DesperadoBlond

So, I've been sober with AA for almost 9 months now.

I found a sponsor on my third day in the program and started working The Steps right away.

I've been stuck in my 4th step for 6 months now. I have done my resentment inventory, my fear inventory. Currently, I am stuck doing yet another inventory that has about 140 people in it. It's too daunting to even start writing it.

I have had a lot of challenges in my financial and work(finding) situations lately... and honestly I feel like I spend my time frivolously when I write inventories instead of looking for a stable job.

I just don't feel like (want to) do it.

Also, people keep talking to me about what a relief it will be to do my 9th step - the one step I vowed from the very beginning (even to my sponsor) never to do. My sponsor countered by saying: no dating (serious or very casual even) before you do that step!

Last time I called my sponsor on the phone I told him honestly that I haven't done any step work. He made it quite clear that in that case we have nothing to discuss.

So, now it's been like 2 weeks since that talk... I go to meetings... 5 times a week... but I don't want to work the steps anymore. Some people in my local AA say: just don't drink and go to meetings.

Could I just stick to the latter strategy? Would highly appreciate your guys' input!

DesperadoBlond

A fellow long time AA told me recently: this program is for those who really want it.

I have to confess: I don't REALLY want it.

visch1

Hi. Years ago it was pointed out that recovery is not a race to complete the steps. It's a process for recovery and absorbing one at a time is doing good. It was also suggested that if we are having a problem or stuck on them to go back and re examine that one, in this case #3. BE WELL

visch1

When I said that the response was " the doors open and your misery is refundable." Many found out how true that is. BE WELL

DesperadoBlond

Hello & Thanks for the input!

Maybe you are right. My 3rd step was a bit rushed. My sponsor concluded that "I was willing" and that was that. Very unceremonious.

I am not considering going back to drinking. I KNOW very very well that I can't enjoy just one or two glasses of wine. I want 3 bottles if I am gonna drink. And I don't want the ensuing **** storm and hang overs and drunk dialling and drunk emailing and all that.

I am just having serious doubts (have for a long while now) about "doing the steps". Especially Step 9 after you "resolutely only look for your own part and ignore the other's wrong doing". I mean - come on. I have no inclination to do that.

susasober1

I love this topic!

That's what I have been doing. I have been going to meetings and not working with a sponsor...I have been sober 15 months. I love that I can admit this on this forum!

Most in AA would call me a "dry drunk" and tell me if I don't start doing the steps I will go out. The truth is "so far so good". I do not feel like I have been "white knuckling" it at all. My first year of sobriety I got involved with a women's bible study and have started doing "homeless outreach" volunteer work. Until I finally found work I was going to two morning women's meetings that I really loved...I have gotten so busy lately that I am not making as many meetings. But I have no intention to drink...every am when I wake up I realize if I drink today I will screw everything up and not get a thing at all done!

I did finally approach two different women and ask if they were available to be sponsors or if they knew someone else who was. Neither was able to help at this time. I DO plan on doing the steps, just haven't yet.

After all of the above, I would recommend you find another sponsor. It doesn't sound like that one was a fit for you. Find one who is suggestive only...not someone who tells you what you can and cannot do!

Good luck and stay posting!!

DesperadoBlond

Hi Susasober!

Thanks for your take on this!

I too feel like I mostly get "what I need" out of just listening to people in the meetings and sharing.

And, unfortunately, I do puke a little in my mouth when I hear people who are 16-17 years sober, who are sobbing in meetings about amends they recently made.

Sitting in rooms with the blinds down, sobbing about my drinking past, 15 years into sobriety, is not what I want for myself. So, I am starting to wonder if I should start exploring other recovery programs alongside AA?

I did try AVRT. It got me sober for 2 weeks once but then I relapsed. AA has kept me sober for almost 9 months...

susasober1

Thanks. I really miss my women's meetings since I started working. They were like mini-therapy. If you find a couple of good meetings, hang in there and take your time searching for the right sponsor, that should be enough for now. AA can and does work for many...we just have to do in our own time!

Olive1

Hi DesperadoBlond,

After my stay in the hospital that pushed me over the line to finally get and stay sober, I went to a women's rehab for three weeks. They are a twelve step rehab and they had us write out 35 pages of our life as our first step. We went to lots of meetings.
When I got out and got home I went to lots and lots of meetings. I had a sponsor for a minute, but she had issues and had to quit me. I kept going to meetings, but never got another sponsor. I never got past step one. I kept going to meetings.
I loved the meetings and went to them for quite a few months after rehab.
But I never did the steps. I still go to random meetings on occasion.
And I am perfectly okay with that.
My steps are: 1. Admit I am powerless over alcohol, and 2. Be completely honest with myself.
Take what you need and leave the rest.
I have been sober for eight years.

wpainterw

AA is only one of the possible paths up the mountain of sobriety. I happened to find a particularly congenial agnostics meeting, although I am not a card carrying agnostic or atheist and have sudden lapses into spirituality and occasional seizures of Buddhism. I had a dog as a sponsor- well maybe a furry higher power. Our group had very few episodes of theatrical humility and self abasement and made up for it by light hearted humor. There was relatively little bragging about doing the steps. It was all very laid back and most of the group seemed to achieve sobriety, which, after all, is the primary,perhaps the only, objective. More conventional AA groups may have disapproved of us, viewing us as a sort of an AA motorcycle gang. But we never wore black leather jackets or sported AA tattoos. Occasionally a fanatic Big Booker from some conventional meeting would appear and we'd get cussed out and told we would never be sober and we usually would say "Keep coming back" (but in a way that sort of had a question mark after it). I've not had a drink for 25 years and several in the group have 35 years or so. What have we done wrong? Maybe it's too late to change now and go back to Step One!
Now all you out there. Say together "KEEP COMING BACK??????"

W.

ReadyAtLast

I'm not in AA but use a mixture of methods in recovery. Maybe it's not one size fits all. If you are happy with meetings, staying sober and not wanting to drink then imo it looks as though you are doing everything 'right'

Of course, if you were struggling with the 'steps' and wanting to drink then surely that would be a different story. As you say that's not the case, I would continue doing what you're doing. It is YOUR recovery,no one elses and not for anyone to say what youshould or should not be doing.

Maybe,as people say,take what benefits you and leave the rest

Congrats on your 9 months btw

DesperadoBlond

Hi you!

Thanks for that! I don't know why I have become so close to all the step enthusiasts.

When I tell them I don't feel like doing the steps they all go like: OOOOOOOK, that's your choice, BUT..... and then some insinuation/veiled threat about how I am going to go back out or how I am going to be a dry drunk instead of a spiritually fulfilled sober person.

So, because of that (?), I do have this little nagging feeling that I am doing it wrong if I don't work the steps.

But maybe I will just give the steps a rest for now? They all preach to me: ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY!

How about acceptance with regard to the fact that I don't want to do the steps?

DesperadoBlond

Wpainter,

thanks for your input! Loved your post!

Made me think that perhaps I should look up only the "liberal" meetings in my city and only go to those for a week and see how I feel.

Nuudawn

I attended AA in a previous bout of sobriety and I do not now. I think Bill W was a freakin' genius who should have gotten a Nobel Peace Prize (maybe he did .I dunno). I too got very, very stressed out with people telling me what to do and telling me I would drink if I did not follow the rules. I guess they were right, cuz that's exactly what I did! I got so damn frustrated and felt so alone...I was just chock full of 'stinkin' thinkin" I guess. Ya ya ya...

I am open to attending AA now, should I feel the need to but I will definitely "take what I need and leave the rest". In hindsight, it was pushy people trying to control my sobriety with ineffective answers I should have left behind. My sobriety is between me and God and I'm alright with that.

I have SR, a great therapist, a world of recovery information in books and the internet...and the God of my understanding. There is wonderful fellowship in AA...but I find a pretty great worldwide one also in SR.

DesperadoBlond

Hi Ohta!

That's wonderful to hear! Thanks for the encouragement! It's great to hear from someone who did it that way and has 8 years!

FBL

Lots of other recovery options out there these days.

Personally, I'm now over 4 years sober with just SR and support from a few key family members and friends.

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

DesperadoBlond

Hi nuudawn!

Thanks for replying to my post!

It's great to hear so many different takes on sobriety. I actually feel a little better now. I was actually really down in the dumps for like a week after my last conversation with my sponsor. He just seemed so ... "angry" (for the lack of a better word) that I wasn't doing step work. He said that no matter what happened, even if I ran out of money and had to quit my apartment, step work should come first. And stepwork is all he wants to discuss. Otherwise we have nothing to talk about + loooooooong cold shoulder silence.

I was like: Hello? Are you there or did you hang up?

Perhaps I am not spiritually enlightened enough (or detached enough from my worldly goods?), but finding a job urgently has taken all my energy (and I did find one by the way!).

So thanks for reminding me: take what you want and leave the rest.

DesperadoBlond

Hi Former!

I guess I am just scared to try something else than AA. Worried that maybe I would relapse.

I guess I could keep doing the AA meetings and try other stuff at the same stuff and see how I feel.

ScottFromWI

If going to the meetings and just listening is keeping you sober, that's what I'd keep doing. I'm personally not a fan of recovery methods where others dictate your progress 100%, but I understand some need that structure too. I don't follow a 12 step plan but I was under the impression that following the steps would be pretty integral to the program. Perhaps you can work them at a different pace or even find a different sponsor?

Olive1

There is a huge variety of AA meetings out there. Keep trying different ones until you find one that fits you!
I also read lots of alcoholic memoirs and watch recovery movies. I like the feeling that I am not alone out there.
That is also one of the reasons why SR is so wonderful.