dayover

Hi, I'll try to keep this as short as I can but I would sincerely appreciate any advice.

Why I'm here:

I am 19 years old. I have been able to (legally) buy alcohol for a few months, however I have been drinking since I was 13/14. I am worried because of the fact I am so young, I haven't "bottomed" as hard as other people have, and it is hard for me to seek help.

But I also know if I continue to drink, I am going to quickly spiral even further and when I do "hit bottom" it will not be pretty.

Alcoholism runs in my family (most of my greatgrandparents and grandparents died from consequences of alcoholism). My mother is an alcoholic as well. She is the only person in my family who ever sought help, and she has a few years sober now. I had known that our family had a long history of alcoholism but I was always sheltered from it. Miraculously, I have never seen my mother drink, or drunk. She protected me COMPLETELY from that side of her life (I had no idea she drank at all until she told me she was going to AA). She has been worried about my drinking (picked me up after many blackouts, tried to talk to me about it) but was worried about influencing me to go to AA against my will.


I guess what is confusing and difficult for me is that I do not drink the way I hear of others drinking. I've heard talk about every day drinking (etc) over the course of many years. I feel like if I do not seek help NOW I WILL be in that position in a few years. That is very scary to me and I do not want to go down that path. I cannot control my drinking at all.


A bit about my drinking..
Like I said earlier, I don't drink daily. I believe that this is mostly caused by the fact there is no alcohol in my house. However, I have drank by myself before.

I have never been just "drunk" - what I mean by this is I have never, ever been able to stop drinking once I start. I hit blackout very quickly, and I blackout EVERY time I drink. I do not recall a single time when drinking where I have not blacked out. I normally do not remember even starting to drink. I am very small (100 pounds) and I will sit there and drink a 26 to myself, sometimes in less than two hours. Once blacked out I often become violent when confronted about my drinking. ("IM NOT DRUNK." etc)

I can go to a party or a bar with no money and no alcohol, and I will still somehow manage to get myself blacked out. I have expressed on many occasions that I did not want to drink, and have begged myself not to. On many nights I have tried not to drink. I have had friends tell me "just have one" and I have tried that approach, too. I feel physically incapable of just having one. Or even just having two.

In my blackouts, I have fought friends (verbally and physically assaulted them), been assaulted myself (physically and sexually). I have said and acted so terribly to people that I do care about and it breaks my heart. I have passed out. I have woken up with no recollection of where I am or how I got there. I wake up still drunk, shaking and making myself vomit in an attempt to sober up.

As a university student there is a huge "party culture" which makes it difficult to avoid drinking. I have never, ever felt (for as long as I could remember) that I really fit in or had friends (as cliche as it sounds) and I am now scared because I know I will be isolating myself further if I remove myself from the party scene. But I also really can't live like this anymore.


I know that if I take that first drink, I am screwed, and I will be waking up somewhere after drinking much more than just one. I know that I will be the person at 40 who sits and drinks alone every day, depressed and anxious and alone.


I attended my first meeting yesterday and was brought to tears many times. The members at this meeting were surprised by someone so young (I look even younger than I am) and they stopped what would've normally been their big book study to tell me about their experience and go over step 1 with me. I have never felt so supported in my life, and I sat there bawling my eyes out as other people told me literally exactly how I felt. How anxious, compulsive, obsessive, angry, and unable to control their emotions they had once felt. It was hugely eye opening because they were describing to someone a third of their age in some cases exactly how I felt.


But I am also very scared. I'm scared I won't be able to do this, especially when I go back to school and am no longer at home, but in a house full of people who are "social drinkers". Where my school is is a very small town, and though I have searched and I know there are meetings there, I am very scared to go.



I've come here to post in the hopes that other young people (or anyone really) can share their experience with me, so I know I am not alone.

Thank you for your time.

FreedomSought

Hey bro, I'm 23, thanks for posting. 8 days clean, only I am not a drinker, I'm a marijuana addict. Still, same poop, different throne

Relating to you on the "high bottom" concept. Sponsor warned me about that. Parasite told me I need to go deeper into the depths, to find the true meaning of self-destruction! Sponsor stressed to me that I do have free-will choice, and even without going to prison or getting hooked on crack and stealing, I'm welcome to take part in the path of a sober life in recovery.

After 64 days of that, I decided to smoke marijuana again. The negative emotions were too much. Parasite told me I was doomed. Listened. Standing next to a pool with chains and weights, about to drown myself a few times, but didn't have it in my heart.

My whole "relapse" (I hate that word because it carries a connotation of negativity, and personal accountability) period was a cycle of suicidal idealization. Stayed in meetings, though, whether I smoked that morning, or would later. I love just browsing these forums one day at a time now.

Could you describe what Step 1 means to you as of now? "We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable." I'm still processing Step 1 again, too, so this would help me out

dayover

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—
that our lives had become unmanageable."

Thank you for replying!

I have known that there was a problem with my drinking for a long time. I knew that I drank "differently" than my friends, and I didn't like who I was in those situations but it was really hard for me to translate that into actually being powerless over alcohol.

Right now it is the second part of step 1 that really speaks to me (that our lives have become unmanageable). Like you said about both of us and the idea of a high bottom - even if we have not hit the same 'low' or 'rock bottom' as others, our lives are currently unmanageable. I can't function with alcohol in my life anymore.

If I am in a place where alcohol is available, or if I have alcohol, I am not strong enough to turn it away. My life has become unmanageable with alcohol in it. I feel like I have no control over my actions or over my drinking when I start, and I am powerless to the compulsion I have to drink in those situations. I can't "coexist" with alcohol the way other people I know can. I need to admit that I am weak to this, I am defeated, but I am not hopeless.


Edit: if anyone wants to add something to this or elaborate, please feel free, I would love more insight

FreedomSought

For me Step 1 is... Holy ****, my marijuana, which I loved, might actually be damaging my central nervous system and might have been directly related to 2 jobs I lost. Instead of everyone around me, including the law, being stupid.

So life being unmanageable? I guess the difference is you seem like more of an "unwilling addict" than me. I want to smoke marijuana in my life. There are times when I've got an alternative, call someone, go to a meeting, and I'd rather smoke. The last 8 days it's flipped. I haven't wanted to smoke, and Thank Goodness I haven't been contacted by any friends about it either.

I only realized this morning that perhaps smoking is actually bad for me... Which is a breakthrough lol. You seem to know drinking's bad for you and that's awesome you're aware of that so young. Maybe next time you get offered a drink, you'll know what to do. My uncle's in the bathroom vomiting. He's 41 and still hasn't learned not to drink lol.

Maybe an affirmation. "I am strong enough to turn it away." Or, "No thanks, just clean, crisp water for me!"

soberhawk

Hi Dayover,

I am hardly young - I have kids your age, but I will even though make some comments here. I suspect you are from the US – and I am not that knowledgeable about how schools work over there, but I will try anyway.

You have obviously problems with alcohol, some of us just have and should stay away from it.

But you also have some things going for you – it is a very brave and mature post you have written, I am rather impressed that you have gained such an understanding of your situation so young. Your mother seems to respect you and support you in a way that helps you the most, that is also great.

We also have a rotten alcohol culture here among high school and collage kids, probably mostly high school kids - collage kids tend to be more sensible. There is a lot of drinking and a lot of partying – and that is difficult when you have problems with alcohol.

As you say it is no fun to black out at every party.

I do not know that much about AA, they could probably be a great support.

Are there some groups at the school that do not drink (here it is mostly people that take their sports seriously). I was thinking whether you can join groups that have different focus than drinking?

Whether you could join some social life at the school that do not drink? It is difficult to stay away from the partying without replacing it with something different.

The second thing I was thinking is whether you have some kind of “health officer” at the school where you could get some support. It is a very difficult situation to have problems with alcohol and be all alone surrounded by people that drink often. It is a hard situation to cope with alone.

I think your analyses are very sensible – and if you get this under control in a young age, that would make your life a lot easier.

Best of luck to you.

Hevyn

Welcome dayover. I commend you for admitting your fears and coming here for support.

I started drinking when I was 20. I knew almost right away that I was in trouble. I don't remember a time when I could control the amounts I drank. Over the years it led to total chaos and a ruined life. I'm so glad you see what may happen if you don't stop. Because I didn't heed the warning signs I ended up drinking all day, every day. I couldn't leave home without knowing where my next drink was coming from - I drank at work. I was completely dependent on it. Because you're facing this now, those things never have to happen to you. I hope you'll find the encouragement you need by being here with us.

Dee74

Hi dayover

many many of us will read your post and nod our heads. I think a lot of us started the way you are.

There is a load of support, both and here and elsewhere, if you want to quit drinking.
It is entirely possible - even at your age and being at Uni.

If you can stop this now you can save yourself many many decades of sorrow, pain and anguish.

Maybe talking to your mum about this, specifically about how to stay sober, will be helpful?

D

dayover

Thank you everyone for posting, it means so much to me.

Soberhawk: I am actually from Canada (I don't know if that helps you at all!). I am very lucky to have my mother. The university where I go to is in a 'university town' this basically means that it has a VERY small population of (almost) only students - thus though there are outside activities it isn't the same as being in a big city. (There is one movie theater in the town, for example. And about 20 bars, haha) In places like this alcohol is definitely a huge focus. But I also know I am a bit biased because alcohol has been MY main focus, and if I change that view and start searching for other things to do, I will find them. Right now it is difficult in the sense that I have not met a single person who isn't interested in drinking.

It goes beyond just being no fun, for me at least. It completely destroys me to wake up in the morning and know that I lost, again. That is what it feels like. I went out, and promised I wouldn't do this again... and yet here I am, sick as a dog, in my bed.

You brought up a really great point about groups at school at don't drink and I'm definitely going to look into it, to try and meet people through something other than drinking so that my relationships with them are not related in any way to that. I feel like there must be SOMETHING at my university, there is no way that there is nothing for people who may be suffering with this.

Thank you so much


Hevyn: Thank you so much for posting. This is why I am trying to get help, to a T, because I know the pain and anguish continuing can and WILL cause for everyone in my life. It is an extremely lonely and painful path for me already. I do not want to do this anymore. So far reading and lurking this forum has been really influential. It's amazing to see so many people who care about the members here (albeit complete strangers!). Though I am at no point to be giving others advice, I have been reading and taking notes for myself.


Dee74: Thank you for your post - it rang with positivity and that is absolutely what I needed right now. My mother is a very positive figure in my life. She actually took me to hear her speak tonight at a meeting. It's funny because I never once saw her drink, my whole life, and yet there she was finishing multiple bottles of wine a night with me unknowing and unsuspecting. I am so grateful she is able to help me now. She is nervous about talking to me because she wants me to be able to come to my own conclusions, and not feel forced by her own experience. I don't know if many people attend AA meetings on this forum, but thus far I have been totally floored by the experience. I have NEVER felt so comfortable or cared for, and it is very calming for me to be there. It moves me to tears to hear that somehow these people who have been suffering for decades have felt what I am feeling today.



At this point,
I am just worried that I will not be able to do this alone. After the weekend(and a really rough blackout) I had tried to speak to two of my closest friends. I was faced with a bunch of different, hurtful and cruel responses. "Why don't you just not drink then." "It's really that simple, just stop putting yourself in this position, you should have learned by now" and "none of us act that way when we are drunk" were some of the nicer things that were said. I feel very lost and hurt. I have not turned my cellphone on or logged onto any social media since Sunday simply because I can't face anyone, feeling very judged, alone, and abandoned., especially because as I have said before everyone I know drinks, and drinks often, yet not with the problem drinking I face. I feel as if I need to immerse myself with people who understand what I am going through, and that it's not as simple as "just go to the bar with us and have one drink".

LadyBlue0527

dayover!!!

Look no further because you hit the nail on the head as to what you were looking for!

As Dee said, many will read your post and nod their heads, we have been there. Keep reading, you're going to be amazed that you'll read posts from others and you're going to do the same.

You are not alone! So glad that you decided to post. I hope that at least knowing that we're all here for you helps to provide some relief. We're all a family and we are all well aware of what alcohol can do to you and what it feels to try to get rid of it.

Read, read, read and post, post, post!

Nighthawk8820

your very wise to recognize this is a problem and one that will only continue to get worse. Can you go to your mother and explain what is going on honestly and openly? She would be the person I would target to seek help from, since she knows how difficult it can be to be trapped in the horrible cycle or alcoholism herself. I know my dad was a drunk, now sober, and has been my go to for all advice I seek. I wish you the best, you dont have to continue down this road.

dayover

Thank you for your reply.

I have been discussing this openly with my mother for the past few days. She has made it clear that she will help me however she can but she wants me to make my own decisions (for example, she goes to AA and a Women's Group and loves both of them, but she doesn't want me to feel forced into choosing the same path as her. She wants me to do what feels right for me).


Funny enough, when I told her how I feel I haven't "bottomed" hard she said "Not many people your age will have blacked out and needed to go to the ER as many times as you. Stop worrying about how you can get worse, and worry about how to get better."

Part of me is concerned with relying heavily on her because I will be miles away from her at the end of this month. Though of course she will only be a call away, I know I need to establish a support system in my respective town.

Sorensen

100 lbs... and you drink a 26 oz to yourself... jesus are you a girl or boy?

dayover

I am a girl. I am at a healthy weight for my height. I have and will probably always be a very petite person.

Sorensen

ok thought so, that was a very quick response! Talk to your mom about the issues you are having she will understand better then anyone, (i think)

I used to drink the most when I was your age blacking out most of the time as well, I know what its like.

dayover

I know it's very shocking for most people to see me drink so much. Obviously it is shocking to myself too. Watching someone half the size of most of the guys steadily drink themselves into passing out is not exactly a great position to be in.

I've been talking to her and it is helping. Mostly just concerned about when I leave her place again and go back to my own.

I'm actually trying to do some research (as another poster suggested) about groups etc I can join when I go back to school to avoid drinking. Thanks for replying