Eleni58

I am 10 days sober and just realized my b/f of four years is in denial about being an alcoholic. He hasn't gone to the extremes (yet) of getting in accidents or injuring himself, but he has said some pretty nasty things while drunk, wets his pants and blacks out. The reason he doesn't think he's an alcoholic is because he doesn't drink every day. But when he does drink (twice a month), he can't stop until he's drunk. I first accused him last night of being an alcoholic when he went to a party (without me because I chose not to go as I am still early in my recovery) and said he was going to have "just a couple beers" but ended up getting drunk once again. It was the first time I saw him drunk through my sober eyes. He blew up at me and said "I knew this was going to happen when you quit drinking--you are all hoity toity now." He was enraged when I called him an alcoholic because he can't stop after one drink and said that our relationship is not going to work if I "hound" him about his drinking. And that I "ruined" his fun last night by telling him he was an alcoholic in denial. I went to bed very sad, but I did not relapse. Today, he is not talking to me. I don't know what to say or do. Was I wrong to tell him he is an alcoholic? I am thinking I should just worry about my own recovery and not try to "save" him.
__________________

littlefish

Exactly: it's tempting to focus on our partners in early recovery, but the real focus is on yourself. Your bf may not stop drinking, and may not like you quitting. As far as saying he is an alcoholic, the only person who really can answer the question: am I an alcoholic? is himself. He may not be an alcoholic. He might be a heavy drinker, but if he wanted to quit he may find he has no trouble at all quitting.
All of that is not really important to you: you are the main focus here and all your energy needs to be on your recovery. Fantastic work on 10 days!

Nuudawn

That is some sound advice from your fine sober self. Nevertheless, your sobriety will be met with some extra obstacles whilst living with a problem drinker...especially one you care for.

You're labelling him an alcoholic was definitely not from any "zen" perspective. It was from a petulant place (not a caring place and you know it) but hey, I'm still up for emotional kindergarten graduation myself : )

Sobriety is all about growing up and finding our way. You're doing fine : ) I'm so glad you posted.

FourSeasons

ELENI58 - "Today, he is not talking to me. I don't know what to say or do. Was I wrong to tell him he is an alcoholic? I am thinking I should just worry about my own recovery and not try to "save" him."

First, you were not wrong to tell your BF he is an alcoholic considering the few examples you provided. Second, worry about saving yourself first. Lastly, regarding what you should do or say next... IMHO... put your sneakers on and run!!!

Eleni58

Up until he got drunk last night, he was extremely supportive of my sobriety--he was even bragging to friends and family about me quitting drinking and that I was doing really good. However, he said from day 1 that he hoped I wouldn't nag him to quit drinking as he enjoys it occasionally. I said I would not ask him to quit, however, down deep inside I wish he would. He is not a nice person when drinking. In fact, he is rather mean. I just don't know if our relationship will work in the long run with me not drinking and him getting drunk a couple times a month.

But seriously, I cannot worry about our relationship at that moment. I have to be selfish and concentrate on me and my healing.

Mizzuno

I think when we get sober, we may subconsciously expect the other partner to follow in our path. It is not up to anyone to say that we are alcoholic or not. That is a personal decision.
Was his drinking an issue while you were drinking? Or is his drinking an issue now that you have chosen to get sober?
Taking care of yourself and not worrying about our partners is the best that we can do. I have to do this with my husband. It saves me a lot of heartache.

Nuudawn

Once again...excellent thinking Eleni!! It may survive..it may not...only time will tell. They say one should not make any big changes in early sobriety and I wholeheartedly agree. Don't end a relationship (well unless it is perilous) and don't start one. It's best to keep things as familiar as possible whilst pioneering the uncharted territory of sobriety. Stay in the "now"..it's the only thing you have control over : )

You sound to me like you have some pretty strong internal wisdom. It's a blessing, especially in early sobriety. You just keep listening to your fine sober self (not to be confused with "addictive thinking" of course).

Eleni58

I had issues with his drinking long before I quit drinking but I didn't say anything to him about it because it would be like the pot calling the kettle black. He ALWAYS got way more wasted than I did and he had blackouts whereas I never had blackouts. He always wanted to close the bar down while I was ready to leave at 10:00 p.m. We have had our share of fights--always while both of us were drinking. Breaking it off with him now is not an option for me (although he may already have decided he no longer wants to be in the relationship. Who knows? He took off on his scooter 3 hours ago and is avoiding me).

Thanks to all of you for your advice! It always makes me feel better to vent on here.