Tawna

Hi everyone,

Just me wanting to pick your collective brains again. It's been a tough weekend.

I think I mentioned in my first post that ex is a widow with two children (18 and 12) that he has been raising on his own since his wife died suddenly six years ago.

Somehow these two boys have managed to turn out to be kind, polite, intelligent remarkable kids. Ahhh frig I don't know if I can even type out the story without losing my mind with grief.

I've grown to love these boys over the past year - as much as I love my own kids. They're like little sponges - soaking up every little bit of maternal affection I showed them and throwing it back to me tenfold. The youngest boy asked my niece a month ago "do you think my Mom in heaven would be hurt because I love Tawna?" He smiles at me like I've hung the damn moon and stars.

And now I've left them. The oldest OD'd Friday night. He was out partying and took some pill that was being passed around a party and landed in the hospital. J (the youngest) called me Saturday morning crying. I managed to get him calmed down and got the story out of him. Older brother was ok and they were releasing him yesterday but poor little J. My heart is breaking for him. Yet he's not mine to keep safe, he's not mine to console. I don't know how to turn my back on these kids but I can't see how I can be there for them without allowing their father's crap into my life. This isn't about me wanting to save them. Their father is an adult and has made his own bed. They are just innocent kids who have had their world ripped apart already....and now I'm leaving them. How is that in any way shape or form fair? I know, life is not fair - it's a crappy lesson to learn but haven't they had enough?

It's hard, as a caring compassionate human being - let alone someone who loves those kids to death - to find a way to make this ok in my mind.

Hammer

So why cannot you not help the 12 year old?

You have the connection. And in that regard (mho) the obligation.

I guess Dad/your now EX? And he is an A of some sort?

Get the kid in Alateen, get the school Therapist lined up, get Social Services on the phone. Let your Alanon group know YOU NEED REAL (not just talk crap) HELP NOW. Most take the 5th tradition Very Seriously:

5. Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

Good God, Girlfriend. There are kids at risk. If one will not stir off their butt for this, then when?

Tawna

Hammer - I ended my engagement and relationship with their father this week. As with most alcoholics he refuses to hear anything that might make him feel emotion and in turn has refused to admit that I've ended it. He's verbally abusive when drinking and he's been drunk every night for 14 days now. So I'm ignoring his phone calls - sometimes 30 a day - in an effort to protect myself. I've stopped listening to his voicemails so that my mailbox is full and he can't leave anymore and trying really hard just to deal with the death of the hopes and dreams I had for a future together. So stirring off my butt is not something I have trouble doing.

In my fog of emotion I guess I was doubting whether or not I should take action. Alanon is a great idea and as soon as I find a group and learn what the steps are I'm sure that will help.

Thanks for the reply.

djayr

Try to be there for the kids; that is a noble and good hearted motivation you have in your heart and it is because you love those kids. The question is how and in what way. Lord have mercy.

Recovering2

Do you have contact with any of his family? Aunts/Uncles, etc? I totally understand needing to not get pulled in to the ex-A's life again. Is social service involved? Seems like you could contact Social Service at the hospital and share your concern.

Hammer

Hey sorry Tawna,

That was WAY over the top by me. Sorry. I was wigging out a little last night.

The stirring off the butt the thing to protect the kids . . . was . . . . way more about me than you.

Sorry.

back to yours . . . just try to do the right and good you can. You may have some variation of this -- you can do no more, you should do no less.

Florence

There's no harm in letting the kids know you will provide a soft place to fall if they need it. Send birthday cards and holiday gifts, make sure they have your number. Write emails with silly jokes and expressions of love. Leave those lines open.

Jazzman

I can relate, believe me. My story is too long to type but I made the choice to severely limit contact with my ex step children for a multitude of reasons. It just plain sucked. As they got older I could stay in touch some but still it's very limited.

Tuffgirl

Is he trying to limit contact between you and the boys? If not, then keep the contact up as much as you want. If so, give it some time to cool off, and try again.

If its important to you to maintain contact, do it to the best of your ability.

My ex - my girls Step-Dad and the A in our lives - just dropped off the face of the earth, denying he was hurting them in any fashion. A year later and we still have some aftermath. Hence my encouragement to you to stay involved at the level you feel comfortable, as long as they reach out to you.

Damn - its the kids who end up the victims in it all, right? It is heartbreaking.
~T

Sueski

Yes, just keep those lines of communication open as much as you can, and if you can see that things are unsafe for the kids - call whatever agency is appropriate. Make sure they know you are there for THEM although not for the father.

I feel for you - I adore my stepson.