crissyybabyyxx

I'm 18. Hes 21. We were talking for about 3 months. Everything was going great.
He did tell me once that he was in rehab but it was never really brought up again.
I know he is very close with another kid he met in rehab and I found out that they are both in rehab again now.
I texted him a few weeks ago and he wouldn't answer.
His friend wrote on his facebook wall asking why he isnt answering and why he totally dissappeared.
I know he is in rehab.
He just left.
Like he didn't tell anyone anything.
Quite his job, packed up, and left for rehab.
What should I do??
Tell him that I'm there for him???
I called but his phone is off...idk if thats because the rehab doesnt allow them or if he is choosing not to use it.
Anyway....i'm hurt.
I was really into him and everything and now idk if ill ever talk to him again.
We smoked weed before together...so idk if thats why hes in rehab now or if there is more.

Ugh.
I am definitely happy he's getting help and working on himself, but I just can't wrap my mind around this all.
Any advice?

I really care about him and his well being and enjoyed the time I had to know him.
I want to keep talking to him and I feel like I shouldn't right now.
IDK what I should do?
Run? Leave him alone? Tell him no matter what I'll be there if he need someone to talk to? Wish him luck? Tell him we'll see eachother when we get back?

I think about him everyday..1st thing in the morning and last thing before I fall asleep.
Idk if I even cross his mind at all...which is why Im hurting so much.
I truly care about him and pray he gets better.

Done_With_It

Personally I'd say Run. Read some of the posts of what people are going through, it may save you years of heartache.

Whatever you decide to do, I wouldn't try and contact him again until he contacts you.

Distance from the situation may also let you see things with a different view.

Kindeyes

If he is in rehab.....that's wonderful. If he went willingly and of his own accord.....that is encouraging.

Although it may hurt to feel as though you have lost your friend, he is getting help that he needs. If that helps him get his life together and you love him.......doesn't it make sense to be happy for him?

Try to focus on your own life right now.....if your friend wants to contact you, he will. If he is concerned that you are a person he used with and decides that it's not in his own best interest to be in contact with you......let him go.

People come and go throughout our lives...it's the way life works. We learn from them and often, they move on. That's ok.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

If he wants to talk to you he will. Right now he does not, perhaps to focus on his recovery. If you smoked weed together, he may want to avoid you because rehab and recovery means NO drugs, and therefore staying away from people and places where he used to use.

Maybe take this time to work on your own issues. Leave him be to do what he needs to do. You cannot save him, only he can do that and it seems he is trying to do just that.

Hugs

crissyybabyyxx

Thank you all! Very encouraging!

zoso77

Here's a question for you.

At the age of 18, is this the type of situation you want to deal with?

crissyybabyyxx

To be honest I'm not sure.
I know I shouldn't want/have to deal with this, but at the same time I keep thinking he will change and everything will work itself out.
Everyone is telling me to run, but it's hard to just let go of someone you have feelings for.

courtneykay

I was in a very similar situation as you are right now, Crissy. I am only 18 years old, and I found myself trapped in a relationship with an addict.

He went to rehab. He cut me out completely.

He quit rehab. He wanted to be with me. I tried it for a while.

It didn't work. From what I have read on here, it is VERY hard to make a relationship with an addict work..and even if you do try, there is no guarantee that it will last and that you will come out of the situation the same person you were before.

My advice is this, run. I know it hurts. I know it's hard. I've been there, and I still am there right now. But ask yourself, at this age, is this really the type of relationship you want to be in? Do not wait on him. Do not wait for him to get sober. I sincerely hope that his rehab experience will be successful, I really do hope he will last longer than my boyfriend did.

Take the time apart to work on you. To focus on yourself & take care of your wants and your needs. Don't wait on him. There is no guarantee that when he is out he will be better, or even want to be with you. If he ends up getting sober, if your paths happen to cross in the future, that is another story. But for now, I believe you should let go. You are so young, you have so much life ahead of you, and there are so many dependable, and reliable guys out there who will treat you much better than a recovering addict will.

Ultimately, it is your decision. I don't say any of this to be negative or discouraging. I am only speaking from my experience, I do not want to see you get hurt the way that I did. Because being in a relationship with an addict broke me, and now that I am out of it, I find myself lost and more confused than ever. The best thing you can do is get out before you become any more attached. But you decide what is best for you.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. The chatroom is also a great resource.

Hugs
Courtney

CFDMama

Hi crissyybabyyxx,

I'm pretty new to SR and have yet to really post my thoughts on anyone else's situation since I tend to be pretty cautious on handing out advice to people other than my closest friends, but your situation is near and dear to me. I'm 35 years old and have had more than my share of relationships with fixerrupers and unavailable men.

Here's the thing - he's already cut you out, right? So what else is there to do but walk away? It's great that he's off trying to better himself, but the decision has been made and for you to pine over him while he is not available is to waste your time. You're young and you have so much to experience. Do not waste this time. Have fun. Find something that makes you happy and just go with it. I don't say this to be harsh, but 3 months is not a very long time. My mother once said to me, "It will never be as good again, as it is in the beginning". If that's truth, how good can a relationship be if he's gone 3 months into it?

Please know I'm not making him out to be a bad person. It sounds like he's doing the right thing - for him. You need to go out and do the right thing - for you. Don't be the girl waiting on the sidelines. Live your life for you.

jazzfish

People have wasted the better part of their lives chasing this idea. Run.

zoso77

It's not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That said, I feel quite comfortable telling you that when you make decisions, you need to make them based on what you know to be true and not what you hope or believe will happen.

You have an opportunity to learn a lot while you're with us. Take advantage of it.

ZoSo

BlueChair

From your original post Im not sure why no one mentioned that your boyfriend probably cant contact you while he is in rehab. My husband and I had very little contact the first 10 days, and I had one person who posts here tell me she did not talk to her own son for a month when he was in rehab because they wouldnt allow any contact. Who knows why he left so quickly, maybe he was forced to by his parents, or maybe he got into trouble with the law and didnt want you to know. Maybe he got off by going into rehab, seems pretty common from what Ive read here. The rest of it, staying in his life is up to you. He is young, and he is getting help so hopefully he will make it through this and get his life back on track. Some people say you cant live in the future, so all you know right now is that he is getting help, what lies ahead ??

crissyybabyyxx

Thank you all... It truly means a lot to me. I am new to this so it is nice to have a "support group." (:

Do you think it would be smart of me to send him a text saying "Hey I know we havent talked in a while so I'm just wondering how you're doing?"

^^^He never told me he was in rehab, but I KNOW he is. So I don't want to say anything sounding to supportive and what not.

BlueChair

I think its up to you, doesn't sound harmful. Realize he may not have his phone though. His parents may have it, or even an admin at the rehab. If you dont get a reply, your not going to know for sure if he is even seeing it, or it gets deleted before the phone is returned to him, and that may not be until he gets totally out. I was able to give my husband his phone on his second weekend there, but they suggested I buy him a new one with a new number, because the old one might be a trigger for him.

LovesVWs

Most rehab facilities don't allow cellular phones. So you can text all you want, you will not get any answer. Leave him be and let him try to recover in his own time and space. If you are someone he 'smoked weed' with he may also try and distance himself from you and any other drug-related friends.

As well, why would you at 18 years of age want to commit yourself to any kind of relationship with someone who has been in and out of rehab already at the age of 21? Those of us who have been around the block would tell you not to do this as it will not get easier/better/more healthy.

Good luck!

DecBaby

I've been reading quite a few posts with girls having strong feelings for these addicts they have only been speaking to for a short time. I want you girls to know that addict or not, you cannot change a man. Maybe you think you can help him, save him or he'll fall so in love with you that he'll change. It doesn't work like that. In my eyes I see you girls setting yourself up for failure. But that's from the outside looking in. Stop sitting around waiting to see if these guys are gonna change for you to be with them. You're young and probably beautiful! Work on yourself so that you attract a man who deserves you. Someone with a job, with goals, not guys already struggling with drugs. You girls deserve more.

Done_With_It

That is a pretty powerful statement. "I keep thinking he will change",
I may ask myself why I want to be with someone who needs to change
to a place where I feel comfortable.

It's very empowering when you explore your own reasons, in my experience anyway.

I completely understand the part about letting go of someone you have feelings for though, it is hard, so damn hard!

mermaid60

I know it must be difficult for you but like you said...look at the posts on here. You are young, focus on you!!! While is he away, whereever he is, you need to figure out what it is you want out of life. Trust me, if he wants to talk to you he will come back around. Take care of yourself...

crazycoda

Chrissybaby please dont put yourself through years of heartache & broken promises. At 18 you should be having fun. If he is in rehab thats good but a. He can relapse and b. He is only 21 so his "drug life" is probably quite short, fast forwarda year & you wont be able to leave your purse about, hard but true. Sorry if i appear too millitant about this but baby you've got years of fun ahead of you, dont be codependent & sad like me.