JMD6

Hi there, this is the first time I've ever written on a forum. I'm 34 and have an alcoholic boyfriend. This is something I have never had to deal with before & I'm not quite sure why I am? Scared of being alone again I think. I read people's posts & try to listen to my common sense, but keep on giving chances. I know how ridiculous it sounds even and how easy it is for people to say just leave, as well as realizing the bad is outweighing the good. As I write this he is out on a bender, has been since yesterday. He's not a bad person, alcohol is ruining us.

Katiekate

Hi JDM, welcome to the forum.

You are among friends.

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and the pain that we all know it causes.

I hope you make yourself at home, please read the stickies at the top of the friends and family page. It's a good place to start.

Keep posting and know that you are not alone.

love to you, Katie

JMD6

Thank you so much for your kind response Katie and making me feel welcome.

HopefulinFLA

Hi JMD,

I feel for you and your situation, my heart goes out to you!

You've come to a good place here. Lots of people with great wisdom and stories, people who have already been through it and lived to tell!

It's not ridiculous. It's really hard when you're in the midst of the craziness to know when to say when. Sometimes that "I'm just done" feeling hasn't come yet. I think I'm sitting right beside you in that!

Hang in there and keep coming back. We're all here for you.

JMD6

Thank you so much! I've said so many times I can't keep doing this & if you stuff this weekend up for example that's it and of course he stuffs it up. Right now I don't even know if he's passed out in public or what the hell he could be doing. Anything could happen to him & it's not fair when alcohol takes over his behavior and actions affect everyone else. I've told him until I'm blue in the face how much things need to change & he keeps saying they will & he's trying. I dread the thought of what's going to happen next.

JMD6

I'm not sure what to do when I do hear from him tonight or in the morning? Do I ignore him so he realizes what he's done? It's not like I haven't told him 100 times before that this is not ok.. He knows it's not... when he's sober!

LexieCat

So why do you keep making these statements--giving him these ultimatums that are not really ultimatums--at all? Your statements are as empty as his promises.

One thing you will learn if you go to Al-Anon (which I highly recommend) is that it's not a good idea to say things you don't mean. Obviously you aren't ready to leave him, so stop making threats that you will. Not saying those things doesn't imply approval of what he is doing.

There is a lot to learn about how alcoholism "works" and what you can do to make your own life better regardless of what he does. You can't control or cure his alcoholism. You can only work on your own self and make your life look the way you want it to look. It isn't an overnight process. Stick around here, and also find an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon saved MY sanity.

Tawna

JMD I think if you read through some of the posts here you'll find there's some pretty typical behavior of all alcoholics - the continued broken promises is one of them. A friend said to me recently - alcoholics don't have relationships, they take prisoners. It's really hard to break out of that prison.

Can I suggest picking up the book "Codependant No More"? You might be surprised by how much you see of yourself in the book. Also, there are a ton of resources out there on addiction, what it is, how it develops. I'm a firm believer in knowledge is power!

Take care.

JMD6

Clearly that's why I'm here to learn how to deal with this.. And from what I have been reading I understand that I have been doing the wrong thing so far. It's all new to me!

LexieCat

"Ignoring him so he realizes what he's done" is a control tactic. As you noted, you've told him 100 times before that this is not OK and he knows it. So what is the point of saying it again?

Unless and until he chooses to recover, this is the behavior you can expect from him. If you are sticking with him anyway, I would ignore the BENDER, not him.

JMD6

Thanks Tawna, your advise is very helpful and true. Maybe if I didn't care so much I wouldn't stand for it.. We'll see and I'll get the book. Thanks again

HopefulinFLA

You sound like you're reading the story of my life. And you're right, it's just not fair. This blog has helped me immensely in starting to restore some peace in my life Through An Al-Anon Filter

Couple of things I've learned and am learning to put into practice to help preserve my sanity!

1) It's his problem, not mine. I do my darndest to let it be that way. I'm not responsible for any of the stupid things he does. If he can't pay his phone bill because he spent all his money on a bender, too bad, figure it out dude!

2)There isn't much I can say or do that's going to make a lasting difference until he's ready for it. When I stop expecting it to make a difference, I'm far less disappointed. Changing his behavior is all up to him when and if he's ready, not when I ask for it.

3)Protect yourself. By that I mean financially and having a plan B. Knowing exactly what you'll do if you decide you've had enough, and having the resources to do so in place. That right there is what truly preserves my sanity!

Hang in there!

Recovering2

Sadly, he doesn't need your permission or approval to drink. He's going to do what he wants to do, and he has the right to do it....even if it's a bad plan. He's an A, he will continue to get worse as the disease progresses. You say you're afraid of being alone, but I can tell you from experience there is nothing more lonely than life with an A.

Threats, ultimatums, reminders of what this does to you, ignoring him....none of that works. He knows what he's doing, and he knows that you're tolerating it for now. The only thing you have any control over is your own life and choices.

Please find an AlAnon meeting near you, and start attending. You will find much experience, strength, and hope in those meetings. Everyone has been, or is, in your shoes. it will help you to start sorting out your feelings and making good choices for yourself.

thislonelygirl

When you love someone sometimes its hard to just walk away even when we know we should. Its easier to just never start ..sometimes we dobt get that choice. Welcome to sr .

ZenMe

I used to give my relationships 3 chances before I felt like it was hopeless and things weren't going to change. My rule is now 1 chance because guess what? there is really no difference between chance #2 to 100 and all in between.

JMD6

Thank you to all of you for your messages, support & advice, i am taking something from each & every message. It is a very hard situation to be in & to leave sometimes, I definitely do wish I knew before hand.. I do have a bit of a different outlook & way with words now after coming on here, so I'm glad about that. I definitely won't be covering for him with anything & for chances at this stage I'm giving until the end of this month, he doesn't know that as yet though!

mcaiwas

JMD, I know that as a newcomer, some responses seemed harsh. I'm just learning about how to heal myself after living with an alcoholic for over 10 years - the advise is right on! Keep reading and you'll receive so much helpful information on how to begin.
Do you know how to find an Al-anon group in your area? Between the board and Al-anon, I'm just starting to find my way... It's all becoming clearer every day.