and ploopy, go out and get coffee. Ponder whether I should be institutionalized. The end. And how was you day?
Worst thing about this site is you can no cuss when you f*cking feel like sh*t! Pardon me. But today really feeling not so hot after yesterday. So like alcoholic Borg, I get up, go directly to coffee shop, get coffee, go to grocery, get wine for after coffee, and, what the hell, get chocolate for breakfast. Get home with loot, have message on phone from supportive friend who live in my neighborhood. “Saw you drive by this morning, hope you were not going to get COFFEE!!” [SFX: Dun Dun Dun!] Feel like lame ass loser, for like two second, then dig into bounty. Pour half of wine out so I not drink whole thing. I mean, whole bottle of wine for breakfast pretty trashy, half bottle much more genteel, no you think? Start to drink coffee and eat chocolate and right away get electric zaps in my nerves and brain from caffeine so I think, woah, you stop or you gonna has seizure and end up in ER like many time before. Avoiding ER is big motivator for me, because is freaking expensive to go there! And you know, money important, my health and well being I guess not so much, but god forbid we has to shell out for ER deductible! So I throw coffee and chocolate out, and just drink wine. Doesn’t really help me to feel better. Just feel crappy plus little sleepy sloshy. Try to meditate, no happening. Start thinking about going out to get coffee and see if that make me feel better. But wait, no, what happening? Didn't we already do this? Is we in an infinite loop? Yes, okay, no coffee. Dig chocolate out of garbage and eat that. Brain still angry and ploopy, go out and get coffee. Ponder whether I should be institutionalized. The end. And how was you day?
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