Trying, but can't seem to get it right
International Man of Mystery
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 213
Trying, but can't seem to get it right
A few months ago I posted the reason that led me here. I'm 31, and a heavy daily drinker. And I hate that fact. Since that post I have tried to quit twice by myself. I simply don't make the money I need for a detox treatment, so I've tried to go cold turkey with no success.
The most recent time was this last week. After work I bought a 12 pack with all intentions of drinking it all when I got home. A co-worker talked me into 'a' beer, but that turned into pitchers and shots. I walked home, and opened up that 12 pack and drank the entire thing. I woke up the next morning still drunk and I knew I couldn't work. I called out and the first thought in my head was to go to 7-11 and get more beer.
It was at this point it hit me that I need to stop doing this to myself. I told myself that I needed 7 days sober. I had to prove to myself that I could do that, and move on from there. I had called out that day, and had the next two days off. Normally they would have been a blur but I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a day off and not drink. By 4pm the first day I was starting to get sick from not drinking. I was throwing up, my hands were shaking, I was sweating, I felt hot, I could feel my heart racing. I knew it was withdrawal, but I was surprised at how fast it could happen. I tried to sleep, but stayed up all night sweating and shivering.
Day two was worse. I was tired, and the shaking hands were so bad I couldn't type on my keyboard or drink a cup of water. I layed in bed all day wondering why I let myself get so dependant on alcohol that I was more sick without it than with it. I spent the day in bed, sweating and shaking. It was so bad I put towels on my bed to soak the sweat. I tried to sleep, couldn't do it. Just layed there with my eyes closed wondering why my mind wouldn't let me rest.
Day three. I could barely stand up. I needed food badly, but didn't want to go out in public in the shape I was in. I ordered take out, but lost my appetite when it arrived. I looked at my room littered with beer bottles and wondered how much money do I spend on beer. Much more than I spend on food for sure. I go to bed early in an attempt to make up for the lack of sleep before I work the next day. As I close my eyes, I see floating patterns. I begin to hear noises that I know are not there. Birds chirping, heavy breathing. Lack of sleep perhaps, I don't know. I never sleep that night, only daydream on occasion.
As I head to work I feel deep down that I won't make it. I ride my bike past an ABC store, circle back and grab a pint of vodka. I tell myself, I don't need it though. I get to work, and within 15 minutes a co-worker asks if I am okay. I'm sweating, bags under my eyes, my left hand is violently shaking. I tell him it's lack of sleep. I go to my backpack, down 1/4 of the bottle of vodka and within 10 minutes I'm back to my 'normal' self.
I'm ashamed at the way I live my life. Without booze I trainwreck into a mess. I drink before work just to face people. The other day I drank before I went to the bank so I could sign a withdrawal slip without my hands shaking. If I could afford outpatient detox right now I would do it in an instant, but I don't have the money. I know there are people here that have done it on their own, but I can't seem to figure out how to do it. Can I taper off? Drink less and less for a week or have I done too much damage to my body that that would be pointless?
The most recent time was this last week. After work I bought a 12 pack with all intentions of drinking it all when I got home. A co-worker talked me into 'a' beer, but that turned into pitchers and shots. I walked home, and opened up that 12 pack and drank the entire thing. I woke up the next morning still drunk and I knew I couldn't work. I called out and the first thought in my head was to go to 7-11 and get more beer.
It was at this point it hit me that I need to stop doing this to myself. I told myself that I needed 7 days sober. I had to prove to myself that I could do that, and move on from there. I had called out that day, and had the next two days off. Normally they would have been a blur but I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a day off and not drink. By 4pm the first day I was starting to get sick from not drinking. I was throwing up, my hands were shaking, I was sweating, I felt hot, I could feel my heart racing. I knew it was withdrawal, but I was surprised at how fast it could happen. I tried to sleep, but stayed up all night sweating and shivering.
Day two was worse. I was tired, and the shaking hands were so bad I couldn't type on my keyboard or drink a cup of water. I layed in bed all day wondering why I let myself get so dependant on alcohol that I was more sick without it than with it. I spent the day in bed, sweating and shaking. It was so bad I put towels on my bed to soak the sweat. I tried to sleep, couldn't do it. Just layed there with my eyes closed wondering why my mind wouldn't let me rest.
Day three. I could barely stand up. I needed food badly, but didn't want to go out in public in the shape I was in. I ordered take out, but lost my appetite when it arrived. I looked at my room littered with beer bottles and wondered how much money do I spend on beer. Much more than I spend on food for sure. I go to bed early in an attempt to make up for the lack of sleep before I work the next day. As I close my eyes, I see floating patterns. I begin to hear noises that I know are not there. Birds chirping, heavy breathing. Lack of sleep perhaps, I don't know. I never sleep that night, only daydream on occasion.
As I head to work I feel deep down that I won't make it. I ride my bike past an ABC store, circle back and grab a pint of vodka. I tell myself, I don't need it though. I get to work, and within 15 minutes a co-worker asks if I am okay. I'm sweating, bags under my eyes, my left hand is violently shaking. I tell him it's lack of sleep. I go to my backpack, down 1/4 of the bottle of vodka and within 10 minutes I'm back to my 'normal' self.
I'm ashamed at the way I live my life. Without booze I trainwreck into a mess. I drink before work just to face people. The other day I drank before I went to the bank so I could sign a withdrawal slip without my hands shaking. If I could afford outpatient detox right now I would do it in an instant, but I don't have the money. I know there are people here that have done it on their own, but I can't seem to figure out how to do it. Can I taper off? Drink less and less for a week or have I done too much damage to my body that that would be pointless?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I understand your concern about your situation and I'm glad that you want to stop drinking. In my opinion, tapering will not work, but will only frustrate you and likely worsen the problem. Clearly you need to talk to your dr before stopping drinking, and be ready to go to an ER at the first sign of problems. Withdrawal from alcohol is unpredictable and can be very dangerous. However, you don't 'need' outpatient or inpatient rehab if you can't afford it. The main thing now is to make sure you are safe while you detox from the alcohol.
As far as needing booze to work and meet people, I think that's the disease messing with your mind. In recovery, you will likely find that you can begin to manage your life much better than you expected.
As far as needing booze to work and meet people, I think that's the disease messing with your mind. In recovery, you will likely find that you can begin to manage your life much better than you expected.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I was the same kind of drinker as you. I found myself running out to pubs during lunch and breaks at work just to keep the shakes and sweats at bay. I went through a few nasty withdrawals with the shakes and hallucinations, but I would be drinking again a couple weeks later. I had to go to in-patient treatment for 35 days to get sober. I think you should reach out for some support as it really is extremely hard to quit for good entirely on your own.
No half measures
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 424
AA is free. You will be surrounded by people who understand and will explain how they got off the train wreck of alcoholism. Without AA I would likely be dead. The solution is right in front of you all you have to do is reach out and grasp it
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 496
I know from my experience, I just can't do this alone. My withdraws were never that bad, but I do think you may want 2 c a doc for those. Then, once you overcome that, you need a good support system in place. There are many resources out there. And yes, you can get this right. Just never quit trying. 
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. I strongly advise taking the above advise. Medically the withdrawal can be very dangerous. Many people don't realize the complications that withdrawal can involve and end in death. As far as tapering off is concerned, I've never heard it being used successfully, it seems to prolong the agony. For my recovery I used AA and if working the program, it's been successful for millions. BE WELL
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