TM75

I was sober for six weeks until yesterday. I'd been feeling down for days and finally cracked. Couldn't just have a few cans - drank a bottle and a half of vodka and I cannot forgive myself today. I didn't do anything stupid, simply drank myself into oblivion.

Apart from feeling like death today, I cannot stop crying over my weakness in caving in. I can't shake the feelings of despondency and hopelessness and without wanting to sound overly dramatic, I feel as if part of me has died. The irony - drank because I felt depressed and now I feel 10 times worse. I feel so guilty and such a failure even though I didn't continue drinking today. That should be a positive but it's difficult to see anything as positive right now.

It hurts like hell and I wish I could turn the clock back.

Jeni26

Don't be too hard on yourself. There really aren't many of us here that get this first time.

I did a couple of months and had a relapse when I first joined SR. I felt much the same as you're describing...ashamed, weak, depressed. I couldn't quite believe I'd been so stupid.

But I got straight back up, posted about what happened and re-doubled my efforts. It just underlined how much I wanted sobriety.

That was 14 months ago and I'm still going strong. If I can do it, so can you x

resolute50

"The irony - drank because I felt depressed and now I feel 10 times worse."

Actually,you did have something positive happen.(read above)
You wont forget this the next time temptation comes knocking.
I'm sorry that the depression got to you.The best thing to do is dust yourself off and jump back on that wagon ASAP.

mecanix

Awww ,
I'm sorry your hurting TM .

You've made the right decision today and that is great news

If depression is hitting you then maybe it's worth looking into trying to find a way to deal with it ?

Glad to have you back with us , m

ScottFromWI

Not to sound harsh, but drinking yourself into oblivion is not exactly a smart thing to do, even on its own. You likely know that already, but it's important to remember that the drinking itself is the problem. The other bad stuff that happens in addition is just icing on the cake of addiction.


While you can't turn back the clock on the actual events, you can replay them in your head or literally come back here and read your post next time you have cravings/urges. That was very helpful for me at times, it's very easy to let your guard down and think everything is OK - sometimes a reminder of how bad things get helps snap you out of that illusion that drinking again might work.

It was also very important to me to realize that there will always be cravings, temptations, etc. How you choose to act on them makes all the diffference in the world. You will NEVER have to feel this way again unless you voluntarily choose to drink. Glad you are back, you did the right thing and it will get better.

FreedomSought

I remember this, too. Thank you so much for sharing it, that takes a lot of courage, and it helps me because I was there too. Caving in. Had 64 days and was feeling down for maybe 2 weeks. Overwhelmed by the negative emotions, and unable to cope with them, feeling incapable to even call anyone about it, I hit up an old friend and smoked a bit of weed.

Felt better for a while, then over the next few days, began plotting suicide plans. Picked up some self-drowning equipment. Bought a Jar of Peanut Butter, a box of White Chocolate Macademias, and smoked a nice joint in my car, sat there listening to Eckhart Tolle's New Earth and eating frantically. As I got into the jar of Peanut Butter, I was pleasured into Heaven through my taste buds, and ended up texting some people from my group.

That was the beginning of July. July 2013 was up and down. The next day went to meetings, ecstatic to be alive. Around 5PM that day I picked up anyway. With a nice supply of marijuana in hand, I felt ready to finish what I'd started Friday.

Saturday night I went to a meeting, and ate a LOT of cookies, then hit up another meeting where they had ice cream. "Who cares if I eat all these sugars? **** it. I'm dying tomorrow night."

Sunday morning wrote out my plans to make it real! Went out, bought some new sunglasses, and a nice bong. Plan was to take a massive bong rip then drown!!! I smoked a joint in the afternoon... Then... get THIS. Sponsor calls me up and invites me to see Pacific Rim on a whim! Being high, and having my suicide plan for the night, I even took the honor of driving! The movie was great. He expressed disappointment in me.

One, two, three bong rips later and I still hadn't killed myself! Damn! Thought the weed was gonna do it for me! Monday morning's attempt was the closest I got... Chain with me at the side of the water... Felt like all the forces were closing in... But instead I just took the bong rip and cruised a bit.

(We can see what's going on here. Rewarding my weakness and suicidal idealization with weed! Boy, was my addictive voice desperate. Even my Addictive Voice, though was too weak to kill its host.)

The next day I resolved to clean myself back up, and cross-addicted to food for a few days. Went 7 days then picked up again. Smoked for a week, like "This is my new life, I must not be ready for recovery".

Well, that's my relapse story. New clean date is 7-29-2013 and I have 8 days. Thank God. What I did this time around? Joined the forums. And this time, weird as it sounds, I didn't even PLAN on staying clean. Just a "2-day T break to keep a 3:7 ratio" (whatever that means, my Parasite came up with it). But thanks to noon meetings and this forum, I got to today and I'm able to have a slight recollection of what it feels like to be sober again, after a month-long haze.

Grateful & Glad to have had that initial attempt at achieving sobriety. I "quit before the miracle". And that initial attempt helped my subconscious mind be strong enough to get back on the wagon... While even tricking the Parasite!

Soon as you stop feeding your Parasite, you will get it back, too. Is there anything you can do to feel a little better? Practice rolling your R's maybe? rrrrrrrrrr

And remember all you need is a desire to stop drinking. You can still go to meetings and read the forum... Even if you're drinking! Before you know it, whether you like it or not, you'll sober up again

Dee74

We can't turn the clock back - but you absolutely can learn from your 6 week success as well as your mistake here TM.

You might have stumbled but the race goes on - get yourself back up and back into it.

Next time - post here beforehand - we love to help folks through the rough times and help them stay sober

D