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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
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Hey! Just looking for some advice and someone to talk to. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. I know that he was previously through rehab a few years ago but it obviously didn't work very well.
We are separated by distance at the moment. When we are together, he seems fine and really doesn't drink a ton and he is not destructive. BUT, when we are apart, he goes to the bar with his friends every day of the week. His texts will start out (before he is drunk) as Miss you honey....but 4 hours later, he is being very hurtful and cursing me out. Last night he even accused me of having some secret affair with my sisters husband. (my sister and I had a good laugh about that)
Our relationship is very new and I am wondering if I just need to cut my losses. His brother had texted me and told me how happy he was that we were together...that he feels his brother has never looked so happy. His friends say that they have seen such a change in him since we got together.
I don't know what to do but I do know that I cannot tolerate his behavior. I'm wondering if it is our current distance at the moment and if things will go back to being ok once I'm home.
Thanks for listening....
We are separated by distance at the moment. When we are together, he seems fine and really doesn't drink a ton and he is not destructive. BUT, when we are apart, he goes to the bar with his friends every day of the week. His texts will start out (before he is drunk) as Miss you honey....but 4 hours later, he is being very hurtful and cursing me out. Last night he even accused me of having some secret affair with my sisters husband. (my sister and I had a good laugh about that)
Our relationship is very new and I am wondering if I just need to cut my losses. His brother had texted me and told me how happy he was that we were together...that he feels his brother has never looked so happy. His friends say that they have seen such a change in him since we got together.
I don't know what to do but I do know that I cannot tolerate his behavior. I'm wondering if it is our current distance at the moment and if things will go back to being ok once I'm home.
Thanks for listening....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, KCtoPA! Glad you found SR, but sorry that you had a need to seek this kind of help. I've found a lot of help here and hope you find the same.
From what you say, you would indeed be wise to cut your losses in this new relationship. There is simply no point in starting a life w/an active alcoholic. He will not get sober until/unless HE decides he needs to, and all you will have in the meantime is pain, abuse and lies. You certainly deserve better than that!
We have a "Family and Friends" section of the forum here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information where you might like to do some reading and posting. Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of that page, either, as there's a lot of good info there. You'll learn a lot about alcoholism, and that can only help you in making your decision about this relationship.
Again, welcome to SR. Wishing you strength and clarity.
From what you say, you would indeed be wise to cut your losses in this new relationship. There is simply no point in starting a life w/an active alcoholic. He will not get sober until/unless HE decides he needs to, and all you will have in the meantime is pain, abuse and lies. You certainly deserve better than that!
We have a "Family and Friends" section of the forum here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information where you might like to do some reading and posting. Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of that page, either, as there's a lot of good info there. You'll learn a lot about alcoholism, and that can only help you in making your decision about this relationship.
Again, welcome to SR. Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 4
Thank you very much for the welcome. I'm really sad about this. I really really like him. As I said, it's only been 3 months and when we are together things are great. Unfortunately, for the next 3 weeks, we are apart. And wow, do I feel like I am making excuses for him....YIKES!
I'm not really new to alcoholism...my brother was an alcoholic and he was full of the lies, cheating and deceit. My guy isn't quite as bad but the abusive talk to me at night is enough to make me want to run.
Anyway, I will check out the family and friends section.
I'm not really new to alcoholism...my brother was an alcoholic and he was full of the lies, cheating and deceit. My guy isn't quite as bad but the abusive talk to me at night is enough to make me want to run.
Anyway, I will check out the family and friends section.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
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I'm sure you are right.....
It is awfully early for this to be happening. It's also the typical behavior of him the next morning to act like nothing ever happened. He kind of makes me feel like I'm the crazy one.
Last night he had the nerve to tell me that I have too many red flags. This was after he accused me of having the secret affair with my sister's husband. He is completely delusional.
I assume I just need to end this and not let it go any further. My husband passed away from cancer 10 years ago and I've been so successful at picking all the wrong men.
It is awfully early for this to be happening. It's also the typical behavior of him the next morning to act like nothing ever happened. He kind of makes me feel like I'm the crazy one.
Last night he had the nerve to tell me that I have too many red flags. This was after he accused me of having the secret affair with my sister's husband. He is completely delusional.
I assume I just need to end this and not let it go any further. My husband passed away from cancer 10 years ago and I've been so successful at picking all the wrong men.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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KC, I often see the book "Codependent No More" recommended as a tool in helping to break a pattern of behavior like you're describing ("picking all the wrong men").
Most (healthy) people would not tolerate ANY verbal abuse or wild accusations--they would say "goodbye, good luck, I'm outta here!". Yet one after another, you can read stories here from those of us who have tolerated that and much, much more--because we have some degree or another of codependency, believing that somehow we can fix them, heal them, love them sober. Well, if that was true, this site would not exist.
You can almost certainly pick up this book at your local library. I'd suggest taking a look thru it and seeing what you might be able to work on/change in your life and outlook so that you can better recognize a good choice for a partner and know right away that the red flags you see are not just figments of your imagination. Staying around b/c of his perceived "potential" is not going to be a great idea....
Alcoholism is a progressive disease; it will only get worse. You said you have experience w/this in your brother. It will be no prettier w/a boyfriend or husband.
Most (healthy) people would not tolerate ANY verbal abuse or wild accusations--they would say "goodbye, good luck, I'm outta here!". Yet one after another, you can read stories here from those of us who have tolerated that and much, much more--because we have some degree or another of codependency, believing that somehow we can fix them, heal them, love them sober. Well, if that was true, this site would not exist.
You can almost certainly pick up this book at your local library. I'd suggest taking a look thru it and seeing what you might be able to work on/change in your life and outlook so that you can better recognize a good choice for a partner and know right away that the red flags you see are not just figments of your imagination. Staying around b/c of his perceived "potential" is not going to be a great idea....
Alcoholism is a progressive disease; it will only get worse. You said you have experience w/this in your brother. It will be no prettier w/a boyfriend or husband.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
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You are right....I need to get the book and read it.
As I type this, I know he is at the bar and most likely drunk. He is texting me a bunch bull crap. He is saying that I never trust him which is never been true. It is all just very destructive. I have no clue why I want to subject myself to this.
I am a good person and do not deserve this. It's easy to see why he is in his mid 40's and never been married.
Thank you for your kind words...I will find the book. I think I need some help.
As I type this, I know he is at the bar and most likely drunk. He is texting me a bunch bull crap. He is saying that I never trust him which is never been true. It is all just very destructive. I have no clue why I want to subject myself to this.
I am a good person and do not deserve this. It's easy to see why he is in his mid 40's and never been married.
Thank you for your kind words...I will find the book. I think I need some help.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
welcome to SR KCtoPA 
I agree with those who've said any kind of abuse is unacceptable.
If this is a new relationship, chances are it will only get worse.
Look after yourself, and think about what you want and deserve from a relationship
D
I agree with those who've said any kind of abuse is unacceptable.
If this is a new relationship, chances are it will only get worse.
Look after yourself, and think about what you want and deserve from a relationship
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 257
right now, there are 3.5 billion men on this planet.
You sound like a lady who will attract many high quality suitors.
Spend your efforts on improving yourself.... not submitting to a loser.
I have two daughters, can't help myself. Sorry.
You sound like a lady who will attract many high quality suitors.
Spend your efforts on improving yourself.... not submitting to a loser.
I have two daughters, can't help myself. Sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 807
Whenever my daughter complains about a guy when they are early in the relationship I always tell her "remember, this is as good as it is going to get." Usually she dumps him right away well, except for this last one.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by KCtoPA 
His brother had texted me and told me how happy he was that we were together...that he feels his brother has never looked so happy. His friends say that they have seen such a change in him since we got together.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by KCtoPA
As I type this, I know he is at the bar and most likely drunk. He is texting me a bunch bull crap. He is saying that I never trust him which is never been true. It is all just very destructive. I have no clue why I want to subject myself to this.
Check your wallet and head for the door.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Originally Posted by KCtoPA
I He kind of makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. Last night he had the nerve to tell me that I have too many red flags. This was after he accused me of having the secret affair with my sister's husband. He is completely delusional.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hi KC I'm new to this site too and have already found it incredibly helpful. My husband is an alcoholic and has just run back to his alcoholic ex. I thought I could help him, heal him etc etc. The more I did for him the worse he became. He verbally and emotionally abused me in the last 2 to 3 months and it was escalating.
He blamed me for everything...it was dragging me down and my self esteem was hitting rock bottom. I am still in a state of shock over what's happened but the more I read about alcoholism the more I realise that life is so much better alone that with an alcoholic.
My advice would be to get out of this toxic relationship before it drags you down. Its a hard decision to make but believe me you will be happier in the future. I'm telling myself this every day!!!
He blamed me for everything...it was dragging me down and my self esteem was hitting rock bottom. I am still in a state of shock over what's happened but the more I read about alcoholism the more I realise that life is so much better alone that with an alcoholic.
My advice would be to get out of this toxic relationship before it drags you down. Its a hard decision to make but believe me you will be happier in the future. I'm telling myself this every day!!!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Yes, there are worse things in life than being alone.
Originally Posted by martina12
Hi KC I'm new to this site too and have already found it incredibly helpful. My husband is an alcoholic and has just run back to his alcoholic ex. I thought I could help him, heal him etc etc. The more I did for him the worse he became. He verbally and emotionally abused me in the last 2 to 3 months and it was escalating.
He blamed me for everything...it was dragging me down and my self esteem was hitting rock bottom. I am still in a state of shock over what's happened but the more I read about alcoholism the more I realise that life is so much better alone that with an alcoholic.
My advice would be to get out of this toxic relationship before it drags you down. Its a hard decision to make but believe me you will be happier in the future. I'm telling myself this every day!!!
He blamed me for everything...it was dragging me down and my self esteem was hitting rock bottom. I am still in a state of shock over what's happened but the more I read about alcoholism the more I realise that life is so much better alone that with an alcoholic.
My advice would be to get out of this toxic relationship before it drags you down. Its a hard decision to make but believe me you will be happier in the future. I'm telling myself this every day!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Welcome to SR KC
Last night he had the nerve to tell me that I have too many red flags. In my opinion this sounds to me like the perfect reason to shut down the relationship without much arguing, as they are his own words. And leave the relationship you should.
This is hardly acceptable in a mature relationship let alone a new one.
Take good care.
Originally Posted by KCtoPA
Last night he had the nerve to tell me that I have too many red flags.
This is hardly acceptable in a mature relationship let alone a new one.
Take good care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by LuLu13
Whenever my daughter complains about a guy when they are early in the relationship I always tell her "remember, this is as good as it is going to get."
Also, I agree with what everyone else here has said, K. I once had a boyfriend who sounds very similar to yours with the crazy texts and accusations and it definitely did not get better. You're seeing the Jekyll and Hyde of an alcoholic and if your brother suffered, then you know it is not going to magically go away or get better unless he decides to stop.
You deserve better. There are plenty of guys out there who do not act like this and who are not abusive. Sounds like your gut has been telling you that anyway.
Listen to your gut. Cut your losses and know that there is a better choice for you out there.
Best wishes and glad you posted!!
Last edited by Ptcapote; 08-05-2013 at 12:38 PM. Reason: typo
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