keeper7

So I have four small kids(2-10) and am 20wks pregnant my oldest two are not AH and he has not adopted them by his own choice, the money for booze was more important. On the advice of therapist and to county legal aid I have pulled my two oldest from parenting time. Needless to say AH is not happy he has raised the kids sense they were 18m. and 3.5years he is the only dad they know, this was not an easy or lightly made decision. Now he is riding me that I need to stop listening to other people because I know him and they don't and also that I need to have more faith that God will carry us through.
The thing is I do know him I know I he is the man who was drunk and took all four kids shooting(I was at a doctors appointment 45min. Away) and let the little ones run around wild while he shot with the older ones. He was the one who had/made my 8year old shoot the rifle by herself anid it kicked back and and the hammer hit her eye brow splitting it open...what if it would have been worse he was to drunk to drive? I know him he is the one who asked my ten year old to steer the pick up truck he was towing up a three mile hilly, curved county road after I told him not to get my son out of bed. That as soon as I finished my shower(shampoo in my hair already) I would help him. Yes I know him he is the man who sat drinking with a 19year old friend i asked him not to invite when my parents and best friend and her kids were over for dinner. He's 35a and in law enforcement should know better. I know he is the man who has done these things and others that have put the kids and me in dangerous situations. I know he is the man who has never admitted any of these things were wrong. I know he is the man who has never asked for forgiveness. I know he is the man who can point out my wrongs all day long and to never see his own. I know he is the man who plays the nice fun parent sofor the kidskids will "like" him with no thought about teaching them what is right or responsible. I know he is the man who drank every last dime, leaving the kids and I stranded for weeks on end with no gas out on a 1200acre ranch with the closest person over 3miles away.
And he tells me I need more faith??
I was the one who had the faith to pack my kids and pregnant self up and move into town witb no income and just one months rent in my purse. I was the one who had the faith to reach out and trust a lovely community to help. I am the one who is going back to school for my CNA for a job that just fell in my lap. I have faith G-d and will provide a working fule efficient vehicle(I drive a 1987 suburban). And yes I have the faith that if my AH is really sober and really willing to take recovery serious that G-d will heal our relationship in time, most likely a very long time!
I have neither seen nor heard a change in his words or actions, not towards me, not towards my children and not towards himself(it's always poor him and how hard he has it!)
I'm not going back any time soon and maybe not ever and I have faith that I and my kids will be beyond ok, we will not just be surviving but we will thrive no matter the choice my AH makes. Taking it one day at a time and holding on to friends and faith for strength.
Sorry for being so long, just needed to share and vent!
I look forward to getting to know more people on here and to giving and recieving support.

Bubovski

This is a pretty sad story.
Need to think about it a bit.
Faith and no good action is a bit of a joke IMO.
Trust God as best you can.

AnvilheadII

he's quacking....that is where alcoholics make noise about how everyone else is WRONG...without taking a modicum of responsibility.


you are done. you are out. your kids are SAFE. THAT is faith. any person that wouldn't put their LIFE down for a chld is unworthy.

Spinner-007

My AW likes to pull at my faith as a show piece only: bringing out the bible while never opening it, praying like God is a credit card(get me through this and I'll owe you one, big guy), and just wanting lite talk about church but never wanting to go.

I don't push her, i just go on my own and don't initiate any talk about God, faith, or any of it.

She tries to use my faith to keep it going just one more day, but in no time a beer, shot, beneadryl, pill, etc is not too far in the future for her.

Like all addicts, your husband has(had) it the way he wants it: got his drug of choice and a comfortable setting, and a soft bed to pass out in, with a warm body on top of that.

How dare we as their spouses to mess all that up! We're a selfish bunch, aren't we?!

All jest aside, I'm sorry you(and all of us) are going through this. Everytime I read here about someone dealing with an addict but not being married or have any children involved, I just want to scream my loudest through the screen:

RUN!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!! IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU!!!!

Your family is in my prayers.

Rosiepetal

Good for you.
You & your children can thrive on your own, believe me.
Congrats on making the healthy choice.
Hugs.

keeper7

I have made good actions I have filed for legal separation, I have a court order for supervised parenting time dependent on clean U/As and childsupport. I have the older kids and I in therapy. I have started the paperwork and tests to get a full grant for my schooling and I have at least two job opportunities lined up that are local for me and sense I am very rural and live in the same town have a very good shot at either one. I also have childcare lined up. And to top it all off I homeschool and have started the kids school work for this year. All in the last month...plenty of faith in action!!

Recovering2

AMEN !!! Sounds like you are on a great path!

Hammer

Back towards the start . . .

generally faith in God is a good thing.

Faith in an A . . . probably not so much of a good thing.

Bubovski

I was referring to your husband ,not you.

hisimage48

With all heart felt honesty;I am in awe of your courage and faith.

lizatola

I feel the same way. I came on to tell the OP that my sister lives in Colorado, is divorcing her cheating husband, lives in the basement of her friend's house with her 2 kids, and drives a beat up old Suburban, too! She has no job, just lost her house, and filed for bankruptcy last year. You both inspire me!

Also, I homeschool, too, so I know the struggles you face with that on your plate, as well. Great big hugs to you and keep coming back. This is a wonderful place for support!

keeper7

Thank you all for your support it means a lot!! I just found out I got my grant!!! I have to do a little more paperwork but I will be starting classes on sept. 18!!! And igot childcare all lined up already! I am so excited to see what life has for me and the kids!

On a side note AH has been sober 30 days, I am thinking of having the supervised visitation dropped back to a partial supervision where basically as long as another adult can verify he is not drunk at supervision he can start spending time with them alone, like instead of staying at the suppervisors home the whole time, he can walk the kids to the park by himself. I'm still not ok with him driving with them or them going to his house by themselves but I do see enabling a little more freedom as long as he is sober. He is a good dad when not drinking at all and has passed all his U/As. Just loooking for some different perspectives. I live in a 'father friendly' state and need to prove to the court I am willing to work with him on parenting time. I just don't want to move to fast as it's harder to take back ground you have already given.

Recovering2

30 days is not a long time. Like you said, it's harder to take back ground when you've given it up. I would say give it more time, honestly, alot more time. You can't afford to make mistakes where your kids are involved.

PurpleWilder

Go for a year, at least. Alkies are good at fooling the system and skating by when they KNOW they are being watched.

It will be interesting to see what happens to his FOID permit should he get caught both drunk and with firearms.

keeper7

Not sure what a FOID permit is. I know 30 days is not alot, I am very much feeling torn because of the people in my life I have some who will only help me if I am 100% committed to divorce and others wh think I am being to harsh. I feel like everyone expects me to see it their way and no one else realizes. That it's my life and I have to live with the choices not them. Everyone has their $0.02 and none realizes I'm not holding out my hat. Sorry to whine I am just amazed how many times I have been told "a I can only support you if...." like their help some how gives them rights to my life choices. And I'm not talking about money or free handouts, I'm just talkiing like having coffee and *paid* childcare while I go to school. I guess making hard life decisions really shows you who your friends are.

wicked

Yep, you will learn who really knows how to walk the walk, not just talk to you about
how you should do it.
You keep doing the next right thing for you and by extension your children.
Some people can be soooooo silly.
Instead of giving you props and offering help, you got, I will help with conditions.
Nope, don't need that.
You seem to be doing pretty dang good like you are, keep on truckin keeper!

30 days is good, but not good enough to get to spend time with his children alone.
After what you described, wow, I would have a hard time letting him spend time
with my kids without a breathalyzer.
If he is not doing any serious recovery work, this is white knuckling, and when he
goes back out, it could be bad.

Especially in a father friendly state. I would give the minimum, 30 days is great progress
from the alcoholics point of view, but for the kids?
I would think they would be more comfortable with supervision too.

And, he has to make some MAJOR changes in his attitude and actions
towards everyone. Poor him, uh, NO!
Self pity mixed with newly sober drunk, not good.
I wish him recovery, but he has to do the work.
Self pity is not part of the program. Any program.

Beth

PS

for being here keeper, and for doing such a great job for yourself and
your kids!

Catherine628

Your story is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing it.

wysiwyg

Seriously - you are a rockstar!

keeper7

Thanks everyone for your support. I really needed it this morning, I have had a long busy week and am starting to feel very burned out. I know everyone tells me to take care of myself but that is easier said then done especially with little kids. I have just over 4weeks until classes start and so much to do just trying to take it one day at a time. I am looking forward to being back on a schedule and having some normalcy in our home. One day at a time, one moment, one choice at a time is all I can handle right now...I am so tired of hearing what my plans/goals are for 3-5 years from now. That is just to far off for me to think about I am just sticking with my today, this week, this month, 3 months from now and six months and one year goals thats all I can handle. Life changes too much and too fast to try to plan anything beyond that!

OT I had my 20 week ultrasound yesterday and found out I am having a boy! Exciting yet very bittersweet. I guess that is how I am feeling today...bittersweet. thanks for letting me vent again.