Peppermynt

Hi All - This is my first time posting - I've gotten so much from reading these forums. I'm struggling right now - my boyfriend of a year and a half, whom I met in AA, celebrated a year sober this past spring, then relapsed a month later. He took off to dry out with family for three weeks, staying sober largely because of Antabuse. During that time I was having terrible anxiety attacks, worrying about his health, feeling rejected because he wouldn't get in touch, though trying to listen when people told me to stay away.

When he returned we met for dinner and it was lovely - he was kinder and sweeter than he'd been in ages, and I was tentatively hopeful for him and us. Well, the next day he texted that he relapsed again, even though he was on Antabuse.

That was a little over two weeks ago. Since then I haven't heard from him - I imagine he's alive, though I have no idea in what state. He's prone to seizures - last year a seizure snapped him into reality, and he started working a good program until he decided he didn't need it anymore. This time seizures aren't even doing it. He's had several, though convinced himself they're because of stress. I don't even know if he still has a job.

I myself am in recovery - close to 6 years sober - and have thrown myself into AA and Al-Anon to recover. And it's worked very well - I even just started a new job today. But I can't shake this feeling of rejection - how can he just disappear? I even emailed his cousin whom he's close with but got no reply. I know this is about him and in my stronger moments I tell myself - why should I suffer because he's so ill? And if he wants to get in touch with me he will. But the temptation to reach out to him is still so great. I guess I'm just mourning the loss of the good times. Believe it or not, there were a lot before he stopped going to meetings. Any advice greatly welcomed. I know it's a day at a time program, but I can wait till it's next year. My heart is broken and I feel abandoned.

LexieCat

I'm sorry you're hurting. The newly sober or still-drinking aren't great choices for sober alcoholics. I'm coming up on five years, myself.

If I were you, I think I would put this relationship on ice until he has been sober for at least a year again. You're more likely to relapse than he is to get sober at the moment.

Stick with your programs, keep him in your prayers, and remember that we all have to go through whatever we have to go through.

TakingCharge999

Hi Pepper.

I identify with the abandonment feelings. I am going to therapy to try to solve them. I know it is not about boyfriends or partners but about my dad and things going on in my life from way back. Perhaps it would be worth it for you to explore this with a counselor. I know it has done me a ton of good.

Meanwhile, I create "recovery games" with myself. The other day while suffering about someone else's actions, I had the idea of contacting other 20 friends before contacting the person I was thinking about.

It has been fun and refreshing to interact with people and receive their warmth. I even reconnected with a friend from elementary school I have not seen in 20 years and now we are becoming best friends. Test yourself and see if you can reach out to other people.

I am learning that love has many shapes and forms and if I do not express love to myself, I am not going to get it anywhere else (and the funny thing is that once I go back to my mental health, I do not feel I need to ask for anything from anyone, I feel complete.)

Hugs!

izzyrose05

Feelings of abandonment can be so strong they over take my brain like a giant cloud some days. I find the best thing to do is just ride the wave. Don't resist it. Just feel it and come here. I post when I'm feeling very weak and Lexie and the gang always come to help me see the light when I cannot do it for myself. Sounds to me like you are working your program. I don't think you can do better than you are....and remember, even if he does contact you, what would you do about it? I imagine that there is the toughest question AND answer. It has been for me because I know 100 percent that it wouldn't change the path I have chosen for me and my kids. So, I guess, for me, it might make me feel good for about ten minutes if he called, but then I'm right back to working on myself by myself. That's the good stuff in disguise of suffering. But only for a while.

Good luck to you and keep posting

Peppermynt

Thank you so much, everyone, for your wonderful replies. I agree with everything, from we have to go through whatever we have to go through, to the abandonment roller coaster. I know many have said it, but it does give some relief to hear this from others, I guess in much the same way AA and Al-Anon helps.

FYI - The day after I posted (and I think this had partly to do with me going away for the weekend and not making meetings), I texted him and said I was thinking about him and hoped he was doing better. Then I wrote that he didn't have to write back right away, but when he had some time under his belt and felt better. I got no reply. I was surprised but not surprised at the same time.

I have a LOT of conversations with my girlfriends about relationships, and much of it is about closure when it ends. I used to say - the heck with closure - you define closure. But in this case, I guess I needed that damn closure. I got it. Now I am dealing with the aftermath and I have to say, feeling like I've been dumped by someone who drinks through Antabuse and seizures does not do wonders for the self-esteem.

At the same time, I know in its own way what he's doing is a kindness - I am powerless over him, and if he kept getting in touch, I don't think I could stay away. So I guess the best I can do is buckle up and get through the process as best I can. And that's so true - if he did contact me, I would be right back in the insanity.

I hope that I can follow up this post after several months and update the readers who happen upon this thread, and say that I have moved on and am doing really well. That is the best thing I can ask for right now. And incidentally - here are some books I've read lately: When Things Fall Apart, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People, Self-Compassion, The Four Agreements, and the all-important, Co-Dependent No More.

xoxo