Marieee0906

Ok so I have 5 months clean and I started seeing this guy and were hviv sex. But like to be completely honest I feel like its making my life very unmanageable. I hate that I truly don't know whAt he wants out of this Nd I'm driving myself crazy. What do I do???? Help

EndGameNYC

Might be helpful to ask yourself what you want out of this.

I'm neither for nor against relationships in early sobriety, though this would have complicated my life to an unacceptable degree. I needed all the help I could get at five months, and was in no position to tend to the needs and desires of someone else. Relationships are also a great place to hide, focus on someone else's stuff instead of ourselves, and they provide an excuse to not take care of ourselves as well as we might on our own.

Drinking is one among many ways we can make our lives unmanageable, and we don't do unmanageable well. It all depends on what you want and what you're willing to handle.

Mizzuno

What do you want to do?

Lightning Bug

Sex is controllable. Do you want it or not?

Nuudawn

You know...for your own well being..emotionally..it's best you find that sort of things out before sex...otherwise..well, you're a nutbar (well, at least I'd be..or have been!). In my drinking days I always fell into bed far too quickly..before I knew answers to such things (and then I became a somewhat obsessive, insecure moron). I figured I was rather liberated and that sex could simply be had for sex sake. Hmmmm..well, I'm also a woman and I'm not sure my mind actually operates that way.

Sex is but one star in the constellation of a human being. We really should know a whole lot more stars before we reduce the bulk of our relationship ..to just one of them.

Why the sex before you truly knew what was going on?

LadyinBC

Personally I think it is best to stay out of any kind of relationship for at least your first year. That was the advice I was given.

I have way too much baggage to deal with, I don't need the added stress of someone else. Work on yourself first before bringing someone else in, that is just my opinion.

GroundhogDay

Echoing what the others said:

1) What do you want?
2) If it is more than casual sex, you need to establish that and be in agreement with the other person before you have sex.

If he views this as a casual relationship and you don't, then you need to end it before you get hurt any more than you already have.

Marieee0906

I guess like it seems like a relationship to me but hes just scared that I'm gonna get high. I feel like he don't believe I can stay clean he has almost a year but for real all we really got is today. I feel like he thinks he's different then me

FreedomSought

I'm glad that we can ask questions like this here. In my area there is a 1 year suggestion. No relationships in your first year. For me, that's easy, I am+was a loner stoner I also got the SLAA big book to help me take an inventory of my past relationships and sex life.

Sobering up is a vulnerable state. I need to talk to people, but I get scared of strangers (used to be I could numb that with some weed and enjoy social situations with anyone!) so I take my time writing and the forums are a gift.

tootsl1

Marieee, where is the relationship if he doesn't trust you? Sounds like he is getting what he wants, without any kind of commitment. Treat yourself better honey and make him wait. If he is serious, he will give you the chance to show him you are as serious as him about your sobriety. If he isn't, you dodged a bullet

DorianLastname

How much of this is you thinking it might be the case compared to what is actually true? Maybe he doesn't even feel that way, but you drive yourself nuts based on the idea that he does.

Talk to him about this. If you can't talk about these things, you need to work on that first. It's about building trust, a connection. A relationship where you feel safe and free to talk about things freely.

Maybe in reality things are a lot different than you fear them to be.

wakko

Relationships can be dangerous in early sobriety. Taking care of me was more than a full time job

GracieLou

I think this is something you may want to look at.

You seem to feel these are an issue but are they really?

I know that my mind can spin a web faster than Charlotte every could. I can and will go round and round. In most cases I have created my own demise.

Did I say something wrong?, Did I not say something that I should have?, Should I have not said anything at all?

In the end it may not even be about me but being the self centered alcoholic that I am that is the first place I go. I really need to work on that...lol

FreedomSought

Oh ya also they'd probably tell me, go talk to your sponsor about it, what they think of the relationship, you must have a female sponsor by now, women with the women

DayTrader

Mariee--

With the clarity of hindsight, I used drinking in an an attempt to try to fill some holes in my life - mental, emotional and spiritual holes. (I could argue that it wasn't so much a choice I made so much as the only choice I knew but that's another discussion....).

Truth is, it worked for quite a while but the whole time (pun not intended ), I knew it was just a band-aid.

Once I quit drinking and started working on sobriety and recovery......there were those holes again. So....logically....I went looking for something to fill them - something to "make me feel better." I came up with a girlfriend and getting laid......oh.....and working out and making more money at work. Just like the booze, all of them worked for a while but they all turned out to be panaceas.....mirages.

There's a phrase in AA - "To thine own self be true."

When I was able to really get honest with myself and look at what was REALLY going on......I just substituted one external remedy for another when the problem wasn't one to be solved by inserting something external - the solution was internal. Interestingly enough, what I ended up finding out was that I wasn't "missing" something that needed to be found/implemented but rather I needed to go inside and work on subtracting a lot of junk (old ideas, old behaviors, old prejudices, and so on).

I wish you luck.......seems like you're already plugging into some pretty important concepts in recovery (namely, that one can relive their alcohol addiction in many other facets of life......and if that's true, it's ME who's the problem - not alcohol).