UnseenLight

I made it 18 days, then drank again. I think that’s the longest I’ve gone without a drink. I don’t know what made me want to drink. Nothing particularly bad or good happened. I guess I just decided to ignore any commitment to not drinking. Now I have that familiar hangover feeling that always reminds me why I need to stop. I also have the memory of how good those 18 days felt as a reminder. Hopefully I can hang on to these memories next time I get an urge to drink. I felt really good for those 18 days. My mind felt sharper, I was more energetic, I exercised more, I ate better… everything was better so I really don’t know why I ruined that by drinking again. It isn’t even fun. Not the way I do it at least. I drink alone in the dark. Anyway, just thought I’d share. I’ve been reading a lot of posts this morning and it helps. I need to make it a point to come here more often. Luckily my hangover isn’t too bad and I dumped out the remaining booze so I wouldn’t keep drinking in the morning like I often do. I’m going to hit up the beach, relax, and reflect on this mistake and try again to stay sober. I’ve lost count of how many “Day 1’s” I’ve had, but hopefully this will be the last.

Hevyn

Hi Unseen. Glad you posted about this.

Yes, I did that too - many times. I was once sober for 3 yrs. and decided I could have 'a glass' of wine. Of course it ended up being the whole bottle - and I was back to daily drinking once again. I seemed to forget all about the wonderful freedom of having it off my back and not needing it to enjoy life. I picked up without thinking twice.

You can definitely make this your last Day 1. We have to be ready - deep down inside. I don't know what exactly makes us ready. I only know that when I came to SR I was beaten and disgusted with myself. I made it. Heading towards 6 yrs. now. You can do it UL.

UnseenLight

Thanks Hevyn. I feel beaten and disgusted with myself as well. I feel like this could be my last Day 1. Each time I drink, I find I'm enjoying it less and less. It used to be fun. I'd do it with friends or at parties, but it hasn't been fun for a while now. I just sit alone and pound booze while watching movies or youtube videos until I pass out in my chair and slide down to the floor. Some "fun" right?

Pamel

Day 1 for me here too. i have had 13 years, multiples of years, and still, that "one" drink will set me off on another relapse. I don't think I have another "recovery" in me.

And you are right: there is NO FUN in it anymore.

Nuudawn

You know..it is when we do not keep commitments with ourselves that is so damaging to our self esteem and spirit. The end of my drinking days sounded lot like yours Unseenlight. I think I preferred to drink alone in the end. In all honesty, my last day drunk was not alone..and perhaps that was helpful. I spent a sunny afternoon in a dark pub with a slew of others getting drunk on a Sunday afternoon. One of those drunken others referred to another one of those drunken others as "just a drunk". That hit me for some reason. I didn't want to be anyone anyone referred to as "just a drunk". I suppose when I drank alone...no one knew I was "just a drunk". I also drove home in a blackout that day (something else remedied by drinking alone at home..no drunk driving). I woke up the next day terrified of the next time I drove drunk. I just knew I would end up killing someone's child or parent and live to see what I had done.

FourSeasons

Same thing just happened to me too. Went 12 days, slipped, binged, stopped again 4 days ago. It really is not fun. It is a sad waste of time... day in... day out... It is no way to live!

thuggybear

Good for you for realizing you need to stop and being honest.

As alcoholics, the way we relate to alcohol is insane. We drink and a lot of times we don't know why or don't have a very good excuse. Personally, the only way I've found to quit and stay stopped is AA and the Twelve Steps. If that's not your thing, keep coming here and keep being honest. Try online meetings or the chat room. Stay in touch with people. A lot of times a resolution to quit isn't enough. We must put in some work to stay sober. If you have a Higher Power, pray for his/her/its help.

Just a few suggestions

UnseenLight

Wow, 13 years is impressive! I don't know your personal situation, but if you've gone that long, I'm sure you can do it again. I hope I can too. I usually go on long binges, but luckily I stopped this after just one night. I didn't want anymore this morning. I finally feel like enough is enough. Why waste so much time, money, and health on something that I don't even enjoy?

UnseenLight

Thanks for sharing your story. I also don't want to be reduced to being "just a drunk". I have a young daughter and I'd hate for her to ever feel that way about me. I've avoided drinking in front of her, but I really just need to quit altogether if I want to truly be a good example.

scintillady

After I went through detox, my SO, who was always telling me that my drinking problem wasn't that bad, admitted to me that the last few months I had been turning into a "booze bag". I looked that up in the urban dictionary and I found that it refers to a woman who doesn't think of or do much of anything but drink. i want to not be thought of that way again, and I want to get back to being the attractive woman that he started seeing in the first place.

UnseenLight

Day 2 now and surprisingly, I actually got some sleep last night. Only about 4 hours but that's more than I've ever gotten between day 1 and day 2. Maybe those 18 days have some lingering effects. I swam for a while at the beach and ate a gigantic dinner last night so maybe that helped too. I think I'm going to pick up a journal or something and maybe look into how to meditate. I don't know. Maybe buy a book? I've seen a lot of people say that it helps to have some kind of routine or plan, so I'm going to look into that. One thing I'll do is come here. I spent a couple hours laying in bed just reading SR posts on my phone and that helps. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for all of the support.

Nuudawn

Congrats on Day 2. Journal is a great idea. I keep a little "sobriety journal" in my purse (also have one on computer) in case I have to "vent" stuff. It's good to unload on paper rather than on people : ) I have found books to have brought much comfort in my sobriety.

MatildaRose

Hevyn, I can so relate to years of being sober and then 1 drink and there is no stopping at that. I had 10 years and a hateful person put alcohol in my pantry at a time where I was in the middle of a legal mess! Maybe I would have drank again at some point but having it planted under my nose was NOT NICE! It took me years to get my feet back on the ground and forgive myself for falling into that trap. I did learn a lot about myself because of it and I'm still happily alive and sober. It just doesn't matter how many years you are sober...once a pickle, never a cucumber again!

UnseenLight

Thanks. I'm at school 5 days a week this summer and I have plenty of time between classes to sit in the library and read and write. I already read quite a bit, but I was thinking about getting a book that somehow related to sobriety. Maybe something I can use daily like a work book. I don't know if anything like that exists though. I found a blank notebook just now in my apartment and I'm going to start on that today.

sicknote

Thanks for your post. I'm glad I read this. It just shows us that no matter how long we go sober, it's waiting for us.

UnseenLight

Yeah. We just need to be strong enough to say no. 18 days may not seem like much, but it's the longest I've gone. This decision to drink again was so dull, though. I didn't even really enjoy the first one and I don't even remember the last one. Why do this to myself? Those 18 days were great and I want that again. I want that permanently.

sicknote

Yeah, I'm on day 12, its the longest I've gone for years :0(

I've had a few slip ups. I just pick myself up and start again. It's a mental condition that keeps tricking us into believing we can take a drink (or so I'm told).

I know my head right now is saying 'maybe, just maybe... your not an alcoholic'. I can't let myself believe that or I'll be out of that door buying booze

Somehow we've just got to stay sober. We know its for the best right?

sicknote

awuh1

Aloha UnseenLight. Every mistake has a lesson. I’m glad you are going to try something different.
Best wishes.

Pamel

Hazelton has a workbook...I haven't used it but others have with success. Glad you are here with us!

UnseenLight

I sometimes get that idea in my head that maybe I'm not an alcoholic, too. I definitely am one, though. I need to completely ignore such thoughts before I seriously endanger myself or someone else. And yeah, we know it's for the best. We just have to do it and I believe that we can.