tate9685

I posted a couple of days ago that I had recently asked my alcoholic boyfriend to move out of my house for a short while so we could take a break. I did this because he was drinking more and more and staying out all night. I am alcoholic too, but I am trying to stay sober. 20 days now. He knows he has a problem but has not said he will quit for good. He's in the bargaining stage of trying to control his drinking and limit it to a few days a week, etc. Anyway, we had been in touch everyday up until this past Friday night. Then I heard nothing from him all weekend. I called his cell obsessively, at least 30 times, sent him at least 6 text msgs. I felt like something bad happened to him and he is not one to not respond to msgs. I found out this morning that he is in New York. We live in VA. I found this out because some guy finally answered his phone this morning and said that he had been partying with my boyfriend and that my b/f dropped his phone or left his phone somewhere. (He does that ALOT when he gets wasted) Anyway, this guy said he would try to find my b/f in the Village...(??) and tell him that I am worried about him. All day I have been making mistakes at work. I cant concentrate. I am angry and scared for him because he has probably been falling down drunk and sleeping outside where anything could happen to him. I'm pissed at myself for asking him to leave the house for awhile...but this is no way to handle it on his part. I have been worried sick and still am. I miss him. I dont feel like drinking today, but I need to keep reaching out for support before I do. Thanks!

visch1

Hi. I found by experience that I could only concentrate on my well being in such a relationship. A relationship with 2 alcoholics is very difficult never mind having 1 or 2 drinking. Could you have something like a 2 month no contact period to help settle things down? If anything do yourself a favor and don't pick up that 1st drink. BE WELL

Anna

I think you are putting yourself at risk by worrying about your boyfriend.

Would you consider stepping back completely, for awhile, until you felt settled in recovery?

ByHisgrace21

Hey girl! I hear your frustration and I am sorry you are having to experience what you are experiencing! Sobriety is difficult and it is not for everyone. The fact that you are 20 days clean says you want this. Check the reasons why you are doing this. Is it for you? Because if it is you will let your boyfriend figure things out and join you or live his own life. Sometimes, and usually, we have to let go of people, places and things so that we can save our own lives! Recovery takes everything you have! It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Today i have to live and breath recovery or I will slowly dive into a life of the past. There is no middle road. Either you are on one side or you are on the other. It sounds like you are trying very hard to cross over but keeping one foot on the other side because of fear. I encourage you to cross over. Crossing over for you would mean stop calling your boyfriend. It does not mean stop worrying but stop calling. Separate yourself from the situation. It is not about you. Are you going to meetings, AA? Do you have a sponsor? How are you staying clean?

Dee74

hey Tate

the important thing to remember here is you asked your bf to leave for good reasons - you didn't tell him to go to NY and have a party - that was his decision.

He's a adult. He can look after himself - I hope he decides to start doing that soon.

Maybe, as Anna says, you need to step back a little more and focus on yourself for now?

D

tate9685

Thanks everyone. I hear in all your advice that I need to focus on myself, step back, take time for myself. I am trying. I try not to think about him. I went to an AA meeting tonight. That helped. I miss him. He is my best friend. When we spend time together not drinking, we are very normal....make dinner, watch t.v., laugh and talk, take walks, etc. He is a very kind person and I just miss him, that's all. ALOT. I agree that he should not move back in until and if he decides to get and stay sober and has at least 30 or 60 days clean. I hope he is safe tonight and I am glad that I didn't drink today. thanks again

rabbit430

I would give him the untimatum, be clean together or be separated for good. Let him know you care but that his behavior is putting you at risk. At the end of the day its you who you have to look out for

Nighthawk8820

I know you love him and everything, but it also sounds like your a tad co-dependent and obsessive. Right now, you need to be focusing on your own recovery, which mean limiting stress and worrying about yourself. You cant control him or what he does, and trying to do so will drive you to the nut house. Let him go, set all that free, and do the self work you need to for recovery to be a success.

This relationship is toxic, and if you keep focusing on it, you are bound to get sucked back into using and other dysfunctions. It may be a nice distraction at the moment, but you really need to be worrying about you and your own sobriety. No more bargains, no more deals..........he moves out and you move on (at least for now). I want you to be successful with this, so sorry if I am coming off rude, I dont mean to.

tate9685

Nighthawk. You are right. I am behaving obsessively and like a co-dependent...I guess I wasn't happy enough with being an alcoholic so I went out and found another so now I get to experience both sides. I am really, really trying not to think about him. I admit I have called his number today again and the phone is turned off. The guy that answered said he would try to find my b/f and at least call me back, but he hasn't. I just know that something bad has happened to him. Hospital, jail...something like that. How can I stop thinking about it. I DONT want to and you are right it is driving me nuts. I feel like I can barely breathe. I thought about just turning my phone off so I wouldnt keep checking it over and over to see if I have a text or missed a call. I even called his Mom's work (b/c she is not answering her home # and doesnt have voice mail)...they are supposed to leave a message for her. How do I not worry, if I know him and I know he would call me by now unless he is in the hospital or jail or dead somewhere. Please help. I really want to stay sober and be successful too. Thank you!

visch1

Hi. I understand worry, it surrounds me at times! In AA there is a suggestion to turn it over and ask for help when we are troubled. It works if we work it. BE WELL