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I had an epiphany last night!!!

Old 08-04-2013, 07:06 AM
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I had an epiphany last night!!!

Hello SR,

Today, I begin Day 4 with an amazing epiphany! (or just a “duh” moment… I will let you all decide!!)

I have dabbled in abstinence for quite some time. I have had many starts and stops over the past 2 years. However, “this time” I think I am truly ready to make “this time” last and truly view “this time” as different from all the “other times” I have stopped (and then to restart after a few days).

This time, I truly acknowledge and accept the fact that I cannot have "just one". It is not in my chemistry. This "just one is okay” mindset is at the root cause of all my past failures.

Besides Aug 1st, my most recent serious attempt at sobriety was on July 5th. I went a full 12 days and felt great! On Wed July 17th, an old friend called me out of the blue and wanted to meet at a local bistro down the street. He could only meet for an hour. I enthusiastically went to meet my friend. I was so happy to see him. And without a second thought, I ordered a nice glass of red wine and thought to myself, “this is a special occasion and I hardly ever see this friend… I will have just ‘one’ and call it a night.”

After an hour or so the night ended and we each went our separate ways. On my way home, I started to think to myself, “The wine store is right around the corner. Since I have already had one then what is one more? I also thought to myself, “Today I will give in because the 20th is just a few days away and that is a good calendar day to stop”. So, I picked up two bottles of wine, went home, and drank alone until I passed out.

That one decision to have “just one” led into a 10 day binge!

I then tried to stop on July 27th, but again justified my drinking on July 28th by saying to myself, “August 1st is a great calendar day to stop and that is only a few days away”.

Finally, after another four day binge, I once again stopped on Aug. 1st.

Last night was Day 3 and I had plans to meet yet another friend at a local pasta bar for an early dinner. I was so happy to see my friend. I started to think to myself, “tonight is a special occasion, so why not have ‘just one’? Besides, Aug 5th is only two days away and the 5th is a good calendar day to stop.”

That is when I had my epiphany! That is when I finally recognized my subconscious rationalization to consume. Honestly, I have had it. The only way this insane pattern can change is if I consciously change it. I have had enough once and for all.

So, here is my new daily affirmation, “There is no such thing as one and done”.

Thanks to all for reading my random thoughts for today…
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:11 AM
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I've made the exact same rationalizations hundreds of times. My big one was that weeks start on Sunday so I'd always want to time my attempts at sobriety to start on Sunday, so hey I might as well get plastered on Saturday! But then I bought a calendar that showed the weeks starting on Monday so I had a brand new bag of excuses to use. It was never-ending the excuses my alcoholic mind could come up with to put off sobriety just one more day.

Glad you had this epiphany and thanks for sharing!
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:15 AM
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FourSeasons, I too did the "one and done dance"......trust me the "none and done dance" is easier
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:20 AM
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Yeah FourSeasons! Not only can we not have just one we really don't even want just one.
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:21 AM
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I think you are on the right track! I had a very similar epiphany earlier this year and it has made all the difference. I like your chances, FourSeasons!
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:28 AM
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I had done the same thing, deciding to quit on a day with some b.s. significance. It was always just another excuse in a long line of excuses to just keep drinking. For a lot of alcoholics such as myself that was kind of the last veil to drop before we had that epiphany... the feeling that we were going to stop very soon, just after this one last, significant send-off... but (conveniently for addiction) we'd find there was just one more left after that... then another appeared...

I think I had decided I needed to make my last drink something special. That was my last excuse to pick up. The irony of my needing to make my last drink a special one is that I don't even remember now what it was.
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:58 AM
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I really think that this is the exact realization that we alcoholics need in order to finally achieve our sobriety. The reason why sobriety escaped us for so long is that we think we have control over the alcohol and that we can magically stop...but we cannot. The negative and horrific consequences of our drinking just makes us feel like dirt and the drinking saga continues because we are so desperate to "feel better". You are so right that we cannot just have one and be done. I have taken this thought and have woven it into every fiber of my being. I think this is the key to my sobriety. Thank you for your post!!!!!
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Old 08-04-2013, 08:11 AM
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“There is no such thing as one and done”.
Exactly.

I remember one of the times I managed to get sober over a 14 day period. My husband, having endured MUCH verbal abuse from me not every time that I drank, but definitely in waves made the statement "I wish that you could really just have a few and have a good time like I do". This was because we were headed to a friends where he wanted to drink and felt bad that he was going to and I couldn't because I was trying to abstain. Not hard to guess that I was so elated to hear those words. I looked at him and said "I know that if I try hard enough I can do it" and I was off and running again. Then, the next wave of verbal abuse came.

That was a few attempts back. This time, when he realized that I was serious, that I was done he again made the statement. Don't fault him, he truly felt bad that I can't drink, he wasn't doing it to get me to drink nor did he understand the affect those words had on me the last time. I looked at him and said "You're right, I can't have a few and have a good time". That was a defining moment for me this time through.

I would find any excuse to drink, putting off quitting, putting it off, and putting it off again. You just HAVE TO DO IT.

I can never go back, I can't ever pick up that first drink ever again, ever. However, I also am not going to focus on that and I don't make promises. I just won't drink today.

That is when I had my epiphany! That is when I finally recognized my subconscious rationalization to consume. Honestly, I have had it. The only way this insane pattern can change is if I consciously change it. I have had enough once and for all.
KEY STATEMENT! Hang on to that and put it somewhere that you can go and read it the next time your AV tries to rationalize with you. There is no choice anymore, you just can't do it.
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Old 08-04-2013, 08:19 AM
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YES.

I have to remember it, all the time. I'm not wired like other people, and even perhaps like I used to be before this disease progressed in me. I can't have just one, and the fact that I am negotiating with myself about it at all spells it out just fine.
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Old 08-04-2013, 08:28 AM
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Hi. I identify too much with the above! For 2 years I played many head games about not drinking and being un disciplined succumbed within hours. Finally I put myself into the hands of what turned out to be my Higher Power, my friends in AA. During my insistent drinking I rejected the statement of being returned to sanity, to me it meant I'm insane. After about a week of being dry I recognized my repeated drinking expecting different results is MY insanity. BE WELL
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